fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2632 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2632 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Game of Thrones]

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03.

[Patrick Stump / Fall Out Boy]

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04.

[Men in Black, Agent Coulson]

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05.

[Twin Peaks]

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06.

[Defenders of Berk/How To Train Your Dragon 2]

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07.

[Lily Allen]

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08.

[Attack on Titan]

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09.

[The Brittas Empire]

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10.

[Panic! at the Disco]

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11.

[Frozen]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 037 secrets from Secret Submission Post #376.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, I have this friend.

(No, I know that there's a million posts that start like that and it's actually about the writer, but this actually IS about a friend and how we're interacting.)

I'd say she's pretty much my best friend and I absolutely love her dearly, but lately, I've been trying to resist the urge to go Invisible on the IM system we use whenever she's on, just because it's so... draining, sometimes, talking to her. She has issues with depression and self-esteem and I think she's very lonely, and her online friends seem to be the only kind of interaction she has, but she's SO reliant on people talking to her online (myself included!) that it can actually be quite mentally draining. She'll ask every time one of us signs off if I'll be on tomorrow, she PMs me on another site asking if I'm coming online... et cetera.

I don't want to cause her any pain by telling her, "Okay, seriously, I don't want to interact with you at all right now" (I have issues of my own, on the autistic spectrum and anxiety and have trouble dealing with too much interaction), but it's just... quite frustrating, and I can't think of any situation that would give me space and would allow her to feel safe and secure with people, especially since she's had a few really shitty 'friends' who have treated her miserably and our other mutual friends work regularly and aren't online as much.

What can I do? She's one of my best friends and I adore her, but having to be there for her almost constantly is draining me!

Are you me? I've been in exactly this situation before.

Unfortunately, there may not be an easy answer. What you have to remember is that her emotional and mental well-being are not your responsibility. It isn't fair to place that kind of burden on someone's shoulders, and if you don't want to bear it, then you shouldn't. It's possible she'll be hurt (the girl in my situation took it as a personal attack and went on the defensive, trying to guilt me out of it), but you have your own well-being to tend to-- and she's treating you as a sounding board instead of a person. It's not out of any malice; there are so many people that have nothing but good intentions but end up creating toxic situations.

I would say, gently inform her that you do need space. That's a reasonable request. If she does take it badly, please remember that it isn't your fault, and the onus is not on you to "make it better." Best friends should be able to have distance between them and still have a deep connection.

I was doing this to a friend and when she told me how it was making her feel it made me back off and shape up.

You can't be her entire support system. You need to be able to say, "Hey, I care about you but I can't be a good listener right now."

One thing I used to do (still kinda do sometimes) is expect my friends to know what I needed from them. So I'd tell them all my problems and they'd give me advice, and I'd get mad at them because I didn't WANT advice. I just wanted someone to listen. Or to help distract me. So, try asking her what she needs. "Will a distraction help? We can watch a movie if you want."

To recap:
1. Tell her how she's making you feel.
2. Set boundaries.
3. Offer alternate methods of helping.

Most importantly, you cannot be her entire support system. Tell her that. Tell her that whenever you need to.

Okay, I'm just gonna make a few assumptions, and you ignore me and tell me how I'm wrong if I'm way off the mark:

You care about her enough to put up with all this exhaustion, so that means you must care enough about her to also not want to see her so anxious and insecure, quite apart from the fact that she's exhausting you, correct? The fact that she's exhausting you is just an additional negative aspect of her problems, right? I mean, if a close friend is that irritating, while also in a mental place where you're worried that straight-up telling her to stop being irritating will devastate her, that's not exactly a healthy situation for her.

So, if you care about her that much, don't focus solely on your irritation, but take your irritation as a symptom of her larger problem -- her overdependence. Try to tell her that it'll be healthier for her to try and deal with some shit on her own. Give her tough love, not the brush-off. Try to fix the problem, not the side effects If she's got a thick enough skin, maybe point out that she's irritating you, but frame it as "you don't want to be an irritating person, do you? Don't you want to be able to handle these things on your own?" rather than just "stop irritating me."

Believe it or not, people often really appreciate it, at least in the long run, when their friends can tell them to get their act together. It shows that you care about her well-being enough to risk the unpleasantness of having to confront her. Someone who decides they'd rather let a friend keep digging an unhealthy hole than upset her is self-serving and in the long run a more harmful and enabling presence than a friend who can give her a kick in the ass.

You don't have to tell her you don't want to talk. Go ahead and be invisible whenever you want.

I agree.

I am just always invisible by default on gmail so that I can choose when I want to chat. I have very little sustained internet time, and sometimes I just wanna do what I was gonna do without interacting with anyone. NOthing wrong with that.

This is a very common problem for the support network of people with depression. The bottom line in these sorts of situations (and this is advice that was given to me from a man who spent 15 years practicing clinical psych) is that no matter how much attention you give them it won't be enough.

This is indicative to me that whatever treatment your friend is getting for this isn't effective. Or if they're not being treated, it's time to start thinking about intensive therapy or pharmaceutical options. Be a good friend and make this suggestion.

da

This is what I needed to hear right now. Thanks for being the third-party voice of reason for a moment.

There's no guilt in cutting back (seriously, invisible mode) on your interactions. Letting yourself get exhausted and burned out isn't going to help you, or her, for that matter. A few ideas:

* Encourage her to get therapy. Emphasize that you're care about her a lot, but you're worried that she could use more help. If she protests, point out that she's relying heavily upon online friends, none of whom are trained professionals. It doesn't mean give up talking to them, it just means find someone who IS a trained professional who might help her untangle some of these problems.

* Limit the "let's talk about our problems" to 15 minutes, then the subject gets changed. Frame it as something that's good for the both of you, because (and this is a reminder for her as well!) you ALSO have problems that threaten to overwhelm you and studies have shown that interrupting negative trains of thought is very helpful. Far more helpful than rehashing the same depressing shit over and over again in the name of venting. So: 15 minutes of self-pity, but after that, NO MORE SAD TALK. You talk about something good that happened, something that makes you both smile. If she can't think of anything, offer encouragement and examples from your own life. If she still can't think of anything, point out that this can be something to bring to the next conversation-- she has to think about or do something positive, then report back.

* At some point, you're probably going to have to 'fess up. Stress how much you want to help, but explain that it IS very draining to be someone else's emotional support and that you need a break. Bring up the issue of therapy again. Tell her you want to be there for her, but that it's not physically possible for you to do that all the time. She's not a burden (depressed people and people determined to wallow in self-pity tend to think this way) but what she's dealing with needs more than just the two of you on AIM to get through and there's no shame in that.

Good luck!

[ SECRET POST #2632 ]

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