[ SECRET POST #2820 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2820 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 045 secrets from Secret Submission Post #403.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Mostly want to get this out

[(Anonymous)]

So I've never really been in a relationship, but one thing sometimes worries me when I read about abusive ones - that I'll be a victim.

I have already sat by and let myself technically be "abused" by people on a non-romantic level; I've had toxic friendships and let an old boss constantly convince me I was an idiot. On one hand, I like to think these experiences have given me the strength in character to know limits - for instance, rather than just thinking "okay, it was me, not them" and hanging my head, I need to ask myself "even if it was me, was that a reasonable way to react?" and if the answer's no, stop feeling guilty.

But I guess I just worry that I'm easy to manipulate because I have been so easy to manipulate in the past. :/ Thoughts? Anyone?

Re: Mostly want to get this out

[herpymcderp]

Is there any specific reason other than past experience that you think you'll be abused?

You're obviously not the same person now that you were then, so why do you think you have more of a chance of getting into a relationship with an abusive person?

Re: Mostly want to get this out

[(Anonymous)]

da

Old habits die hard, and even when they do, those fears can remain. When you're abused, it does horrible things to your confidence. It makes you question what you're capable of handling.

It's been said that it isn't enough for the abuse to stop, or for the person to be taken out of the abusive environment. The person has to be deprogrammed of certain behaviors, and re-learn how to react (or how not to react) to certain situations so that they don't fall back into those same patterns.

Re: Mostly want to get this out

[(Anonymous)]

It's possible, and smart of you to be concerned about this although I hope you don't let worry isolate you from the possibility of relationships altogether. What might help is working on identifying your boundaries and being aware of how/when they're violated, and by who. Suggested reading:

http://captainawkward.com/
Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear"

Re: Mostly want to get this out

[(Anonymous)]

Agree with above recs, and also I suggest "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, which is a disturbing read - but it shows how abuse can start small and work up. Remember too that people like Madonna, Tina Turner and Nigella Lawson have fallen foul of abusers, so it's no disgrace to do so: and forewarned is forearmed, after all. You are being very sensible, anon.

Re: Mostly want to get this out

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, anon, sometimes I worry about this myself. Sometimes I don't know how much is too much, or how much I should stand before leaving. Obviously, with an abusive boyfriend, I should GTFO. With a shitty boss, I would have to weigh paying the bills with the work environment and ask if it's worth leaving, and then take the steps (CV/resume and job hunt) to find something better.

I figure with decent people, you should be able to express your thoughts and feelings (appropriately, remember boundaries also apply to you) and not be repeatedly dismissed or blamed for your thoughts/feelings. Be around people who give a shit about you and would rather help build you up than tear you down. Limit your interactions with those who would hurt you.

I know, sounds simple enough. And can be hard as hell for someone who's been abused. I'm finding, though, it isn't just enough that you forgive yourself for thinking/reacting in a wrong way, it's about taking responsibility for yourself, and not taking responsibility for what the other person does.