fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2841 ]

[ SECRET POST #2841 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2841 ⌋

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I think it's a great punishment. Not beating -- but spanking. That's what my mom did to me. If I did something wrong, I knew that was the punishment and I took it and it was over. She wouldn't be mad at me, she wouldn't keep reminding me of the things I did wrong. IT. WAS. OVER. It hurt, but it was over. It was just a way of telling me I'd done something wrong and she wouldn't put up with it.

My DAD, on the other hand, never spanked or hit me. But it was horrible to have him mad at you. He would sit you down and then talk for hours and hours about what you had done wrong (I mean that quite literally too -- I was too slow putting away dishes once and it was a fucking diatribe). And then it would hang over the house for days. And I fucking hated it. Sometimes I wish he would have socked me just to get it over with.

Maybe there's a solution that doesn't involve doing either of those things???

just a thought

I find it a bit sad that you think that are the only two ways you can discipline a child.

Where did I say there were only two solutions?

I just feel that spanking is a good punishment. It's simple so children can understand the consequence (physical pain) and, more importantly, it's quick.

I just get so TIRED of people painting spanking as abuse.

Your argument is: My mother hit me, I prefered that over my fathers way of discipline, which quite frankly was just as bad as your mother's. So I will raise my kids the same way my mother raised me, because I prefered that over how my father did it.

I preferred my mother's way of raising me over my fathers too, but my mother is seriously mentally ill, was having substance abuse issues when I was a kid and I will not copy that, even if it was "better" than what my father did.

You know what I am tired of? People arguing for hitting children, but then again I live in a country where it is illegal (and as abuse), so I mostly just see it on the internet.

Edited 2014-10-14 00:59 (UTC)

Except I gave reasons for why I think spanking works? Namely that it's quick, it's an understandable consequence to kids, that it's a consistent punishment, etc.

Moreover, nowhere did I say that these were the only two ways to do it. Just that I liked my mother's approach and thought it was effective.

I'm sorry that your mother is seriously mentally ill. My mother isn't though and I was never afraid of her nor felt like I couldn't tell her something out of fear of being punished.

And you know what, YEAH, I am sick of seeing spanking called abuse when people would be just fine with what my dad did. A slap on the bum isn't abusive. And being sat down and yelled at for two hours isn't my idea of a picnic. And then it's brought up again the next day. Over and fucking over.

But you keep implicitly comparing it to your dad's parenting methods as the only other alternative. Like, you do it again in your last paragraph there. I agree that your dad's methods of discipline were bad and hey, maybe spanking was better than that. But that doesn't mean spanking is good.

Even your reasons listed in the first paragraph for why spanking works seem like they're contrasting with your dad's style - it's quick (unlike your dad's days of emotional punishment), understandable (unlike your dad's holding grudges), consistent (unlike your dad's unpredictable grudges). The question should be whether there are other methods that fill those criteria that don't involve hitting your kids. Whether there are things that are more effective, not just better than your dad's way.

For the record I don't think that your mother was abusive or a bad person. I think it's all too common for this debate to fall into the trap of people justifying what their parents did or didn't do one way or another, and it's a side issue. And I don't think making_excuses was accusing your mother of anything. But your mother doesn't have to be a bad person to be an imperfect parent. Shit, everyone is probably an imperfect parent. The point is we should be willing to look for other ways of doing things.

But you keep implicitly comparing it to your dad's parenting methods as the only other alternative

OMG, she was raised by two parents. She preferred her mother's over her father's way of punishing. Why are you harping over them being the only two alternatives? She didn't have more to go on than those two during her formative years, so of course they're going to be in her mind as the choices she could follow.

And I agree very much with her. Spanking is a punishment, it's not abuse. I get sick of oversensitive adults trying to make it something more, another bone in the jaws of Social Justice.

Well, I kind of think you're a troll, but - I agree that it's natural those would be in her mind. But she's not limited to them. And, I mean, it's fairly straightforward - the fact that one alternative is bad doesn't make the other one good. That's what I'm trying to get at.

As for the other thing, I don't think spanking is necessarily abuse, but that doesn't mean that it's good parenting.

You know what else is quick? Saying "no", saying "go to your room and think about what you did", "no tv for the rest of the day", or any other kind of sentence that punishes a kid but does not hit him or her.

I read it that way, I am sorry that I didn't understand you correctly, but that is what I got from your comment.

Thank you for that, but I am not, my father is healthy, he is completely "normal", but he was cold, and never ever told me he loved me or anything like that, mostly he punished me when he got home from work and then a day later he would be gone for 3 more weeks, but neither of my parents were bad parents, flawed yes. And I am sure your mother wasn't a bad parent, either.

Then again in my country spanking is abuse, in my society your mother would not have been allowed to raise you, but neither would your father have, both your parents did something that in my country would be classified as abuse. And if they didn't change their ways under the guidance of the CPS they would have taken their children away, because both things are abusive and damaging to a child.

I understand that you don't look at it that way, I will not tell you that your mother ever abused you, or that your childhood was bad, because of it, I don't know you, nor do I know your childhood. And I am sorry about what your dad did to you, it is not something any child should go through, but that does not make spanking a good thing. Two wrongs does not make one right.

But I believe and will always believe that spanking is abuse, and there is no "what ifs" that makes it right, but and this is a pretty big but: I don't believe that children who were spanked growing up where necessarily abused, it is up to the individual to decide if they were abused or not.

Then again: in this day and age making the choice to use violence against a child is freaking barbaric and I will not be okay with it.

In short: Anyone being spanked growing up was not necessarily abused, anyone spanking their children would now would.

Edited 2014-10-14 02:12 (UTC)

Thing is, for me? That never worked. My brother? Take away his shit? It worked. Spanking didn't work for him, but for me it did.

Eff off.

And as we all know one example is proof, screw science, we can just go on random peoples personal experience.

I like how you started with an actual rebuttal and then ended your comment with outright hostility. ~~complete with pseudo-swearing too~~

So, why did you take that comment as a personal attack?

Don't mind them, everything anyone says to otakugirl is a personal attack.

Said to her? It's enough for her to see it to take it personally!

Depends.

Yes. As we can all see from your propensity to be kind and level-headed, and your ability to not take things personally, you turned out just fine. Clearly, you should be upheld as a shining example of how spanking works.

*yawn*

to be honest, I am so so thankful my parents never subscribed to the "time out" thing because it would have fucked me up so hard. Being 'sent away' to be all alone? I would have felt like I was banished from society. It was done to me once in kindergarten and I was a wreck after it.

Stop pretending that time-outs are the perfect solution that never affect anyone badly.

This. Until we become pod-people and all our brains are carefully structured to work the exact same there will never be any perfect, one-size-fits-all solutions to dealing with *any* situation involving people, let alone child rearing.

So... you'd rather they hit you?

Time-outs aren't supposed to be fun. And there aren't actually any studies that are critical of them - of course within reason. Five minutes time out, not five hours.

...so you're trying to say that the fact that I took it really hard didn't actually happen, because no studies say so? My goodness, I'll just edit my emotions, shall I?

There's a huge difference between 'not fun' and my experience. Yes I would much rather be hit. Hitting ends quickly and wouldn't make me feel like I was too worthless to spend another moment in civilized company.

Hitting ends quickly - that's probably one of the biggest reason why it doesn't work as a deterrent. There's no learning, no amends, just a spurt of violence and then it's finished.

Whether or not kids like it, however, it is appropriate to put them in time out if they are not in control of themselves (hitting others, tantruming, etc).

Yeah, wow. What can I say, I'm glad you're so sensitive to an individual's needs.
As it happens, my parents hit me like... once in my life, to shock me out of doing something dangerous, and managed to educate me just fine without putting me in time-out. Because my parents recognized my needs as an individual and didn't subscribe to cookie-cutter parenting, as you seem to.

And again, you are 100% ignoring the fact that some kids could be emotionally hurt by being put in time out, beyond "not liking it". I mean obviously if it never happened to you it doesn't exit, amirite????

Also, for the record, neither I nor any of my siblings ever indulged in tantrums.

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[ SECRET POST #2841 ]

I am PRO hitting kids

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