[ SECRET POST #2788 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2788 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 011 secrets from Secret Submission Post #398.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

But - but - Barney/Christmas is everything you need in grumpy old man shipping! It's like an old married couple literally on steroids. Plus, you can always have Dolph Lundgren/Jet Li as your old man hateship in this series.

On this topic, I did think that Mel Gibson was super attractive in the final fight scene, which made me ashamed of myself. Stupid sexy terrible person Mel Gibson.

[(Anonymous)]

OP here! To be honest, I'm actually a huuuge Gunner/Barney shipper. I can totally get behind Barney/Lee and Gunner/Yang though, but not to the point where I have tons of ideas for fics and so on, y'know? That's partly why I was so excited for the inclusion of Conrad Stonebanks -- I fully expected to come out of the cinema full of eagerness to write. And that just didn't happen :(

Ugh, I agree! I think Mel Gibson is a super-talented actor, and really damn attractive as well (old age suits him, and worked very well for the character as well). I just wish that final show-down had been longer...!

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

I actually remember being on the good ship Gunner/Barney after the first one - but then I gave in to Barney/Lee in the second one. Like, I don't even desperately want to read fic, I just realised I was interpreting them as a married couple and that's how the movie makes most sense to me. Statham and Stallone have ridiculous chemistry, which is impressive because as much as I genuinely love Stallone, the woodenness of his acting doesn't lend itself that well to chemistry with other actors...

Old age does suit Mel well (as did that nicely tailored maroon shirt), but I think my favourite Mel is still naked crazy Mel from Lethal Weapon. Which I just googled. For reasons. STUPID SEXY TERRIBLE PERSON MEL GIBSON.

Also, while we're talking about the show down, I did think it wasn't as good as the Expendables 2, mainly because the Jean Claude Van Damme showdown was so fun. I'm sure they could have thought of some more exciting way for for Conrad and Barney than 5 minutes of fisticuffs and scrabbling for guns.

[(Anonymous)]

different anon

These movies seriously made me wonder if Stallone doesn't have a huge mancrush on Statham because of the way he writes their characters. It's not just that the actors have absolutely ridiculous chemistry, but their characters are also really written as a bit of a married couple (you know, the whole ~heterosexual lifepartners~ thing), two guys who are super close and always come back to each other no matter what women they might be briefly interested in (not to mention that Barney doesn't actually seem all that interested in any of the women he meets). I know it's probably not on purpose, but it really feels like it in some places.

And yeah, I felt like the showdown in Expendables 3 was a bit ... short. Especially compared to the epicness of Stallone vs. Van Damme.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh no, gotta go Arnie/Jet Li on this one. That last bar scene was adorable.

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

I was not expecting how cute that was. I <3 it forever, and I'm glad Yang's found a place where he will be appreciated!

[(Anonymous)]

Barney/Lee is everything I ever wanted. They are so perfect together.

(And yeah, Mel Gibson was disturbingly attractive in this role. WHAT THE FUCK, SELF?)

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

Barney/Lee is everything I never knew I wanted til I watched the Expendables. The films actually make most sense to me if I just interpret their relationship as married. So good.

(I will be the driver of the Shame Bandwagon tonight, feel free to hop on! Inside we provide free pictures of naked Mel Gibson from Lethal Weapon, unlimited alcohol, and an anit-Mel Gibson donation box to assuage your guilt.)

[(Anonymous)]

They are right up my alley as far as ships go, it never even occurred to me to ship anything else in these movies tbh. It's hard to believe that it was NOT intended (I'm the same anon as the one squeeing about Barney/Lee further up in the thread, btw).

Haha, the funny thing is that I never found younger Mel Gibson hot. And then he reappears after years of nobody seeing him in any movie because he's horrible and fortunately destroyed his career, and BAM he's hot. I think it helps that he plays a creepy villain and he's a creepy villain IRL.

[(Anonymous)]

Ha, I love that we're having the same conversation in two different places. May as well condense it to one - re: Stallone having a mancrush on Statham, I wouldn't be surprised. I think he at least sees him as sort of younger him in terms of their careers. Stallone really does love the homosocial bromance male friendship that transcends his character's relationships with women though (see: like 75% of his movies - even the later Rocky films focus more on his male rivalries and friendships than his relationship with Adrian), so I think it's kind of just the kind of stories he likes. And knows that his audience likes - I'm certainly not complaining. Whether he knows that people see the slashy aspects of what he writes I don't know, but I would think it would remain unintentional even if he did know how people read the characters.

I totally have a thing for bear-y old man actors so Mel Gibson's attractiveness was not a surprise to me, ha. Something about older guys being a bit broader, and the crags in their faces falling in just the right spots to make them more handsome, and then being all deep voiced and authorative... Idk.

(On that note, Wesley Snipes is looking fiiiiine. And all those dapper suits? Dayum.)

[(Anonymous)]

That is pretty great. :D And frankly, that's one of the reasons I absolutely LOVE Stallone's movies. Not just because I love slash so I appreciate all the homoromantic undertones in his movies, but also because while he writes few female characters per movie, they usually get to be something other than "the hero's love interest who kisses him in the end because he saved her". I always really appreciated that the female characters either kicked ass themselves or, if they were damsels in distress, their relationship with his character usually remained platonic. Adrian is really the big exception to this (and even that's not a typical "hero gets the girl after saving her" romance). I'm not sure to what extent he's aware of the slashiness, though. On the one hand, I doubt Sylvester Stallone sits down and thinks "Imma write a gay love story in my action movie now". On the other hand, I have no idea how you can write something like Tango and Cash (okay, he didn't write all of the script, but he had a hand in it) and NOT mean for it to be gay as fuck. ;) Same for Barney/Lee.

Anyway, I love Statham for similar reasons. His movies also usually lack the damsel-in-distress-turned-girlfriend shit. So mad they didn't go through with his character in Transporter actually being gay like they intended during the second movie.

I generally love older guys, but somehow Mel Gibson never showed up on my radar of potentially hot older men. Probably because I had him firmly in the category of "really weird people whose movies I'm not going to watch".

(Trufax. Also, gotta love those long, lingering shots on Terry Crews' muscles. I see what you did there, Stallone.)

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I've always thought that he always gets in these well drawn character relationships, even if the rest of the material is a bit uneven. And his female characters are surprisingly great, it's true. I've always loved Adrian, despite how she gets pushed to the background in the later films, for how the Rocky/Adrian romance is handled in the first film. She might be meek and and a little scared of men, but he's just socially awkward, and so their romance comes across as two lonely people finding each other rather than cliched or skeevy. Even Teri Hatcher's character in T&C is pretty great - on paper, it sounds terrible: love interest of the main character, sister of his rival/friend, stripper. It could have gone so terribly, but actually she's actually this funny badass who has her own agency in the film and doesn't take shit from either Tango or Cash.

Also, you have just made me want to watch Tango & Cash again. HOW IS THAT EVEN A FILM. I have to try pretty hard to ignore Kurt Russell being a racist dick in the beginning, but I really do love it too much.

Terry Crews muscles should be listed separately in the credits, god they're insane. And on that note, sometimes I definitely wonder how the cheesy action films of the type that basically any of the Expendables actors have made could be solely thought of as 'guy films'. Like, attractive, ripped, oiled shirtless men grappling with each either literally or figuratively to win the affections of a woman who they often don't even bother to objectify because the director is too busy exploding shit - how are these films not just marketed as 'fun for straight guys, soft porn for women/gay men'? I do not get it. Lol.

[(Anonymous)]

Tango and Cash is so great. I love that film with all its terribleness. Also, seeing Stallone as the more sophisticated one of the two is kind of hilarious and I love it. <3

I have no idea. They're movies full of built men being objectified, with nothing but a rare woman for the no homo effect, it's like they're MADE for people who are attracted to men. Plus all the added explosions and awesomeness that appeal to just about everyone.