fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2649 ]

[ SECRET POST #2649 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2649 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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04. http://i.imgur.com/eD4bGbG.jpg
[frozen, full nudity]

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[AlternateHistory.com : Malê Rising]

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[Amelie]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Superior Spider-Man]

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12. [SPOILERS for Believe]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

13. [WARNING for rape]

[Orwell]

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14. [WARNING for rape]

[Colditz]

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15. [WARNING for child molestation]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #378.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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and I don't know how to come to terms with it.

Since I first heard about asexuality I wondered if it fit me, but I kept telling myself that even though I wasn't interested in sex/relationships 'right now' I will be eventually. It's been 10 years now that I've been saying 'not right now' and if I'm completely honest with myself I can't see it ever changing. Yet I hate the Forever Alone/Crazy Cat Lady stereotype and wish that didn't have to be my future. At the same time I hate the idea of getting married just because that's what's expected when that isn't what I want and can't see myself ever wanting.

I mean, obviously nobody knows the future and it's possible that I WILL be interested in those things someday but I feel like as long as I have it in the back of my mind that one day I'll have those interests and therefore be 'normal' it's this crutch that's holding me back from just...accepting myself and finding peace with my life. That sounds weird but right now I feel like I'm in this limbo where I'm just waiting around for something that may never happen instead of figuring out how to live on my own terms and actually enjoy my life.

I don't even know if any of that makes sense but I hate it. I feel like I'm just wasting my life with all this anxiety and insecurity and uncertainty but I don't know what to do about it. :(

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious.

I don't have any advice for you, but I don't think you should feel ashamed of your feelings at all. I don't think marriage or romantic relationships are necessary to have a fulfilling life at all. I do tend to think that humans are social creatures and that it might be a warning sign if you aren't interested in friendships either. But not wanting to get married or sleep with people? I don't think that means you're wasting your life at all.

What do you think it's a warning sign of? Honestly I've never been a big 'people person' so that kind of worries me. A lot of social interaction is a big part of my job and when I'm not at work I just want to be left alone for the most part. I am really close with my family but there just aren't really a lot of non-related people that I hang out with on a regular basis. I mean, I don't think I'm antisocial or anything; I'm always the one initiating conversations with people at work, and if I'm in a situation where I'm with a group of people I'll definitely participate and talk and be friendly to everyone, but I do tend to gravitate more towards doing things by myself if I have the choice.

Obviously I am not a doctor of any sort and I am only basing my statements on personal experience.

I think it can be a sign of depression when people don't want to have *any* social interaction with other people.

However, social interactions at work totally count. And since we don't get to choose our families, I don't think whether or not you particularly get along with your family is a sign of anything. :)

ETA: which I totally misread that last part of your comment as you *not* getting along with your family; sorry

Edited 2014-04-05 02:56 (UTC)

If you don't like the stereotype, don't live the stereotype. Those stereotypes are not just people who are uncoupled, they're people who are not social.

Find other ways to contribute to the world. I'm married and society doesn't think that's enough, either; it's always more more more. Have a career, have kids, blah blah blah. There's no right or wrong answer except what you want for yourself.

You're not wasting your life if you've got something to show in place of a relationship. Find that thing and embrace it.

That's the thing, I hate the stereotype but I feel like I fit the stereotype whether I want to or not. Maybe not the Crazy Cat Lady stereotype because I don't have any cats (or any pets) and don't want any, but definitely some other stereotypes. Like I said in the other comment, I don't feel like I'm necessarily antisocial because I'm fine in social situations when I am in them, but it's not exactly my first choice of activity. I'm definitely an introvert...being around a bunch of people just gets exhausting after awhile. I've tried to be more outgoing in the past because I know that's seen as an advantage in the world but I'm just not sure that'll ever be me no matter how hard I try.

I guess part of me thinks that no matter what I do (I'm not sure how much I contribute to the world but I do love my job most of the time...it's healthcare related so sometimes I do feel like I make a difference in at least some people's lives) it doesn't count unless I'm married with kids. Like you said, I feel like society doesn't think anything is ever enough and although I know I shouldn't care it's kind of hard not to.

You mention anxiety and insecurity, but you don't really make it clear what exactly you're anxious and insecure about. I'd be interested in hearing why the idea that you might never want to have sex with someone else makes you anxious.

The anxiety and insecurity mainly comes from knowing I'm not 'normal' (and may never be) and therefore not good enough according to society.

It's not the not wanting sex itself that makes me anxious, but how I feel about it. I should've mentioned in the original post that I have had sex and a (very brief) relationship but it was only because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. Once that relationship ended I decided I wasn't doing it again because I didn't want to and doing it to please other people was a stupid reason, yet I still couldn't get past the fact that not wanting to made me an abnormal freak.

I kept expecting that to change and I'm starting to realize at this point that it might not change, and that's what bothers me. I don't want to be the "weird one" that never gets married but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending to want things I really don't just because I think I'm supposed to.

Honestly every single bit of this comes down to not wanting to feel like people are judging me for being different or weird. I know I shouldn't care but I just don't know how not to.

Is it more that you are afraid of how your family might react to this or are you more worried about the possibility of people in general devaluing you because you aren't rearing children/married/in a heteronormative social role?

Or is there a possibility that you yourself are afraid this makes you unable to contribute to society?

I can certainly understand where all of those would be concerns for someone, I'd like for you to try to pinpoint exactly what bothers you so much about the idea of being seen as "different" or weird. There are a lot of reasons for it that go beyond the potential ostracism from the Facebook baby making crowd.

Is it more that you are afraid of how your family might react to this or are you more worried about the possibility of people in general devaluing you because you aren't rearing children/married/in a heteronormative social role?

Probably a little of both I guess. My family has always been supportive and my parents have always they said didn't care whether I got married or had kids or whatever as long as I was happy, so I don't know if it's just me projecting onto them or what but I can't help but think they don't actually mean it and that even if they don't admit it, they're disappointed in me.

And then yeah, just people in general. I hate this idea that people seem to have that if you're not married with kids you're a failure.

Or is there a possibility that you yourself are afraid this makes you unable to contribute to society?

I don't think so. I might be misunderstand what you mean but I kinda feel like what is it that these other people are doing that contributes to society that I don't/can't do? Someone who is a wife and mother is contributing to her own family, sure, but I don't know that just being married and having kids really does anything for society at large.

I work in healthcare and if I can do my part to help someone who is sick or hurting get better, in a way that makes me feel good, like I'm at least doing something useful, but then there are times when I think it's still not good enough.

And then...back to the sex thing. It's like, that aspect, even if I don't quite want to admit it because it's not 'normal' or whatever, deep down I feel like I know the answer, like I'm pretty sure about it. But as far as the romantic aspect, which I know is quite a different thing...I'm always saying I don't want a boyfriend or husband and I'm not sure if that's going to change. But...I sometimes wonder if that's because maybe I'm more interested in women. I mean, I know that just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they can't still have relationships and I've sometimes imagined myself meeting an asexual *woman* and having a relationship with her, but I have to shut down that line of thinking pretty quick. I mean, I didn't even mention it in my original post because I feel like I can't let myself go there. Because that would be a little too close to being a lesbian and I feel like that just wouldn't be acceptable to my family despite the fact that I know they're supportive of LGBT rights and they've given me no reason to think they'd disapprove.

So basically I'm just a mess. And this was probably way more information than you wanted.

It's not information I'm looking for. My capacity as a therapist here is limited to trying to direct you toward finding your own answers... many of which you seem like you are already fairly aware of.

I don't know how much psychology you've taken in the course of your studies in health care, but one of the most essential pieces of knowledge about human behaviour that the discipline resolves is the pervasive idea of a "normal" mode of feeling or behaviour. Simply put: there isn't one.

There are destructive modes of behaviour, and ones that conflict with your personal happiness, your own welfare, or the welfare of others, but there is no normal. People vary so widely in what they think, like, do, and the correlations you can make between one aspect of their behaviour and another, that for most things it is quite literally as good as a coin toss.

You are under the impression that a normative feeling exists about what kind of relationships people actually want, and that just isn't the case. There's an average because most people are told what they should want, and it's that belief which is most likely causing most of your current strife.

For what it's worth, in my personal and professional opinion everything you have told me about your feelings, fears, and desires is both completely valid, and is something I have heard from others before. You are, in that sense, totally normal.

I do think this is something you need to work on resolving with someone who can devote a little more time to helping you figure yourself out. If you have access to someone at your place of work who has a counselling role, I would suggest ask them if they could recommend a good local sexologist or sex therapist to you. Hashing this out with someone who has a lot of experience with these issues should really help you to get a sense of your own identity and your place in the greater scheme of things, which seems to me to be what you're really lacking.

If you'd rather not bring this up to anyone at work, a google search for sexologist and your locality might bring up some avenues to explore.

If you're SOL and you need more help, please make another thread here and I'm sure we'll be able to figure something out.

I've only had one psychology course (I'm in orthopedics so there's not much need for it) but I did learn that there really is no normal like you said, I just never got to that place where it was really incorporated into my worldview or whatever you want to call it. Maybe that's because I didn't study it beyond the one class, I'm not sure.

But yes, I feel fairly sure that most of what's bothering me is knowing that I don't want what I feel like I'm *supposed* to want.

I've done a little bit of research on therapists in the past and it seems like if there's a lack of interest in sex, a sex therapist's focus is to help you figure out why that is, and what's 'wrong' with you (asexuality is considered a condition that needs to be fixed), so I'm a little hesitant. I feel kind of conflicted on that...part of me thinks it absolutely is something that's wrong with me and it needs to be fixed but then I know there's also the group that thinks it's perfectly fine. I'm finding myself wanting to side with the second camp because obviously that seems preferable to torturing myself over it but...I really don't know what to think.

I think you're right that I'm not quite sure of my place in the scheme of things. I feel like there's the 'normal' group over there with all the regular people who want to get married and have kids, or at least have sexual relationships and then...there's me over here being abnormal and weird. Even if I may know intellectually that there's technically no such thing as 'normal', there's definitely common, and that's not me, so it can be a little...alienating.

In one way I feel like I have most of the pieces to figure this out myself, I'm just not quite sure how to put them all together.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading all of this and taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it.

Well essentially everything you've listed is why I recommended seeing a sexologist first and sex therapist second. They're a little hard to come by, but they deal with all sorts of questions including sexual identity. They also have the benefit of talking to many, many people in a professional capacity about exactly the kind of issues you're currently struggling with.

It's not strictly necessary, of course, but it's something you may want to take into consideration if you find that you are still struggling with it and unable to come to any reconciliation.

Good luck and good journey. :)

Re: I think I'm in denial about my sexuality

(Anonymous) - 2014-04-05 06:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I think I'm in denial about my sexuality

herpymcderp - 2014-04-05 06:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I think I'm in denial about my sexuality

(Anonymous) - 2014-04-05 19:56 (UTC) - Expand

I feel like I'm in this limbo where I'm just waiting around for something that may never happen instead of figuring out how to live on my own terms and actually enjoy my life.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I always expected that I'd get married and have kids, because that's the social norm - that's just what people do. And I went out into the work world, and dating was never a priority for me, but I always figured it (marriage & motherhood) would happen someday. Eventually, as time passed, I started to think that if I wanted this to happen, I should actually do something about it.

Which is when I realized that I was fine the way I was, and that my lack of action on that front meant I didn't really want it. If someday, someone comes along and makes me change my mind, then fine. But I'm not waiting for or expecting it. I like the life I've made for myself.

And I feel that if you like who you are, and where you are, people are more likely to respect that and accept it. I feel like it's much more acceptable these days to be single and stay single.

Sure, there are always some people who expect you to couple up and they don't seem to know what to do with you when you're not coupled up and/or with kids in tow. It works for some people. But if it's not what you want, then putting on that role won't be fulfilling (even though the it seems motherhood myth is pushed a lot, that "if you don't have children, you'll one day regret it!" I call bullshit).

There are benefits and drawbacks to any choice you make. Basically, you need to figure out what YOU want out of life. And if you're happy where you are, then you're good.

Sorry, I went a bit tl;dr because I really feel like I've been there, OP. Hope you figure things out.

Don't be sorry at all, it's helpful to hear from someone who's been there!

I'm pretty much the same way about the marriage thing (I've always known I didn't want kids and felt pretty sure I wouldn't change my mind so that part never really figured into it), that it was something I would do eventually because it's just what you do. Even when I knew it wasn't what I wanted at the moment I kept thinking that eventually I would want it and it just...hasn't happened. I suppose it still could but it's getting to the point where I don't think it will, and that just depresses me because I hate the idea of not being like everyone else.

It's frustrating because I feel like I *am* happy the way my life is, or at least I could be if I let myself, but I'm too worried about what other people think of me. I *know* I just need to get over it and not care but I don't know how to do that.

AYRT: I feel like you are another me (and yes, it's nice to see someone so similar in many ways). Also an introvert, it's not that I can't be social, but I am happy with my alone time. I don't know if I fit into the asexual umbrella, or if I just have a really low libido, but the net result is the same. :)

In my experience, it was a bit jarring, the moment when you realize, maybe I don't want these things, maybe I won't do them. And I had to put some thought into it, but I came to accept it and actually embrace it.

But I do think you need to let go of the worry about what other people think - focus in on what YOU think, what YOU want. I know it's easier said than done, but you're the one who has to live your life, and you're the one who needs to be happy in it.

Marriage is no guarantee of happiness - there are plenty of abusive relationships, acrimonious divorces. Children are no guarantee that you won't be alone when you're older - visit any nursing home and you can see that. There are people who are doing all the 'normal' things, and it doesn't insulate anyone against heartbreak.

So, if you think you aren't likely to get married/have kids, then try not to frame it in a negative context. There are benefits and drawbacks to everything. On the plus side of happily single: I like the freedom I have, I like my friends and my job. I like that all the money I earn is mine, and that I can drop everything and take a trip, or that I can always hang out with my family on holidays. (The only thing I really covet is that dual income - it'd be nice to have that financial safety net.) ;)

I always feel like I should add a disclaimer that I have nothing against marriage/kids, because some people seem to take it personally.

Anyway, I re-read the thread there, and there's some good advice, but I think it's a great thing that you're actually putting thought into this and working it out, and I hope you get to a happy place.

focus in on what YOU think, what YOU want. I know it's easier said than done, but you're the one who has to live your life, and you're the one who needs to be happy in it.

That's just it, I always end up putting way more importance on what other people think than that what I think, but you're right. I'm the one that has to live my life, I need to do what makes *me* happy regardless of what anyone else might think.

The reasons you gave about why it's great to be single are all the same ones I have...but then I'll be in a situation where everyone else is paired up and I'm clearly not and I feel like I'm being judged for being alone. I know I need to get over that but I'm not sure how...I'm just going to have to try harder to not care, I guess.

Anyway, thank you! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I have similar thoughts about my attraction to men. I have only ever had starry-eyed romantic crushes on women. My attraction to men is purely physical. But I keep wondering if I will someday get a crush on a guy and then I'll be able to feel like a more normal bisexual and more normal person in general whose romantic and physical attractions match up instead of feeling like I'm halfway between bisexual and gay.

It's not really the same as your situation since I can still be happy dating women and overall my life fits some sort of expectations that society has, but I can relate to wondering if I'll ever find out that I'm more normal than I think.

I mostly try to remind myself that the way I feel is valid even if it's not very common. There's nothing wrong with being asexual and there's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship for whatever other reason too. You are what you are and it may change but for now do what you want to do.

On another note, I hate the Forever Alone/Crazy Cat Lady stereotypes too because it's part of valuing romantic relationships far above any other relationship. You can have a life full of people who are important to you even if you don't have a romantic partner. It's not "get married" versus "be completely alone".

Like I said above, I usually try not to let my thoughts go down this road but I guess it can't hurt to at least talk about it here...I do sometimes think the reason I'm not interested in dating men is because maybe I'd rather date women and don't want to admit it. The actual asexual part I feel fairly sure about deep down...even though I don't quite want to admit it, if I'm 100% honest I'm equally uninterested in both genders sexually, but romantically part of me thinks I might kind of want to be with a woman.

And then sometimes I think no, I don't want to date women either, I don't actually want to date *anyone* and I'm only trying to convince myself I do because it's better than not being interested in either. But then I look back to (possible) crushes I've had on girls that I told myself at the time were just close friendship but I've definitely never felt that way about any guy and just...I don't know.

Like I said above, I'm basically just a mess!

I was in deep denial for a long time. I told myself that the reason I hadn't had a crush on any guys in middle school or high school was because I preferred older guys, but I didn't seek them out because even then I thought any older guy who would want to date high school me was creepy. So I told myself that things would change when I got to college or even older. All through this I blocked out any thoughts I had about girls. I told myself that I wasn't attracted to certain girls, I just wished I looked like them or that a character I had a crush on was just one that I really enjoyed.

So that sort of thing does happen. It's possible that it's what's going on with you. I don't know what to tell you though. It's something you're just going to have to keep thinking about until you find an answer that satisfies you. Even if that answer turns out to be "I don't know what I am but this is what I want to do right now". You don't need to be 100% sure. I'm still open to the idea that I might crush on a guy someday but for now I'm fairly secure in identifying as homoromantic. I hope you can get to a place where you feel less anxious about this.

But I know it's really hard to try to separate your thoughts from the expectations that people in your life and just society in general puts on all of us. It's hard to separate what you want from what you feel like you should want.

I feel like I am in some sort of denial (hence the title of this post!) I'm just not sure what kind.

When I was a teenager I wasn't particularly interested in guys or girls (though I didn't know there was a name for it at the time) but I knew I was expected to date boys, so I did date the one guy, had sex with him, and it wasn't too long after the relationship ended that I first read about asexuality. I thought I probably was but I figured as long as I didn't claim the label there was still the chance that I would turn out 'normal' eventually but now I feel like I'm just kidding myself and I need to accept the reality.

I know a lot of people say there's nothing wrong with being asexual and it's totally fine, so I'm trying to believe that but then there's the part of me that does think it's a problem that needs to be cured so I can be 'normal'. And in the middle of all this I'm trying to learn more about it and coming across the concept that romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction and I think that maybe that's the missing piece I haven't quite gotten. In all my confusion I'd never really considered that maybe I was actually interested in women because I was never interested in them sexually, but like I said before, when I think back on the way I've felt about certain girls in the past, with the idea that it's possible to have romantic feelings without sexual ones, it starts to make sense.

So then I think ok, I should date a girl, but then I come back to feeling like *any* sort of romantic relationship is not something I'm interested in. But I'm not sure if I genuinely feel that way or I'm just telling myself I do because I don't feel like the people around me would approve of me dating a girl (even if they've given me no reason to think that way). And then there's the (most likely?) asexual aspect and the fact that the likelihood of finding someone compatible probably isn't that high and then I think well maybe I'm just using not being able to find someone compatible as an excuse because if that was what I *really* wanted, I would find it somehow, and so I must not really want it after all.

So there are just all these various thoughts floating around in my mind and I'm not sure how to fit all the pieces together, and I think you're right...I think the reason for that is that it's really hard to sort out what it is I *actually* want vs. what I think I *should* want.

Wow, it seems like we're pretty similar on the attraction to men vs women front. Sorry, I'm about to tangent on this topic.

I never feel sure of how I feel toward men. I know I can be physically attracted to them, so I'm not comfortable identifying as a lesbian, but I've never had a relationship with one, and more and more I'm starting to feel like I don't really want to. On a romantic and emotional level I'm just so much more drawn toward women, and my strongest feelings have been for women. On the other hand, my previous relationship went through a rough patch because I became very physically attracted to a guy friend and got all existentially confused about lesbian sex. So I'm like, what gives?! That was almost four years ago, so maybe my feelings have just changed, but god I don't want to be one of those bisexual girls who has /phases/. Point is, you're definitely not alone in feeling like you don't quite match up.

not OP

Regarding "phases": not quite sure if this is what you meant, and I might tangent on your tangent, but I'm bi and in a steady, long-term monogamous relationship with a dude -- my first real-feeling relationship. That said, my sex drive turns way way way the hell up around my periods, and some times, walking down the street, it's like ALL I SEE ARE PRETTY WOMEN oh man she smiled at me oh God I'm terrible, and other times CUTE DUDES EVERYWHERE argh nice laugh oh God I'm terrible (x50 bonus if it's someone I know or see regularly. Once in a great while everyone is fucking beautiful and I just gotta sit down and drink some cold water.) I've learned to just kind of note what's happening when it happens, but when I first really acknowledged these thoughts (and they seriously kicked into overdrive about 5 years after my first period, so I didn't connect the two right away), it was so. damn. confusing. Add on that the hardest stop I could figure out was to imagine any part of a romantic/sexual relationship with any of the people that I saw, and it was just a mental clusterfuck figuring out what the hell I liked or wanted. It's not like the dominating gender neatly alternated or even stayed consistent each time. But when I finally felt comfortable calling myself bi, I worried that these shifting feelings made me somehow not "bi enough"; like I'd be called out for overlooking an attractive woman because I'm weirdly set on men this week or vice-versa (but the former seems especially big now that I'm in a het relationship). And it can get weird when my brain is like LADIEEES and my dude staunchly remains not one. For peace of mind, though, I'm self-identifying with the larger trend over the short-term fluctuations. Anyway, tl; dr: I am, clearly, a bisexual werewolf. And yeah, that yana with things not always being super clear-cut.

Hahaha bisexual werewolf. Yeah, basically I have this nagging nervousness that whichever gender I'm in a relationship with, I'll start being more draw to the opposite, because that's what happened before. But I keep telling myself I can't draw conclusions based on one relationship, and that experience is further skewed because I wasn't really attracted to my girlfriend, and sometimes lied to myself about that and sometimes didn't. That's a whole other thing. I've just noticed a trend in myself where for several months I only notice / focus on guys (ex. the first six months after my relationship ended) and then something changes and I only notice / focus on girls (the past two years). I really just want to feel open to both at once or to develop a significant leaning and stay that way. Right now I have this pretty pronounced leaning toward women but I don't feel like I can trust it to be consistent.

ayrt

I think I understand that sort of nervousness (tbh I feel like it crossed my mind more often when I first identified, and then, like, an absorbed accumulation of bisexual stereotypes would scroll by in slow-mo in my mind in different situations), but as you wrote, for you it's based on just your single, skewed experience. I don't know, what I've done in my current relationship when I have that specific mental disconnect, and which seemed much more insurmountable when we started out and shortly after went long-distance for a good chunk of time, was to go down the path of weighing the disconnect against the relationship we were building. But I admittedly didn't feel concerned that said disconnects would last, or make sex or the rest of the relationship completely unsustainable or unenjoyable, which could be different for you. Whatever happens, I wish you all the luck in navigating the weirdness that is human sexuality.

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