[ SECRET POST #2926 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2926 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 036 secrets from Secret Submission Post #418.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Advice Thread

[badass_tiger]

If you were in a bad place, and your friend was in a similarly bad place, and you want to take care of your friend but you know that doing that would make your own situation worse (maybe because you have depression and other people's problems make you feel even worse on the inside - totally random example), what would you do? Would you help your friend or focus on taking care of yourself?

What if your friend doesn't know about your problem/isn't taking it seriously and so doesn't help you in return?

I feel like the answer to this is obvious but I feel so confused about this.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

I have found, personally, that helping other people out while depressed myself has actually helped with my depression. I have no idea why this is, or if it's something that would help other people. Maybe that's just how my brain rolls.

Re: Advice Thread

[badass_tiger]

I've never been the type who can handle other people's emotional problems. I have this empathy thing where I feel what other people are feeling when they talk to me so someone telling me about their emotional problems effectively doubles my emotional problems. I guess that sounds kind of selfish, but the last time someone dumped their emotions on me, it was in the middle of my examination week and I only just scraped by a paper because I felt so horrible afterwards that I just went to bed and cried for ages.

I wish I could feel better from helping other people out though because I really want to help this friend of mine ... it's just that I find it hard to do that without having a breakdown myself.

Edit: I should have perhaps posted the above as anon haha

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

You shouldn't feel bad about that, not at all. Everyone handles things differently. Good luck in finding a solution, BT. Remember that you can't help your friend at all if you don't look after yourself too.

Re: Advice Thread

[kallanda_lee]

I probably would help them, but then I'm not known for me ssense of self-preservation. Do with that what you will.

Re: Advice Thread

[siofrabunnies]

Bad place emotionally? I agree pretty heavily with 1st anon. Helping others, while still giving some time to yourself, is a great boost for a lot of people. It's not a 100%, absolute rule or anything, but it's up there.

Bad place in a physical/financial sense is a harder deal. Don't help someone financially unless you can afford to lose it. Even if they are a good person and intend to return, it's no guarantee that they'll be able to.

When it comes to someone not taking problems seriously, I've had a lot of luck saying, "I get that this isn't important to to, but it is to me. I need you to respect that fact." If they still don't, then don't go to them for help.

I hope whatever it is works out.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

It depends. There are times (like anon above) where helping someone else can take you out of your own head for a while and actually alleiviate your own symptoms by putting the focus elsewhere. However there are also times when e.g. there might be too much overlap between your problems and theirs, in which case it ends up fanning the flames for both of you.

Over the past few years I've been trying to help someone with severe anxiety issues, all the while suffering from equally severe anxiety myself and getting very little support back from them. Sometimes it helps put my own feelings into perspective (even if it's only those moments where you're "Hey, I think that same way/do the same thing/have a similar ritual" etc. that helps you feel less alone), and sometimes it can make me ten times worse.

tl:dr, you're not wrong to feel confused because it's a very confusing thing. Unfortunately there's not much you can do except play each situation by ear, and gauge it by whether you feel you're going to benefit or whether it might exacerbate things for you.

But ultimately you need to take care of you at the very least alongside taking care of others. It's like the whole 'fasten your own air mask before helping others with theirs' thing on airplanes.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

Self care first. It's like being on a plane when the oxygen masks drop-- you put yours on first and THEN help other people because your ability to help is greatly diminished if you don't look out for yourself.

"What if your friend doesn't know about your problem/isn't taking it seriously and so doesn't help you in return?"

Uh, this kinda raises a small red flag, to be honest. If they don't know, then you should be honest with them about wanting to help, but also needing help yourself. If they don't take it seriously, then I'm not sure I see a reason to spend precious emotional resources on someone who doesn't give enough of a shit about you to see that they're not draining you dry.

Also, your friend should have other resources of help other than you. You cannot be anyone's sole caretaker, that's not a reasonable expectation to have of you.

Re: Advice Thread

[caerbannog]

Id tell them that I'll try my best to be supportive but that I'm not Able to 'take care' of them as I'm pretty sure it's make things worse for both of us.

So by saying no, technically helping in the long run. Even tho a no tends to be upsetting.

Re: Advice Thread

[diet_poison]

In general it is important to remember that if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help people as well in the long run.

And there are balances. It's not all absolute. You can help them to the extent you are able, which might not be as much as if you didn't have to focus on yourself so much, but you can still send them comforting messages and remind them you're there.

Of course if this is all hypothetical, or purposefully vague, then a lot does depend on the details!