fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2634 ]

[ SECRET POST #2634 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2634 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Lady Gaga]

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[free!, attack on titan]

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(Panic! at the Disco)

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[Anarky]

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(Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

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11.

[Frozen]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 013 secrets from Secret Submission Post #376.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Does anyone else get... bored when they're masturbating or fooling around with someone? Like, I keep on doing this thing where everything starts off well, I get a bit hot but not to an unbearable 'I have to keep going til I get off' level - and then I get kind of bored/tired, and give up. Like, it all seems like too much effort and I really really like sleep. Also would take cuddling over sex any day of the week.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyone else like this?

Yup. Not the cuddling part, because I can't stay in one position for very long, but the rest.

AYRT

Good to know I'm not alone!

Not in that sense. But I do get bored when its taking to long, the fantasies have left my head, and I just want to orgasm already damn it.

Like the physical reaction is still there and my body still wants to get off, but my brain is totally done with it and thinking about other things. So I start thinking about what's next on my schedule while still masturbating.

AYRT

Thanks for replying. I think part of it for me is that my arousal dies down pretty quickly if I don't hold the fantasy in my head continuously, or if the physical sensations are continuous. And I kind of have to have both for it to feel good enough for me to want to keep going until I get off.

I think that's common for girls. I've actually always found it weird that I can separate physical feeling from fantasy and that once I get started I have to get to conclusion (or take a cold shower) or I'm really frustrated for the rest of the day.

AYRT

I don't know if you're a girl or a guy, but I know that with guys, once they're aroused they have to get off at some point, because the whole mechanism of their orgasm has already started and the build up of fluids can't be reversed. Hence why teenage boys have lots of wet dreams. Whereas girls can become aroused and then have their arousal decrease without orgasming without any side effects at all - except, you know, a sexual frustration.

If you're a girl, there are times when I've felt frustrated and *needed* to get off - but I've still needed the fantasy to help me along with it.

I don't know if you're a girl or a guy, but I know that with guys, once they're aroused they have to get off at some point, because the whole mechanism of their orgasm has already started and the build up of fluids can't be reversed.

Not actually true. It's a commonly-believed myth, but it's not real. Take it from a guy who's been there many times.

Girl, which is why I find it weird. Its not that I have to get off in the sense of physically having to, I just feel frustrated and still turned on if I don't.

I felt like that a lot with my ex...who's now my ex.

Sounds like you just have a low sex drive. Nothing wrong with that unless it negatively affects your life. If you like to cuddle and sleep, cuddle and sleep, man.

AYRT

Q: Is your ex your ex because he had a higher sex drive than you and your lower sexer drive became a problem for him? Or did you realise that you were bored because you weren't that sexually compatible? Or were there completely different factors involved?

*confused/distressed by ambiguity*

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to cause stress! It was a lesbian relationship, and we split for a number of reasons but a lower sex drive and lack of physical attraction on my end were significant factors. Actually when I went off my antidepressants and my sex drive started to get stronger was when I realized we truly needed to end it because I still wasn't interested in sex with her. And that was a bit of a life story dump but I hope you see it and are no longer confused/distressed!

I'm the exact same way. But of course in my case I ended up realizing I was asexual, so maybe that doesn't count.

Either way, I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

AYRT

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that the kicker, the thing that I'm kind of secretly worried this means. I do get attracted to people - but it is pretty damn rare. It's been happening more lately that I've become more comfortable/confident in my body, but it's still a worry in the back of my head. Because I am definitely not aromantic - I'm probably the most romantic person I know.

I just want to find a guy who wants to cuddle more than have sex ;/

AYRT

I understand that. It caused me so much mental anguish for a long time, and to be perfectly honest it still bothers me from time to time. I don't think it's a bad thing or anything but it does sometimes bum me out just because it's something that makes me different from 99% of the rest of the world and it feels a little alienating at times.

When you say you do get attracted to people, is it sexually or just romantically? Do you ever see people and think "man, I'd like to bone them" or is it more just like "you're pretty and I like looking at you and I'd like to hang out and sometimes cuddle"? Because the first one has *never* happened to me but the other does fairly often.

My perfect relationship would pretty much consist of hanging out, going to dinner or movies or concerts occasionally, and cuddling sometimes, and then going home to our separate residences. No sex, no marriage or babies, not even living together. Of course it's basically impossible to ever find anyone who would ever want that though lol.

Yeah, I have definitely had times when I've felt a physical attraction to someone, not just emotional. But it happened so rarely up until my early 20s that I actually didn't know what sexual attraction was - and then would have vaguely unpleasant hook ups with people because there was no 'chemistry' but I didn't *actually* know that, because I had never experienced 'chemistry' before. I had so many obsessive crushes on people who I had no physical attraction to, it's ridiculous.

And now (in my mid-20s), even though it's happening more often, it seems hard to... recreate. Like, I'll be very attracted to someone one day, and then feel nothing the next, because the situation is different, or they've annoyed me, or I'm feeling anxious for unrelated reasons. I'm pretty sure I still have trouble mixing up emotional and physical attraction.

So, I know I'm not truly asexual on that count. But probably on the gray-a spectrum. Or a very late, sloooooow bloomer. But it feels like that might be a moot point anyway, if I can't find anyone I'm compatible with.

For what it's worth, my ideal relationship would be I guess a 'normal' relationship - doing things together, living together, lots of emotional support and physical intimacy (cuddles all the time!), marriage, babies, sharing a life together basically - but just without a whole lot of sex. Some, but not a huge amount. Good luck with that, self.

Uuurrrrrghhh. The fact that a lot of dating today for people my age is basically sex/hooking up first, dating later does not help my issues at all. Like, Tinder is not going to be a thing for me, ever. And the increasing pathologising and medicalisation of low sex drives also pisses off. I don't think I am (or you are) sick, we're just wired differently.

Anyway, thanks for having a chat with me! I hope you find yourself a relationship like you want - I'm sure it is possible, if you find the right person.

It's a hard thing to figure out! I've felt what I would describe as physical attraction because it's definitely not just emotional, their looks definitely factor into it, but it's not *sexual* if that makes any sense. It's more of just an aesthetic thing, that I like the way they look but it still has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with them. And I kind of feel like there have been people I would describe as having had chemistry with, but more on a platonic level. And honestly I'm *still* not sure I understand what sexual attraction is. The closest I can figure is looking at someone and wanting to have sex with them, which is not something I've ever felt. I suppose I still could but who knows.

It sounds like we're about the same age, and I think I have kind of a similar thing as far as attraction being hard to recreate although with me it's more on an emotional level. Like there was this guy that I knew that I thought I sort of had a bit of a crush on for awhile, we have a lot of things in common, and I've even gotten the vibe that he was maybe asexual too from a couple things he's said, but then the next time I saw him it was like whatever it was was totally gone and I can't explain it.

I say that but honestly if I met the right person I probably wouldn't mind living together. Sometimes I think if we were in some parallel world where being asexual was common and it easy to find a compatible partner, I would want the whole "traditional" marriage and kids thing, just with an asexual guy and no sex but then I think even in that theoretical world I'd only be doing it because I thought that was what I should do.

You're right about the dating thing. People in our generation seem to be way more focused on sex than previous generations, or I guess maybe now it's just more out in the open and easier with the whole hookup culture and social media and everything. And the pathologizing thing makes me sad. I have a friend who has a (much older) boyfriend who has a really low sex drive and listening to her constant rants about how sick and dysfunctional and fucked up he is is so damn depressing.

Thanks! I hope you find what you want too!

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[ SECRET POST #2634 ]

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