fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2649 ]

[ SECRET POST #2649 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2649 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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04. http://i.imgur.com/eD4bGbG.jpg
[frozen, full nudity]

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[AlternateHistory.com : Malê Rising]

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[Amelie]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Superior Spider-Man]

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12. [SPOILERS for Believe]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

13. [WARNING for rape]

[Orwell]

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14. [WARNING for rape]

[Colditz]

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15. [WARNING for child molestation]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #378.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You mention anxiety and insecurity, but you don't really make it clear what exactly you're anxious and insecure about. I'd be interested in hearing why the idea that you might never want to have sex with someone else makes you anxious.

The anxiety and insecurity mainly comes from knowing I'm not 'normal' (and may never be) and therefore not good enough according to society.

It's not the not wanting sex itself that makes me anxious, but how I feel about it. I should've mentioned in the original post that I have had sex and a (very brief) relationship but it was only because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. Once that relationship ended I decided I wasn't doing it again because I didn't want to and doing it to please other people was a stupid reason, yet I still couldn't get past the fact that not wanting to made me an abnormal freak.

I kept expecting that to change and I'm starting to realize at this point that it might not change, and that's what bothers me. I don't want to be the "weird one" that never gets married but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending to want things I really don't just because I think I'm supposed to.

Honestly every single bit of this comes down to not wanting to feel like people are judging me for being different or weird. I know I shouldn't care but I just don't know how not to.

Is it more that you are afraid of how your family might react to this or are you more worried about the possibility of people in general devaluing you because you aren't rearing children/married/in a heteronormative social role?

Or is there a possibility that you yourself are afraid this makes you unable to contribute to society?

I can certainly understand where all of those would be concerns for someone, I'd like for you to try to pinpoint exactly what bothers you so much about the idea of being seen as "different" or weird. There are a lot of reasons for it that go beyond the potential ostracism from the Facebook baby making crowd.

Is it more that you are afraid of how your family might react to this or are you more worried about the possibility of people in general devaluing you because you aren't rearing children/married/in a heteronormative social role?

Probably a little of both I guess. My family has always been supportive and my parents have always they said didn't care whether I got married or had kids or whatever as long as I was happy, so I don't know if it's just me projecting onto them or what but I can't help but think they don't actually mean it and that even if they don't admit it, they're disappointed in me.

And then yeah, just people in general. I hate this idea that people seem to have that if you're not married with kids you're a failure.

Or is there a possibility that you yourself are afraid this makes you unable to contribute to society?

I don't think so. I might be misunderstand what you mean but I kinda feel like what is it that these other people are doing that contributes to society that I don't/can't do? Someone who is a wife and mother is contributing to her own family, sure, but I don't know that just being married and having kids really does anything for society at large.

I work in healthcare and if I can do my part to help someone who is sick or hurting get better, in a way that makes me feel good, like I'm at least doing something useful, but then there are times when I think it's still not good enough.

And then...back to the sex thing. It's like, that aspect, even if I don't quite want to admit it because it's not 'normal' or whatever, deep down I feel like I know the answer, like I'm pretty sure about it. But as far as the romantic aspect, which I know is quite a different thing...I'm always saying I don't want a boyfriend or husband and I'm not sure if that's going to change. But...I sometimes wonder if that's because maybe I'm more interested in women. I mean, I know that just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they can't still have relationships and I've sometimes imagined myself meeting an asexual *woman* and having a relationship with her, but I have to shut down that line of thinking pretty quick. I mean, I didn't even mention it in my original post because I feel like I can't let myself go there. Because that would be a little too close to being a lesbian and I feel like that just wouldn't be acceptable to my family despite the fact that I know they're supportive of LGBT rights and they've given me no reason to think they'd disapprove.

So basically I'm just a mess. And this was probably way more information than you wanted.

It's not information I'm looking for. My capacity as a therapist here is limited to trying to direct you toward finding your own answers... many of which you seem like you are already fairly aware of.

I don't know how much psychology you've taken in the course of your studies in health care, but one of the most essential pieces of knowledge about human behaviour that the discipline resolves is the pervasive idea of a "normal" mode of feeling or behaviour. Simply put: there isn't one.

There are destructive modes of behaviour, and ones that conflict with your personal happiness, your own welfare, or the welfare of others, but there is no normal. People vary so widely in what they think, like, do, and the correlations you can make between one aspect of their behaviour and another, that for most things it is quite literally as good as a coin toss.

You are under the impression that a normative feeling exists about what kind of relationships people actually want, and that just isn't the case. There's an average because most people are told what they should want, and it's that belief which is most likely causing most of your current strife.

For what it's worth, in my personal and professional opinion everything you have told me about your feelings, fears, and desires is both completely valid, and is something I have heard from others before. You are, in that sense, totally normal.

I do think this is something you need to work on resolving with someone who can devote a little more time to helping you figure yourself out. If you have access to someone at your place of work who has a counselling role, I would suggest ask them if they could recommend a good local sexologist or sex therapist to you. Hashing this out with someone who has a lot of experience with these issues should really help you to get a sense of your own identity and your place in the greater scheme of things, which seems to me to be what you're really lacking.

If you'd rather not bring this up to anyone at work, a google search for sexologist and your locality might bring up some avenues to explore.

If you're SOL and you need more help, please make another thread here and I'm sure we'll be able to figure something out.

I've only had one psychology course (I'm in orthopedics so there's not much need for it) but I did learn that there really is no normal like you said, I just never got to that place where it was really incorporated into my worldview or whatever you want to call it. Maybe that's because I didn't study it beyond the one class, I'm not sure.

But yes, I feel fairly sure that most of what's bothering me is knowing that I don't want what I feel like I'm *supposed* to want.

I've done a little bit of research on therapists in the past and it seems like if there's a lack of interest in sex, a sex therapist's focus is to help you figure out why that is, and what's 'wrong' with you (asexuality is considered a condition that needs to be fixed), so I'm a little hesitant. I feel kind of conflicted on that...part of me thinks it absolutely is something that's wrong with me and it needs to be fixed but then I know there's also the group that thinks it's perfectly fine. I'm finding myself wanting to side with the second camp because obviously that seems preferable to torturing myself over it but...I really don't know what to think.

I think you're right that I'm not quite sure of my place in the scheme of things. I feel like there's the 'normal' group over there with all the regular people who want to get married and have kids, or at least have sexual relationships and then...there's me over here being abnormal and weird. Even if I may know intellectually that there's technically no such thing as 'normal', there's definitely common, and that's not me, so it can be a little...alienating.

In one way I feel like I have most of the pieces to figure this out myself, I'm just not quite sure how to put them all together.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading all of this and taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it.

Well essentially everything you've listed is why I recommended seeing a sexologist first and sex therapist second. They're a little hard to come by, but they deal with all sorts of questions including sexual identity. They also have the benefit of talking to many, many people in a professional capacity about exactly the kind of issues you're currently struggling with.

It's not strictly necessary, of course, but it's something you may want to take into consideration if you find that you are still struggling with it and unable to come to any reconciliation.

Good luck and good journey. :)

Ah ok...I didn't realize there was a difference between a sexologist and sex therapist so thanks for clarifying that!

Thank you! :)

I do have a question if you don't mind, you obviously have experience with this kind of thing and I'm wondering what your take is on the whole asexuality thing? Do you think it's something that someone should try to change with therapy or is it more along the lines of a sexual orientation like gay/straight/bi like some people say? There seem to be differing opinions on it so I was just curious what you thought.

Well, I think there are a lot of things that factor into one's sexuality in the first place. There is certainly a genetic component that limits what kind of things one is attracted to, but on the other hand one's mental health, physical health, the kind of medications one takes and even in some cases for women a the stage of the menstrual cycle can affect sexual desire.

What I'm trying to say is I don't think it's useful to be prescriptivist when it comes to sexuality... and what I mean by that is I don't think people's tendency to say "I'm straight" or "I'm asexual" and use those labels as guidelines to behaviour is very useful or realistic (ex. assuming 'I'm straight' means 'I can never have the possibility of being attracted to a same-gender person).

That said, I don't think that trying to become more sexual is something anyone should undertake if they are not comfortable with it and it isn't something they're doing because they want to explore their body with someone else. I think that's potentially very harmful, actually.

In essence, I think there's no harm in experimenting to see where your sexuality goes, but you shouldn't feel like you need to change it if it turns out that you have no sexual feelings for anyone. Asexuality is absolutely a real sexual orientation along the same lines as gay/bi/straight for certain people, but don't take that to mean that those labels and the way you experience your sexuality necessarily needs to fall neatly under one of those orientations all the time.

Bottom line: sexuality is fluid. Who we are attracted to and how much we are attracted to people in general changes over time and with life circumstances. :)

That's really interesting so thank you! Hopefully I can figure it all out. :)

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[ SECRET POST #2649 ]

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