fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2622 ]

[ SECRET POST #2622 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2622 ⌋

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Several years ago I was going through a really shitty time in my personal life when at work I was sent to work in a different department to help on a project. I really didn't want to leave my comfort zone but I didn't feel like I had a choice. It actually went really well though, I enjoyed the work and became friends with one of my new colleagues, let's call him Guy. Guy was easy to talk to and we had lots in common and it was great spending time with someone outside of all my personal troubles. We even socialised outside of work which I'd never done with any one before. But the project finished and I went back to my normal work.

I didn't keep in touch with Guy, I was too wrapped up in my stuff. Gradually though my life improved and all the things that took my time, energy and sanity resolved one way or another. Life was good and one day out of the blue Guy called me and said there was a position on his team coming up and he thought I might be interested given how well we'd worked together before. I applied, as I genuinely had enjoyed the work and it was a slight promotion, and happily I got the job. Now I work with Guy everyday and it's great, we get on fantastically and the work itself is much more what I want to do with my life. but I've developed a crush on Guy and its embarrassing.

I told a friend all this and the first thing she said was it would be a mess to date an ex I worked with. No, I said, he's not an ex! she pointed out we spent a lot of time together, bars, restaurants, we went to a gig one weekend... But I was so blinded by everything going on in my life it didn't even occur to me that all those things, that were all his ideas, might have been him asking me out. I friendzoned him without even thinking. Since we started working together we haven't socialised at all. Now I really don't know if he ever was interested, if I lost my chance or what. And I know it would be messy to date a colleague and I don't want to jepordise a job I love, but I can't help wondering, you know?

tl;dr I might have accidentally friendzoned a guy I wish I hadn't, but its too late now.

Are you me? I went through a scenario pretty similar to this. Unfortunately it didn't work out for me, but if he's single and you guys still get along, then you could always try asking him out? It doesn't have to be awkward. If he says no, well, at least you'll know.

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for you.

I don't think I trust myself not to make it awkward. I struggle with being casual, I over analyse everything and tie myself in knots, which is exactly what I've done trying to analyse this situation!

Most guys won't be subtle about when something is a date or not. Sounds more like your coworker doesn't understand being friends with members of the opposite sex (or members of the gender they would want to date, if you want to be all-inclusive).

I would say that that's more likely to be my problem than his. But I did assume that he (or anyone) would be more direct, like you say. of course, I'm not being direct, but then again I'm not a man.

Sorry, I was referring to your friend who thought he was an ex in my comment above. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

No, I literally just figured out that I misunderstood about 2 seconds before I saw your last comment! And yes, you might well be right, I don't think she's had much in the way of male friends but neither have I, which doesn't help.

Dude, unless he's gotten a girlfriend, it's never too late. You mentioned you've gone to bars and restaurants and stuff. Assuming he was the one who asked you, I'd say try asking him to one even if it's like "hey I really liked eating at x place, do you want to go again?"

If he's interested, he'll say 'yes' and if not, then at least you'll know.

That's very sensible. I guess I'm just afraid that now I'm not obliviously living in my own head that I'm over thinking and making everything unnecessary weird. I need to relax, I know, but that's not really my natural state of being.

1. you didn't friendzone him. Friendzoning is one of the stupidest concepts ever aplskj;als.

2. If he didn't say, explicitly, that he was interested in you, then it is not your fault for not "picking that up". Communication is a thing for a reason.

Not precluding the possibility of you still getting together! Now that you know you have feelings for him, you can always act on them (as long as they don't interfere with work, of course). Either way, hope it works out.

Edited 2014-03-09 01:58 (UTC)

Thanks.

I get what you mean about the concept, but generally I think people do categorise their relationships to some extent and I saw him as a friend only. Perhaps I've used the wrong term, or a term with the wrong implications.

eh, but don't you see a lot of people you know as friend-only? it's what I do. It means you don't have romantic interest in them and there's nothing wrong with that.

I get what you're saying - I just think the term "friendzone" has implications that go waaaay beyond a simple "I'm friends with this guy" sentiment. and those implications are generally kind of awful (sexist, etc.) Not for the person doing the "friendzoning" - not at all - but for the people using that term seriously.

What diet_poison said. Treating a guy like a friend is not a horrible thing to do to a guy just because he's a guy. You're not obligated to be constantly on high alert for dudes who might want to date you and it's not a failing of some kind to NOT pick up on possible psychic messages from said dudes.

Never listen to anyone who says friendzoning is a Thing, much less a painful, awful Thing inflicted upon them by heartless women. Those people are jerks.

You didn't "friendzone" him, that's a dumb concept. From the sounds of it you made a friend and did stuff with him. I think he would have been more obvious if he was really wanting to date and stuff. Sounds like your friend just is one of those people who don't think a man and woman can hang out do stuff together without it turning romantic.

If you want to date the guys it's not too late. Ask him out - and don't be shy about it be clear so that he knows you're asking him on a date rather than out for drinks like friends do. You just gotta figure out if your crush outweighs the potential complications dating a colleague would bring. Sometimes it's worth it.

Don't be shy is, I think, excellent life advice, but boy is it difficult sometimes.

Actually, it kind of sounds more like he friendzoned you, since we're using that term.

I'm friends (and nothing more) with a lot of girls. If it's the beginning of a relationship and I'm interested I let them know right off the bat so there's no confusion about where I want to take things. If this guy wasn't doing the same with you there's a really good chance he wasn't ever interested and really did just like hanging out.

I don't mean to be harsh, and obviously this isn't true of everything, and there's no saying that he wouldn't be willing to re-evaluate the relationship if you decided to ask him out as more than friends, but there's my $0.02.

It doesn't sound harsh, it was my original reading of the situation anyway.

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[ SECRET POST #2622 ]

Accidental friendzoning - a lament :-(

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