fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2802 ]

[ SECRET POST #2802 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2802 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Warriors]

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[Harry Potter]

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[Sweet Fuse: At Your Side]

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[Stargate Atlantis]

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[Black M]

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[The Lyon's Den]

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[Hannah Simone]

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[Bouletcorp]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 018 secrets from Secret Submission Post #400.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I wish my parents didn't make my anxieties worsse sometimes. My mom is always warning me that at my job "they watch you when you're off the clock and eating too much might get you fired" when I was having trouble passing the check test she warned me that they might get impatient with me. and just.....UGH STOP MAKING ME PARANOID.

I'm already pretty anxious about it because of the Walmart thing. Just ugh quit making me worse.

also one time a while ago when I asked about getting a psychologist, my mom told me about some time my psychologist (from when I was 17 ALLEGEDLY caught me in a lie about chores and trying 'hard enough' in school or whatever) and instead of being upfront with me about it the psychologist supposedly called my mom up and apologized for being all hard on her because I 'snowed /manipulated' her or something.

It made me feel horrible and awful and confused. Why didn't my psychologist talk to ME about it? what was my mom's purpose in telling me other than to make me feel like shit? IDEK. Now I'm almost unsure about trusting other psychologists. Mom always goes on when she's mad at me about how she's "always been on my side" but I dunno apparently she's the only one allowed to be on my side. :/

Things like that have been on my mind for a while and I don't know what to do about them, other than forget them or silently be bitter about it.

Sorry if I sound bitchy and resentful. I probably am. I feel like a horrible person and I just just shut up about it

This might be a stupid question, but have you ever watched Tangled? This is giving me serious Mother Gothel vibes. (I have an aunt who looks, talks, and acts exactly like Mother Gothel, so I'm familiar with the type.)

Yeah I have.
the rough thing is at her best she's great but sometimes she's like....that.

I figure I can try not taking the harsh things to heart. and talking with my next psychologist about it

*hugs if wanted* You don't sound bitchy. Your mom is probably just telling you anything and everything she can think of, but those sound like awfully callous reminders. Reign it in, mom. She sounds kind of manipulative, sorry to say.

That's really shitty of your last psychologist. The only thing I can think is that they saw you as a minor and went straight to your mother in a school-related issue? But if you're an adult now, a psychologist should treat you like one. A different psychologist.

-anon who just started therapy and has already mentioned a previous counselor's bad advice

*hugs freely taken*

She's nice sometimes but othertimes.....Geez. She can be. Her and my Dad sometimes seem to have the idea they can do anything because its their house.

I guess so. and I hope so at least. I plan on getting a different one.

IA. and frankly, even if you're a minor? your psychologist should respect your privacy (when it's not about abuse of course).

Don't apologize for being bitchy and resentful. Speaking of "manipulating," it sounds like your mom might the one with a talent for it.

But I admit I may be projecting too.

I do think you should try to seek out a psychologist on your own, and decide for yourself if said psychologist sucks. And either don't mention this person to your mom, but if you do, and your mom comes up with another story of how your psychologist "supposedly" was manipulated by you, you may want to confirm that with your psychologist before ending the sessions.

*nod* The only hard part is that I don't drive...so...I can't do anything secret from them

But I think I'll talk with my psychologist in private if my mom mentions something like that again.

You do not. You sound like a reasonable person who has her privacy violated and what should be a place of healing turned into one of manipulation. You've talked to me about your parents before, but this raises even more red flags with me than that conversation. :(

Thanks.

It was a while ago that it happened and all I want is to have my parents be accountable for what they say to me. So they don't think they can just say something hurtful then brush it off as joking or or denying it was said.

That is a 100% reasonable expectation for your interactions with your parents.

oh man I know that feel. like people can't take accountability for what they say/do and there's nothing you can do about it. SO FRUSTRATING.

Yeah their whole thing is "you're OUR child"/"this is OUR house"/"we're your parents we deserve respect"

My mom does that ALL the time.

Her favorite phrases include "you don't have to take it so SERIOUSLY" and "I'M NOT SAYING IT TO BE MEEEAAAAN." Or her go-to phrase when called on her bullshit, "Ugh! Well, I didn't MEAN it like THAT!" when yes, she very much did mean it that way at the time or at least had such an over-the-top screaming reaction that it's hard to imagine anything else was meant. (is it any wonder I was an easy hyper-sensitive target for bullies in school?)

I hate to tell you this, Jaybie, but what you want and what you can make them do are two different things. You can't control what others do, you can only control your reactions to them. You're not responsible for them, no matter how they act. But you can draw boundaries and subject them to certain consequences for their behavior. By that I mean shutting down a subject it sounds like they're not respecting what you have to say, or saying "I'll keep that in mind" when they start on with that paranoia bullcrap (but don't actually take their advice seriously). If you get your own place, I'm not saying to "hold hostage" any visiting time, because it's not about revenge, but if your parents start disrespecting you, you can offer to visit on a different day when they're in better moods. Or not at all. Just depends on the offense, and how badly you need to save your sanity.

Thanks.

I'll work on that.I'd like to think that things will get better when I can be on my own. I have this theory that when they finally see that I can manage and take care of myself that might realize that I can be an adult and be treated (and respected) like one.

Wait - your psychologist spoke to your mother? I'm pretty sure a HUGE breach of ethics. I'd find a new one, and if you can, avoid telling your mother who it is. (But maybe talk to this one first and make sure that's really what happened, and that your mother didn't blow something out of proportion.)

I was a minor at the time. I allowed her to come in to my appointments when I was younger because I dunno I guess it was expected.

It was years ago. I don't even know if my old psychologist remembers. My mom told me after we moved and I didn't know how to get in touch with the old psychologist.

Seriously? Learn to tune your parents out. That is the smartest thing I ever did.

*nod* Yeah I think that might be the best thing to do. So I don't have a nervous breakdown again.

My mom is always warning me that at my job "they watch you when you're off the clock and eating too much might get you fired"

Your mom is being ridiculous.

I mean, we know that they can read your emails or monitor whatever sites you access from a work computer. And they can read your public posts on social media. Hell, I've heard that there are places where they monitor how many times employees go to the bathroom. But I've never heard of anyone being fired because she ate too much...sounds like Mom is just seizing any excuse to tell her daughter "stop eating so much."

Though I suppose in an employment-at-will state, they can fire you because they don't like your habit of humming under your breath, or because your boss can't stand the smell of the egg salad sandwich you always bring for lunch.

She sounds a lot like my mom - says that other people might judge me for x ridiculous thing just so to make me feel bad about something she disapproves of about me, check; brings up hurtful things from the past just to make a point in an argument, check; gaslights me about nasty things she's said to me, check; says all the while that she's 'just trying to help me', check check check.

The thing is though, I actually have quite a good relationship with my mom now. I don't know whether it will help in your situation, but these things helped me be able to live quite peacefully with my mom in the same house:

- Realizing that even though she is my mom, she is also a person in her own right and the person that she is is a very flawed one. A lot of the things she made me feel bad about were actually her own anxieties projected onto me, for instance body image issues: she used to always make snide comments about my weight, but by gaining confidence in my self and knowing that her own insecurities about her body have plagued her her entire life and have made her very unhappy has made it that much easier to ignore her bitchier moments.

- Standing up to her (but not fighting with her) whenever she crossed the line. Whenever she said something ridiculous, I would tell her that it was ridiculous and had no place in a conversation between us. If she pushed the point I walked away. It caused conflict at first, but eventually things smoothed out and she learnt she couldn't push my buttons as easily as she used to.

- Doing little things she wanted me to do that didn't cost much to me, just to appease her immediate anger. Like, if she wanted me to do something around the house that was easy to do I would do it, even if the request was unreasonable, just to make her feel like I was helping out when I could. And if I couldn't do it at that exact time, I would make a time to do it later, instead of just brushing off the task entirely.

Basically, mine was a pragmatic approach - if I have no choice to live with my mother for the time being, even if she is a heinous bitch, I will work out how to make things easier for both of us, even if she doesn't deserve it, because I do.

Thanks that all sounds like it will help.

I guess it should be mentioned that I sometimes end up in huge fights with them because when we argue I flip out, but recently I've sort of realized that the reason I do that is because of my frustrations at being unable to explain my thoughts or arguments or communicate the way I want to. So now that I know, when I feel like that I can just tell myself I need a moment and I won't flip out.

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[ SECRET POST #2802 ]

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