fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2659 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2659 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #380.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Eh. What's your problem exactly? It's not like men and women* can't go to dinner as friends. If you don't want it to be a date, it's not a date.

*or men and men or women and women or transgender et al.

I've never been in this situation. Groups, sure. Duo, nope.

That probably reflects more on you than it does on her then. You're the one making the huge deal out of this currently.

For all you know she isn't even interested in you as anything more than a friend.

Yes, it does. My mistake. Sorry for posting.

Wow, you really are bad at social situations. Knock it off with the passive-aggressive apologies, to start with.

Really. I almost want OP to cancel just to spare this girl.

I've passed "almost".

I still don't get the problem. You can go out as friends. You can drink and have fun and chat and bitch about work as friends. You don't have to have a bunch of other people there. Having more people there doesn't make it more of a friend thing. If you want to make it a group thing, ask her if it'd okay to make it a group thing because some people don't like one-on-one's to turn into groups.

What? Were you looking for us to tell you to cancel? If you want to cancel, then cancel. It's a shitty thing to do, but if you are really uncomfortable, then cancel.

I'm incredibly socially awkward, and my only social outlets are work and FS. Being how they know me personally at work, I chose FS to try and sort this thing out in my head before I get to the point of crying in the middle of a restaurant because I don't know what the fuck I am doing out in public alone with this girl. That's how things go for me. I realize I am fucked in the head and that normal people such as yourself don't have these nagging fears. Sorry to have bothered you with my problems. Won't happen again.

think of it as a new adventure

You might have mentioned this in your original post. You know, since it affects how we interpret the situation.

That said... calm down. It's not a big deal or a date unless you want it to be, and if you do decide to go you could potentially make a new friend out of the deal.

Look, as someone who gets incredibly anxious about social situations - I'm sure nothing truly awful or embarrassing will happen. The odds of her running away in horror are minimal, and even if it gets awkward, it's likely you'll be the only one to notice. I'd be brave and go, anon - the number of times I've agonised over a social encounter only to find it fun, I can't tell you. That said, if you call and cancel, don't do it too soon before the outing.

Yeah, like herpy said, might've mentioned that social situations make you nervous in your first post because I would've answered totally differently. You kind of came of as a dude who didn't want to go out with a girl he didn't like just because as opposed to a dude that is just really nervous about social situations.

"Normal people" such as myself do have these nagging fears because most people have some fears related to social situations. When you are in a group do you let others in the group do the talking? If you do some talking when you are in groups, just take that experience and transfer it. What do you talk about? Work? Personal stuff? The atmosphere of the place? So now you are talking like it's a group outing, but it's only you and her. How well do you know her? Try to get to know her better. Ask her about work stuff. Are you drinking? Ask her what drinks she likes. You can pull this off and I think you will have a lot of fun.

Also, how you position yourself at the table makes a difference. Sit beside or at an angle, rather than across from her, and that will make eye-contact less fraught.

Yes! This really helps too. If you are going to a bar, maybe sit at the bar?

Seems like his lack of social skills extended to not expecting people to be a dick to him from the getgo, or we might've got the full teal deer instead of the highlights.

Well, here's the thing: if you* post something that makes it sound like you're going to be rude to someone you invited out just because you don't want to date them, then people are probably going to be a bit terse in their replies.

*General "you"

AYRT

Well, yeah, that's the thing. That-general-you expects people to take things the wrong way. This guy apparently didn't see that coming.

Stop it. Just stop it right now. This passive-aggressive "I'm so sorry I'm bothering you with my problems" business doesn't smooth anything over. It's not endearing or modest or whatever you're shooting for here. It's just annoying. And you don't mean it anyway. Obviously you meant to bother us with your life crap because you posted it. Suck it up, accept that you want to bother someone, and move on.

That, by the way, is the first tip. Don't be a snide, passive-aggressive idiot. No one likes it. It will make your not-date go badly.

Second tip: DON'T CRY! As they said on a movie preview, "Winners cry on the inside." Generally, I'd find that an unhealthy piece of advice, but it seems like advice that you need. There is nothing worse than making your table mate cry... except if you're the crying table mate.

Third tip: This isn't a date. She should know it's not a date because you asked a huge group of people. Ergo, not a date. And FYI, I've gone out with people, bought their dinner and movie (or been paid for) and it still wasn't a date. And we both knew it. If you really need to make sure that she knows casually say something like, "I looked ticket prices up online. The movie will cost about Y amount. And dinner'll probably be X. So we should both probably bring at least Z." or something equally logistical.

Fourth tip: You really don't have to do all or even most of the talking. Ask her about herself. Find a topic that she enjoys talking about and mine it by asking further questions. It'll put the convo on her and show that you're an attentive listener. This step will work even better if you stumble on a topic that you can both enthuse about.

Fifth tip: Relax and have fun.

[ SECRET POST #2659 ]

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