fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2634 ]

[ SECRET POST #2634 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2634 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Lady Gaga]

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[free!, attack on titan]

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(Panic! at the Disco)

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[Anarky]

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(Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

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[Frozen]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 013 secrets from Secret Submission Post #376.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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My mom and I seem to get in a huge argument at least half the time we spend any time together. We have nothing in common, so it usually ends up being me listening to her talk about stuff I have no interest in it. Anytime I try to bring up something I'm into, she shuts me down immediately and says "I don't want to talk about that" and changes the subject back to her hobbies. Then (understandably, I think) after a long time of pretending to be interested in what she's talking about I'll get fed up and tell her I don't care about whatever it is (which isn't nice, I know, but that's what she does to me) and that sets her off and I get yelled at for the next couple hours.

Today she accused me of "not wanting a relationship with her" because I don't call her every single day and I don't "share my life" with her. When I've TRIED to "share my life" with her she tells me she doesn't want to hear it. When I was really confused about my sexuality and trying to figure things out, I tried to tell her. As long as I'm 100% straight and love having sex with men, she wants to hear all about it, but when I told her that wasn't the case, suddenly she didn't want to know anything about it. Now I've decided that that kind of stuff is personal and none of her business, but then I get bitched at for not sharing things with her.

I just can't fucking win no matter what. My dad came home in the middle of the argument and although he tried to be neutral at first he ended up taking her side and telling me how I was wrong and it became clear there was nothing to be gained so I finally left.

I feel so alone in the world right now. I feel like I have no one. Obviously I can't count on my mom AT ALL, and although I used to somehow feel like my dad was an ally lately I feel nothing but rejected by him because he never lets me forget I'm adopted. My biological father is a total asshole, and my only sibling, my brother, is just like him (our biological father left when we were kids, and our mom married the guy that ended up adopting us, who I still can't help but consider my dad although it's becoming increasingly clear he doesn't consider us his real kids), so I have zero relationship with him. I've drifted away from most of my friends (usual life stuff like school and jobs and relationships, but after being the only one to make any effort for years, I finally stopped, and never hear from them anymore) and because I still haven't totally figured out my sexuality issues I've decided to take some time off from dating and try to get that all sorted out so it's not like I have an SO to lean on either.

I have no one and I have no idea what to do. I just feel so hopeless right now. :(

it's not much but i hope that some well wishes can help a little :/ i'm sorry that your family is so shit to you. feeling alone is really so terrifying and makes everything else seem so black and dismal, but new friends and experiences always come and go. it's just hard to remember that part.

the next time your mom accuses you of not sharing with her, or even on your own, you can ask just what it is she wants to know, maybe. point out that you have tried to share your feelings and hobbies but she wasn't interested, so what does she want? it could help her realize her behaviour, or at least put her in her place a bit. unless of course you've tried that already.

I have. She'll say "nothing, it's fine", go back to talking about herself, and then the next time she decides to complain about me not sharing, I'll ask the same thing, she'll give the same answer, rinse and repeat.

She's befriended these girls my age (my brother's ex and a younger girl she works with) and has basically taken them under her wing and treated them like daughters because they're both straight and have kids and are into all the super traditional domestic stuff she is. I have to admit that it makes me feel like she's replaced me and that makes me feel horrible. I wish I could have that type of relationship with her, but I never will. I just wish I had a different mom. This is the first time I've ever really admitted it to myself, but I wish that so bad.

You can talk to us, anon. I can completely relate on the mom thing -- she will go on for hours and hours about her shit but as soon as I try to change the subject she's like STOP DOMINATING THE CONVERSATION.

Thanks. What do you do when your mom does that? I don't know if yours likes to start arguments or not, but mine flips out at the slightest little thing and it's sometimes hard to predict what will set her off. I know the best best is probably to just never disagree with her no matter how idiotic something she says is (she'll say something that's flat out WRONG, like, this is an objective fact that can be proven, and she'll be like "oh, no, it's just my opinion!") but that gets really tiring.

Mine's very much the same way.

I usually just wait for the noise to stop and look for an exit. And then I get on the internet and complain about it. It's been going on so long that I can never really be furious for long because what's the point? It's just going to happen again and again and again. That's just the way she is.

Fortunately I have friends who can relate, and now so do you.

I guess I should just accept that it's the way she is because I doubt it's going to change but for some reason I can't seem to do it. She handles stress worse than most people so I'm hoping it'll maybe get a LITTLE better (at least as far as her wanting to pick fights over every little thing) when she's less stressed out but I know her overall personality isn't going to change and that's hard to accept. I feel bad complaining here because I know a ton of people post complaining about stuff and I'm sure people are tired of hearing it but today was the worst it's been in a long time and I just didn't know what else to do.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one though so thank you!

You're welcome. And feel free to PM me if you wanna vent some more.

Mom fights suck, but your mom and my mom sound very, very different.

The "only wants to talk about their hobbies" thing sounds so much like my brother though. He'll start talking to me about shit I have zero interest in, and I respond politely for a while, but it's annoying because he often interrupts the stuff I'm doing to talk about stuff and then gets mad that I didn't drop everything for him. (He's gotten better about that lately, though.) Then recently we were spending some time together, and I tried to tell him about something I liked that pertained to one of our precious few mutual interests, and he shut me down. >:/

At any rate, I really, really hope things get better for you soon. Your parents do not sound like they're very supportive at all and I can't imagine how much that hurts. :( Here's hoping you can find others who can help fill that gap.

then gets mad that I didn't drop everything for him

Unfortunately I usually DO drop everything when my mom calls, usually to complain about something really dumb but every time I have a genuine problem and really need her, she's "too busy" and can't talk to me then. I hate how one-sided the relationship is. :/ I know she's awful at handling stress and she's really stressed right now so all I can hope is that it'll get better eventually but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway thank you :)

You've probably head this before, anon, but it sounds like you really need to set some boundaries.

Good luck.

I definitely have heard that. And I've tried but it seems to cause even more problems so I always end up giving in because it's easier that way. I hate it though.

Anyway thanks again for listening (or reading, whatever)!

yeah, stop being a doormat and hang up the damn phone.

You really think having an argument with her helps her stress? It honestly doesn't. It just means your both more on edge.

When you need a break, take one. Phones can be turned off. Don't let her know if you singled her out particularly though.

"You really think having an argument with her helps her stress? It honestly doesn't."

Except I don't see where it says that it does?

Echoing what Noodles said. Your mom isn't entitled to make demands of your time. If the conversation gets toxic, end it. Say "I cannot keep having this conversation right now, it's toxic and causing me stress" and if she tries to manipulate/guilt you into staying on the phone, don't let her. You can always talk to her later if you want to. End the conversation if she crosses your boundaries.

And also hopefully you can find an emotional support network for yourself outside of your parents, consisting of multiple people you can rely on and who can rely on you, so it's not one-sided, and from whom you can take distance if you need. Then you can have a relationship with your mom only on your terms and hopefully it will become healthier in time if she realizes you are serious about boundaries.

it sounds like you really need to set some boundaries

Yeah, this.

You can't change your mother or her behaviour but you can change your own behaviour which will a) be good for you in the short term and b) maybe even change your mother's behaviour towards you in the long term.

Good luck!

I'm really sorry, anon :( I wish I could offer some advice but all I can give is well wishes. My mother is a lot like yours and I never found a solution. I cut off contact with her and it was the best thing for me but I am not suggesting you do that because I don't think what was best for me is what would be best for you. I also don't think that's what you want at all.

But you're not completely alone! We're here and you can always talk to us about anything. FS is a great community like that.

*internet hugs* if they're welcome :)

Believe me, I've definitely thought of cutting off contact with her because in some ways it would make my life a lot easier but she does have her good qualities (although I'm having a hard time thinking of them at the moment...) so I don't think I really want that. It is frustrating but I'm hoping it'll get better. My parents are going on a weeklong vacation in a little over a month so I'm looking forward to a break from her. We do spend a LOT of time together (which I know doesn't make a ton of sense given how much we argue) so maybe some time way from her will be a good thing.

It is! I'm glad I have you guys here to vent to!

Anyway thank you! :)

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[ SECRET POST #2634 ]

Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(

Re: Yet another fight with my mom...I feel so alone :(