fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2820 ]

[ SECRET POST #2820 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2820 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 045 secrets from Secret Submission Post #403.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It was pretty clear to me, I don't know why all these other people are jumping on your back.

If I made a promise to a friend that I'd go somewhere with them and we made plans and it was important to the friend, I'd make some kind of effort at least to try and keep that promise. I'd hope my friends would do the same for me, and if they needed help doing it I'd help them too.

"I don't think I can make it but I wish I could" opens up a dialogue: what can we do about this situation? How can we help you? Is there anything else we can do? Have we explored all the options?

"Welp looks like I can't go then! That's that" closes it.

I think I worded it badly, and a lot of people on this comm are touchy about college/money. I honestly can't fault them for that.

Yeah, most of them seem focused on the fact that $600 is a lot of money. Which it is. But nobody said you're asking her to cough it up herself or unwilling to help or that there's no one around who would be willing to fundraise for the group or whatever. If you were just whining about how she should magically come up with the money, yeah, that's being a total brat. That wasn't what you were doing though and I dunno where people are getting that.

Well, most of us realize that being financially responsible is more important than cosplay. EVEN COSPLAY THAT'S BEEN PLANNED FOR MONTHS. You (if you're the OP) seems to think that because it's a big disappointment to you personally and that because you've been looking forward to it for a long time, that trumps the need to be financially responsible. It doesn't.

maybe the friend doesn't want a dialog. why does she have to invite one?

Don't be dense. The friend doesn't have to do anything, and it's her right to choose what to do. She doesn't have to invite a dialog, nobody said that.

But it would be something a good friend would do. Because if you're friends, you talk about things. If my friend suddenly encountered an obstacle in the way of plans we'd been looking forward to for months, I'd expect them to at least make an effort to go before giving up completely, because I'd do the same for them. Because trying to keep promises to each other is important to me in a friendship.

Even if the dialog ended up establishing that making an effort to raise the money would be too difficult even with help due to other commitments and all, at least that's something more than leaving your friend hanging all of a sudden.

don't be dense. saying "you owe your friend an explanation and an opportunity to argue you out of your decision, or you're a bad friend" is saying she has to invite a dialog.

Or what, I'm going to go over there and drag her into a room to talk it out? o_O

You're simplifying this and making this black and white when it isn't. Friends aren't split between good and bad, and being a good friend in one area doesn't mean you're good everywhere, and accordingly so for being a bad friend. Inviting a dialog is an action a good friend would take. Someone doing one thing a good friend would do, doesn't make them a good friend all the time, but that IS the thing a good friend would do. Also, not being a good friend doesn't mean you're a bad friend, just like not being a good person doesn't mean you're a bad person, or not being a good singer means you're a bad singer.

If you can't understand that, I think you're being purposely dense... or your worldview is very black and white.

if you think the only way one can "have" to do something is if compelled to do it by physical force, maybe it's you who has a simplistic worldview

and i see that you didn't even say "it's what a good friend would do." you said "it's what a friend would do." so you've said it yourself: the person who doesn't give op the dialog you feel she's entitled to is not a real friend.

No, that's ridiculous and not what I'm saying. Plus:

"But it would be something a good friend would do."

I did say good there? So I don't know what you're talking about in the last part.

"Real" friends can be good or bad or great or terrible or even neutral or decent, anon. Just like real people. Would I think donating money to the disadvantaged is something a good person would do? Yes, of course. Would I hold everyone to that standard and judge them if they don't? No, because that's ridiculous. But that doesn't change the fact that it's something a good person would do. It doesn't make a person a terrible one for not doing it.

I think opening making an effort to keep plans with friends made months in advance or at least opening a dialog about them instead of simply stating they can't go is something a good friend would do. Would I hold everyone to that standard and judge them if they don't? No, because that's ridiculous. But that doesn't change the fact that it's something a good friend would do. It doesn't make a person a terrible friend forever for not doing it.

i stand corrected, you said "because friends talk about things." but that does rather imply that the person who doesn't want to discuss something like this is not much of a friend

and it certainly does sound like you would judge someone for not doing so. perhaps you wouldn't label them a terrible person without a redeeming feature, but you clearly think that not "opening up a dialog" about her decision is not the action of a true friend, so you sound every bit as judgy as the people who are calling the op selfish and bratty

Good friends and true friends aren't the same thing. For example, and purely just as an example, not as a definition, to be clear, a true friend doesn't have to be a good friend all the time, but will pull through for you when push comes to shove.

You're reading a whole lot into my words that aren't there, and seem hellbent on continuing to do so, and I don't know why. Should we discontinue? I don't think we're understanding each other.

And you're engaging in a whole lot of hairsplitting, but we may as well discontinue. I don't think we have anything to say to one another.

If my friend suddenly encountered a financial obstacle to doing something with me, I'd understand, because I'm an adult who understands what it means to be responsible.

OP is the one who is actually being the bad friend. OP is placing his or her need to be validated over the friend's needs and situation. Actual friends, and people with maturity, recognize that plans can and do change depending on individual circumstances, and don't view a change of plans through the lens of "oh gosh this person must not think I'm important, waaah!"

OP is a child who has not had to deal with actual responsibility. And, judging by this comment, so are you.

It's just a matter of perspective. Yours is completely valid, but from my POV "I don't think I can make it but I wish I could" is not opening up a dialogue. It's just...making a statement.

I think the statements about the money being a big issue are valid too, but I don't like all the people ragging on OP.

Literally... she is sad. That's it. She feels sad. She's not doing anything or forcing anything on the friend or demanding anything. But people are calling her a brat and an asshole for it.

How's that for perspective? :\

People are calling her a brat and an asshole because she is acting as if her friend owes it to her to go to the con and do this joint cosplay with her and should just try harder to make it happen despite her financial worries.

She's said herself up in the thread that she's more hurt by the dismissal and easy dropping than the cosplay.

Feeling a way doesn't make someone an asshole unless they do or act in that manner, but actions =/= thoughts to me. Maybe I'm in the minority on that?

But it's not dismissal: the OP is choosing to view it as dismissal, which is not the same. The friend simply said she can't afford to do it and doesn't want to get into the argument the OP apparently wants to have about it. And we have no way of knowing whether or not it was an "easy" decision for the friend to drop the cosplay plans, either

I don't want to have an argument about it. That's why I posted here anonymously.

no, I see that you didn't--I was unfairly attributing another poster's idea of what friends owe each other to you. you were actually fairly sensible about wanting a little perspective. I'm sorry about participating in the dogpile, because I'm one of the people above who thought you were being bratty. I still think you're worrying unnecessarily about her not valuing the friendship, though. You may not be doing this one thing together now, but that doesn't mean that you can never do it at some future date, or that there are no other fun things for you to do.

It's fine, and you and everyone who pointed that out are right.

I hope things work out between you, and that you get to do your cosplay together sometime.

Thank you.

Sorry, someone suggested taking a step back, so I was, but then I realized a lot of comments had been added, and went to check.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2820 ]

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

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Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

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Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

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Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!

Re: Here is some perspective, op!