Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2014-04-05 03:24 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2014-04-05 03:24 pm
[ SECRET POST #2650 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2650 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #379.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Breaking up help :(
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 08:21 pm (UTC)(link)I've never broken up with anyone because this is my first relationship ever. It's also lasted for 4 years, so it's no small deal to break up.
I'll see my boyfriend tomorrow and there's a big finale in our pen and paper group so it would be kind of shitty to do it before because it wouldn ruin everyone's day... on the other hand wouldn't it be even shittier to wait until the end of the day? Or should I wait for a better day?
I'm not sure what to do. I'm just really afraid of what will happen because I've never had to hurt anyone like that... Like if anyone has tips on what I should keep in mind I would appreciate that too.
Re: Breaking up help :(
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 08:24 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Breaking up help :(
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 08:31 pm (UTC)(link)As for tips, write down beforehand what you want to say. Organize your thoughts and lay it all out for yourself so when you have to talk to him you don't get all muddled due to nerves or something.
Be honest, don't apologize too much, keep it concise. Don't try and make it OK, that'll be more about your own guilt and break-ups are sucky and people don't have to be OK about them. Remember that you don't have to feel guilty about this and that it's not always someone's fault that a relationship doesn't work out. And remember that it's better to call it quits on the relationship rather than stay with someone you're not happy with or let the relationship get to the point where you're both miserable.
And remember that it's going to suck and be awkward and weird, but it'll be okay in the future and it's something that needs to be done. Good luck!
Re: Breaking up help :(
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 09:45 pm (UTC)(link)+1
Unless he's already completely checked out of the relationship himself (which you - OP - probably would have picked up on if he had, assuming that's not the very reason you want to break up with him), he's going to be upset about the break-up and there's nothing to be done about that.
I don't know the reasons for you wanting to end the relationship, OP, but whatever the case, it's best not to try to make either of you into a villain and to emphasize instead that there's nothing wrong with either of you* but it just isn't working out anymore. Don't tell him you're awful and he's better off without you because that makes it sound like he has bad taste. I had an ex-boyfriend who followed this tactic thinking it would make me feel better and instead it crushed my self-esteem and kept me from trying to form any new relationships for a while because I felt I couldn't trust my judgement.
*If he did something horrible, I think you have a right to mention that, but it doesn't sound like that's the case, here.
Re: Breaking up help :(
The best you can do is keep it short and to the point, and try to explain yourself as best you can. Keep in mind that the other person is probably only going to hear what they want to hear no matter what you actually say.
Break up after the event, and don't mention it beforehand. There's no reason to make it public drama.
Re: Breaking up help :(
I don't, unfortunately, have more advice. While both of the breakups I've been through were technically initiated by me, they were also preceeded by long periods of inattentiveness on the part of the bf, so it's not like I was breaking Earth-shattering news to them or anything.
I can, however, attest to the fact that shit like this is rough. I was with my first bf for nearly 3.5 years and that breakup/the stuff leading to it/the stuff after it was and is still the worst experience I've ever had. Right after the actual breakup, though, I felt some relief because of the pressure that had been lifted. I hope everything goes as smoothly for you as possible. *hugs*
Re: Breaking up help :(
(Anonymous) 2014-04-06 03:44 am (UTC)(link)* Keep it short, concise, and compassionate. Remember, you can't take away all the hurt feelings, so please don't try. Keep apologies to a minimum. Don't say "I hope we can still be friends" unless you actually want to be friends, and even then keep in mind that this probably won't work. It rarely does.
* You're going to want to take on a huge burden of guilt and say the sorts of things that make you and your soon-to-be-ex better. Keep that to a minimum, too. It doesn't really fix things and it only prolongs the pain. I'm not saying to be brutal about it, but don't heap on the sympathy too much because it's going to come off as a tad insincere. You're sorry, but not so sorry that you aren't breaking up. Keep it short and sweet.
* He's going to want to know why. You are not obligated to tell him. It's better if you refrain from giving (or being cajoled or browbeaten into giving) a long, detailed explanation as to why you're breaking up. This can turn ugly fast, so avoid it. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me" and repeat ad nauseum. Do not respond to requests for how he can fix things, just move it along. "I wish you the best." (Assuming he's not an asshole and you do actually wish him well, that is.)
* If you don't want him to contact you after the break-up (either forever or for a set amount of time), be upfront about this. "I'm going to need to work through this on my own." The tone of voice to aim for here is sad, but firm.
Don't be scared. I get the impression you're fairly young. High school or college? Relationships at this age don't last forever and they're absolutely survivable. For both of you.