[ SECRET POST #2926 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2926 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.


__________________________________________________



09.











Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 036 secrets from Secret Submission Post #418.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

Cause I need advice. Others are welcome to use it too :)

Yuletide Commenting

[(Anonymous)]

So, I wrote a story for Yuletide and it has some comments. Last year, I responded to everyone's comments but I don't generally get comments on the things I write and knowing how to respond it hard for me. So, this year I decided not to respond to anyone's comments.

But then I saw a thread on Yule_coal (or whatever it's called) where someone said they were sad they hadn't received a comment back to their comment because they were hoping to start up a conversation/meet someone new/etc. I like that idea.

Well, it's been a while since Yuletide. Would it be weird to comment now? Should I make a note about not commenting ("sorry, busy!" or whatever) or just comment as normal? Do people even notice how long it's been on AO3 or Yuletide?

What do you guys think about connecting to someone through the comments? Would I be getting my hopes up to connect with someone in my own fandom or do you think the chances are pretty good?

Feel free to talk about your own Yuletide experience if you want.

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[(Anonymous)]

If there's a gap between me leaving a comment and someone replying, I usually assume they've been caught up with RL stuff. I think that's not unreasonable, especially arond the holiday season.

On the other hand, I do find it slightly rude if people don't reply to my comments.

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[(Anonymous)]

Just comment. Nobody cares how long it's been.

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[(Anonymous)]

It's been seven days since the author reveal. It's not that long; just comment as normal.

That said, I've never really made any kind of 'connection' via replying to someone's comments. I just like doing it because I don't get a lot of comments (I am neither a prolific writer nor in any particularly large fandoms) and it makes me so damn happy that someone is talking to me.

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[kallanda_lee]

It's early januari - it's totally acceptable to still comment!

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[(Anonymous)]

Comment if you want to. I think most people would be happy to get a reply anytime, if they were hoping for one.

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[badass_tiger]

Sometimes people reply to my comments a couple of weeks later and I'm still happy to receive a reply. A late reply is better than none at all, especially if you were hoping for one!

Re: Yuletide Commenting

[(Anonymous)]

It really hasn't been that long. Especially seeing as a lot of people won't be online over the holidays as much as usual and therefore won't have been checking comments as often anyway. Honestly, it's only this week that everything's settling back to normal with travel/work/school etc.

Go for it!

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

My advice: Ask your question.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

Pretty sure they did it in a reply so that other ppl could ask their own question. Just a guess.

Re: Advice Thread

[badass_tiger]

If you were in a bad place, and your friend was in a similarly bad place, and you want to take care of your friend but you know that doing that would make your own situation worse (maybe because you have depression and other people's problems make you feel even worse on the inside - totally random example), what would you do? Would you help your friend or focus on taking care of yourself?

What if your friend doesn't know about your problem/isn't taking it seriously and so doesn't help you in return?

I feel like the answer to this is obvious but I feel so confused about this.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

I have found, personally, that helping other people out while depressed myself has actually helped with my depression. I have no idea why this is, or if it's something that would help other people. Maybe that's just how my brain rolls.

Re: Advice Thread

[kallanda_lee]

I probably would help them, but then I'm not known for me ssense of self-preservation. Do with that what you will.

Re: Advice Thread

[siofrabunnies]

Bad place emotionally? I agree pretty heavily with 1st anon. Helping others, while still giving some time to yourself, is a great boost for a lot of people. It's not a 100%, absolute rule or anything, but it's up there.

Bad place in a physical/financial sense is a harder deal. Don't help someone financially unless you can afford to lose it. Even if they are a good person and intend to return, it's no guarantee that they'll be able to.

When it comes to someone not taking problems seriously, I've had a lot of luck saying, "I get that this isn't important to to, but it is to me. I need you to respect that fact." If they still don't, then don't go to them for help.

I hope whatever it is works out.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

It depends. There are times (like anon above) where helping someone else can take you out of your own head for a while and actually alleiviate your own symptoms by putting the focus elsewhere. However there are also times when e.g. there might be too much overlap between your problems and theirs, in which case it ends up fanning the flames for both of you.

Over the past few years I've been trying to help someone with severe anxiety issues, all the while suffering from equally severe anxiety myself and getting very little support back from them. Sometimes it helps put my own feelings into perspective (even if it's only those moments where you're "Hey, I think that same way/do the same thing/have a similar ritual" etc. that helps you feel less alone), and sometimes it can make me ten times worse.

tl:dr, you're not wrong to feel confused because it's a very confusing thing. Unfortunately there's not much you can do except play each situation by ear, and gauge it by whether you feel you're going to benefit or whether it might exacerbate things for you.

But ultimately you need to take care of you at the very least alongside taking care of others. It's like the whole 'fasten your own air mask before helping others with theirs' thing on airplanes.

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

Self care first. It's like being on a plane when the oxygen masks drop-- you put yours on first and THEN help other people because your ability to help is greatly diminished if you don't look out for yourself.

"What if your friend doesn't know about your problem/isn't taking it seriously and so doesn't help you in return?"

Uh, this kinda raises a small red flag, to be honest. If they don't know, then you should be honest with them about wanting to help, but also needing help yourself. If they don't take it seriously, then I'm not sure I see a reason to spend precious emotional resources on someone who doesn't give enough of a shit about you to see that they're not draining you dry.

Also, your friend should have other resources of help other than you. You cannot be anyone's sole caretaker, that's not a reasonable expectation to have of you.

Re: Advice Thread

[caerbannog]

Id tell them that I'll try my best to be supportive but that I'm not Able to 'take care' of them as I'm pretty sure it's make things worse for both of us.

So by saying no, technically helping in the long run. Even tho a no tends to be upsetting.

Re: Advice Thread

[diet_poison]

In general it is important to remember that if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help people as well in the long run.

And there are balances. It's not all absolute. You can help them to the extent you are able, which might not be as much as if you didn't have to focus on yourself so much, but you can still send them comforting messages and remind them you're there.

Of course if this is all hypothetical, or purposefully vague, then a lot does depend on the details!

Nicest way to tell people I need space?

[(Anonymous)]

My friend, who has depression, has been in a rough spot for a while now and I've been trying to be a supportive friend as much as I can, but recently some serious IRL issues came up and I've been very stressed. I know when I get like this I'm bound to snap at someone and with how she constantly wants to talk to me to unload about her problems I've been feeling emotionally crowded lately and I can tell I'm getting crankier around her. I've tried a couple times to tell her that I need some time to sort myself out, but she has a tendency to take things personally (i.e. as if she's done something wrong when I tell her I need some space) and while I always reassure her that she's done nothing wrong, I'm getting increasingly agitated just being around her.

What can I say to tell her that I need some breathing room but also reassure her that she's done nothing wrong? "I need some space" doesn't seem to be working anymore because lately she's been talking about how much of a fuck up she is and the last time I told her I needed to withdraw she went on a ramble asking me if she upset me in some way.

I don't want to have to resort to telling her what my IRL issues are because they deal with a lot of personal history that's pretty dark and I'm not the type of person to be open with that, but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I need to explain them to her just so she can understand that there are things in life that upset me that have nothing to do with her? Except I don't want to do that because that's uncomfortable...

Re: Nicest way to tell people I need space?

[(Anonymous)]

Can you explain your IRL issues in a way that's vague enough to be comfortable for you and provide reassurance for her? Or fudge it a bit so it's not exactly the issue you're dealing with, but close enough for your friend to realize it's important to you and that you need time to deal with it?

Unfortunately depression can make someone very insular, self-loathing and very self-absorbed at the same time, so it can be tough for the other person to be able to make us understand that it's really not anything about us. D: It can try the other person's patience to the point where the thing we're worrying about (i.e. them keeping their distance because of us) actually happens.

Just keep reiterating as gently as you can that you have important RL things to deal with, and that it's no reflection on her or your friendship.

Re: Nicest way to tell people I need space?

[(Anonymous)]

If she's not a good enough person to understand that other people need boundaries, space and time to see to their own mental health, then I'm not sure she's someone worth sacrificing your own mental health for. I know that sounds kind of heartless, but she can and should pursue other people to talk to about her problems. It's not fair for her to rely only upon you and then guilt trip you when the responsibility is too much.

Re: Nicest way to tell people I need space?

[caerbannog]

I've found the battery analogy really good - where you say your people battery is really low right now and you need to have some me-time before you go completely flat. Throw in something about appreciating her concern but you really just need some quiet.

Basically using a lot of me/I language so it's not about her?

Re: Nicest way to tell people I need space?

[diet_poison]

Your friend sounds a lot like me 8-ish years ago.

If she's immature, or in a really really emotionally bad place, or both, she's not going to take it well, even though you are absolutely within your rights to ask for space and in fact it sounds like it's what you NEED right now and is therefore the best choice.

If it helps you could always try to allude to your problems or only share part of them and say "that's not even all of it but I don't want to talk about the rest".

Do explain, though, if you are able - it's harder not to take things personally if they're abrupt and without much explanation. I don't mean explain all your problems, but explain you need space in general and it's not just her and you will get back to her soon (define "soon" how you think you should, in your circumstance). It's very easy to misconstrue sudden distance as something she did or something that's personal (might be kinda true here but it doesn't sound like it's because she's a Bad Person) and that can feel hurtful even if the person doing the distancing isn't doing anything wrong - just another perspective, here.

Also, I hope for her sake that she has other people in her support network, and if she doesn't, that she gets some other people, because it's never healthy to just have one person to lean on (for the leaner or the leanee).

Re: Advice Thread

[(Anonymous)]

My future brother in law has recently been sent to prison for (among other things) possessing indecent photos of children.

No longer having anything to do with him isn't a problem, but I only found out the details by accident. My fiance just doesn't want to talk about it and clearly doesn't want me or anyone else to know, generally just saying he doesn't know what's going on with said brother if anyone asks him.

Thing is, my other future in laws might mention it at the wedding to my family and I don't want it to come as huge shock to them. Should I stay quiet and pretend I don't know like my fiance would probably want me to (if he knew that I knew) or just quietly mention it to my parents just so they know to tread careful around the subject if it comes up?