fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2649 ]

[ SECRET POST #2649 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2649 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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04. http://i.imgur.com/eD4bGbG.jpg
[frozen, full nudity]

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05.

[AlternateHistory.com : Malê Rising]

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[Amelie]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Superior Spider-Man]

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12. [SPOILERS for Believe]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

13. [WARNING for rape]

[Orwell]

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14. [WARNING for rape]

[Colditz]

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15. [WARNING for child molestation]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #378.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have similar thoughts about my attraction to men. I have only ever had starry-eyed romantic crushes on women. My attraction to men is purely physical. But I keep wondering if I will someday get a crush on a guy and then I'll be able to feel like a more normal bisexual and more normal person in general whose romantic and physical attractions match up instead of feeling like I'm halfway between bisexual and gay.

It's not really the same as your situation since I can still be happy dating women and overall my life fits some sort of expectations that society has, but I can relate to wondering if I'll ever find out that I'm more normal than I think.

I mostly try to remind myself that the way I feel is valid even if it's not very common. There's nothing wrong with being asexual and there's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship for whatever other reason too. You are what you are and it may change but for now do what you want to do.

On another note, I hate the Forever Alone/Crazy Cat Lady stereotypes too because it's part of valuing romantic relationships far above any other relationship. You can have a life full of people who are important to you even if you don't have a romantic partner. It's not "get married" versus "be completely alone".

Like I said above, I usually try not to let my thoughts go down this road but I guess it can't hurt to at least talk about it here...I do sometimes think the reason I'm not interested in dating men is because maybe I'd rather date women and don't want to admit it. The actual asexual part I feel fairly sure about deep down...even though I don't quite want to admit it, if I'm 100% honest I'm equally uninterested in both genders sexually, but romantically part of me thinks I might kind of want to be with a woman.

And then sometimes I think no, I don't want to date women either, I don't actually want to date *anyone* and I'm only trying to convince myself I do because it's better than not being interested in either. But then I look back to (possible) crushes I've had on girls that I told myself at the time were just close friendship but I've definitely never felt that way about any guy and just...I don't know.

Like I said above, I'm basically just a mess!

I was in deep denial for a long time. I told myself that the reason I hadn't had a crush on any guys in middle school or high school was because I preferred older guys, but I didn't seek them out because even then I thought any older guy who would want to date high school me was creepy. So I told myself that things would change when I got to college or even older. All through this I blocked out any thoughts I had about girls. I told myself that I wasn't attracted to certain girls, I just wished I looked like them or that a character I had a crush on was just one that I really enjoyed.

So that sort of thing does happen. It's possible that it's what's going on with you. I don't know what to tell you though. It's something you're just going to have to keep thinking about until you find an answer that satisfies you. Even if that answer turns out to be "I don't know what I am but this is what I want to do right now". You don't need to be 100% sure. I'm still open to the idea that I might crush on a guy someday but for now I'm fairly secure in identifying as homoromantic. I hope you can get to a place where you feel less anxious about this.

But I know it's really hard to try to separate your thoughts from the expectations that people in your life and just society in general puts on all of us. It's hard to separate what you want from what you feel like you should want.

I feel like I am in some sort of denial (hence the title of this post!) I'm just not sure what kind.

When I was a teenager I wasn't particularly interested in guys or girls (though I didn't know there was a name for it at the time) but I knew I was expected to date boys, so I did date the one guy, had sex with him, and it wasn't too long after the relationship ended that I first read about asexuality. I thought I probably was but I figured as long as I didn't claim the label there was still the chance that I would turn out 'normal' eventually but now I feel like I'm just kidding myself and I need to accept the reality.

I know a lot of people say there's nothing wrong with being asexual and it's totally fine, so I'm trying to believe that but then there's the part of me that does think it's a problem that needs to be cured so I can be 'normal'. And in the middle of all this I'm trying to learn more about it and coming across the concept that romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction and I think that maybe that's the missing piece I haven't quite gotten. In all my confusion I'd never really considered that maybe I was actually interested in women because I was never interested in them sexually, but like I said before, when I think back on the way I've felt about certain girls in the past, with the idea that it's possible to have romantic feelings without sexual ones, it starts to make sense.

So then I think ok, I should date a girl, but then I come back to feeling like *any* sort of romantic relationship is not something I'm interested in. But I'm not sure if I genuinely feel that way or I'm just telling myself I do because I don't feel like the people around me would approve of me dating a girl (even if they've given me no reason to think that way). And then there's the (most likely?) asexual aspect and the fact that the likelihood of finding someone compatible probably isn't that high and then I think well maybe I'm just using not being able to find someone compatible as an excuse because if that was what I *really* wanted, I would find it somehow, and so I must not really want it after all.

So there are just all these various thoughts floating around in my mind and I'm not sure how to fit all the pieces together, and I think you're right...I think the reason for that is that it's really hard to sort out what it is I *actually* want vs. what I think I *should* want.

Wow, it seems like we're pretty similar on the attraction to men vs women front. Sorry, I'm about to tangent on this topic.

I never feel sure of how I feel toward men. I know I can be physically attracted to them, so I'm not comfortable identifying as a lesbian, but I've never had a relationship with one, and more and more I'm starting to feel like I don't really want to. On a romantic and emotional level I'm just so much more drawn toward women, and my strongest feelings have been for women. On the other hand, my previous relationship went through a rough patch because I became very physically attracted to a guy friend and got all existentially confused about lesbian sex. So I'm like, what gives?! That was almost four years ago, so maybe my feelings have just changed, but god I don't want to be one of those bisexual girls who has /phases/. Point is, you're definitely not alone in feeling like you don't quite match up.

not OP

Regarding "phases": not quite sure if this is what you meant, and I might tangent on your tangent, but I'm bi and in a steady, long-term monogamous relationship with a dude -- my first real-feeling relationship. That said, my sex drive turns way way way the hell up around my periods, and some times, walking down the street, it's like ALL I SEE ARE PRETTY WOMEN oh man she smiled at me oh God I'm terrible, and other times CUTE DUDES EVERYWHERE argh nice laugh oh God I'm terrible (x50 bonus if it's someone I know or see regularly. Once in a great while everyone is fucking beautiful and I just gotta sit down and drink some cold water.) I've learned to just kind of note what's happening when it happens, but when I first really acknowledged these thoughts (and they seriously kicked into overdrive about 5 years after my first period, so I didn't connect the two right away), it was so. damn. confusing. Add on that the hardest stop I could figure out was to imagine any part of a romantic/sexual relationship with any of the people that I saw, and it was just a mental clusterfuck figuring out what the hell I liked or wanted. It's not like the dominating gender neatly alternated or even stayed consistent each time. But when I finally felt comfortable calling myself bi, I worried that these shifting feelings made me somehow not "bi enough"; like I'd be called out for overlooking an attractive woman because I'm weirdly set on men this week or vice-versa (but the former seems especially big now that I'm in a het relationship). And it can get weird when my brain is like LADIEEES and my dude staunchly remains not one. For peace of mind, though, I'm self-identifying with the larger trend over the short-term fluctuations. Anyway, tl; dr: I am, clearly, a bisexual werewolf. And yeah, that yana with things not always being super clear-cut.

Hahaha bisexual werewolf. Yeah, basically I have this nagging nervousness that whichever gender I'm in a relationship with, I'll start being more draw to the opposite, because that's what happened before. But I keep telling myself I can't draw conclusions based on one relationship, and that experience is further skewed because I wasn't really attracted to my girlfriend, and sometimes lied to myself about that and sometimes didn't. That's a whole other thing. I've just noticed a trend in myself where for several months I only notice / focus on guys (ex. the first six months after my relationship ended) and then something changes and I only notice / focus on girls (the past two years). I really just want to feel open to both at once or to develop a significant leaning and stay that way. Right now I have this pretty pronounced leaning toward women but I don't feel like I can trust it to be consistent.

ayrt

I think I understand that sort of nervousness (tbh I feel like it crossed my mind more often when I first identified, and then, like, an absorbed accumulation of bisexual stereotypes would scroll by in slow-mo in my mind in different situations), but as you wrote, for you it's based on just your single, skewed experience. I don't know, what I've done in my current relationship when I have that specific mental disconnect, and which seemed much more insurmountable when we started out and shortly after went long-distance for a good chunk of time, was to go down the path of weighing the disconnect against the relationship we were building. But I admittedly didn't feel concerned that said disconnects would last, or make sex or the rest of the relationship completely unsustainable or unenjoyable, which could be different for you. Whatever happens, I wish you all the luck in navigating the weirdness that is human sexuality.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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