fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2940 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2940 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Doctor Who]

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[Fire Emblem Awakening]

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[Sleepy Hollow]

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[Agents of SHIELD]

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[Babylon 5]

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[Sinfest]

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[Weekly Wipe with Charlie Brooker]

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[Sailor Moon Crystal]

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Anyone got some hints or advice?

My sister is going through some hard times, isn't talking to our father and calls me a lot just to chat. Been going for a few months. It's only a problem because it's nearly every DAY. It's all about her day (okay, cool, but frankly no-one's day is interesting enough to hear about every day) and the interrogation of what's in my life (which is stressful just for asking every day)

And I'm uber busy and stressed and I just can't handle the clingy right now.

I need to ask her to dial it back a bit before I burst into tears. I dread my mobile, it's water torture for my ears.

:( I love her but man she needs to let up on the calls.

Tell her you're going to be getting even busier now, and won't have as much time as before to take calls? Sound apologetic about it?

I did try that, I'm legit going to be on camping/fishing trips. She singsonged she's still going to call me.

She's also asked me to call her more often and I don't see why I need to if she's calling me every other day. Maybe after a week, sure, but every other day? :C

I hate mobile phones and their missed call notifications and message banks and ability to interrupt me all the time.

Could you tell her that, and propose that you'll make time once a week for a "quality" talk, maybe over Skype where you can see each other and basically give each other the week rundown?

That's a good idea! Giving her an alternative instead of a stop calling ;; and of course if something real bad happened call straight away! Just...not every other day :(

In that case, can you just not answer the phone, and then text her later with an apology that you were busy? And try putting your foot down with her, and firmly let her know that you don't have the time to take her calls every day. If it's stressing you out that much she needs to stop being so selfish and get over the fact that you don't have the time for all her calls.

She's not hugely rational right now :( so I'm trying to mitigate setting off a panic attack, bit yeah she's gonna have to back off irbil gonna snap at her.

I've an experience of being a clingy person and calling my family. I also have a sis who doesn't like to speak on the phone. Maybe don't actively participate. Try to answer with only "M-mm" and only when prompted. Do something else while talking, like typing, etc. It's like you don't mind her calling and is here for her, but can't be bothered to pay attention because there's nothing important being said.

Edited 2015-01-22 11:51 (UTC)

She's been catching on when I so that but it is so hard to pay attention to hearing about someone's day for 15 - 30 mins and it's... Just the usual day XD

I know she's missing the family (different state) but she refuses to fly down and visit and wants everyone else to visit her (on the most expensive city arghhhh) and since she's not talking to dad for whatever reason ages stopped calling home so now it's me and I do but want to be stuck between this and their refusal to talk it out (a minor reason but exploded due to her PTSD and anxiety etc). Sigh. Darn anxious extroverted sisters.

Ahh, but that's the point, for her to catch up on that. ;) For example, with my sis it makes me say goodbye sooner. Or when I was really stressed some years ago, I just ranted while she was doing- something else.

It all depends on your relationship of course, so you know what to do better than anyone else. Making "blah blah" noises at each other is a running joke for us, so neither I nor my sister is going to be hurt by the lack of attention. It all depends on the people in question...

Oh, and when I don't want to talk to someone any longer, I say that I had to work/clean/cook/go somewhere ages ago, so gotta run.

Family drama is the worst. >.< Half of my family holds grudges against the other half. Alas, it can't be helped.

This really seems to be stressing you out. But I might have some useful advice!

See, I've been away from my family for years. But when I first cut them off, they would call me, which would send me into panic and terror (because the calls were never GOOD). But I was also afraid that if I never took their calls, what if I missed something important?

Well, first of all, I told them point blank that I would NOT be taking any of their calls, period. (You don't seem to have reached that point, but still, you can enforce your boundaries, "Only one call a week," or whatever. And I mean what's really COMFORTABLE for you, not what you're caving to out of guilt.)

Then, I stuck to it. I DID NOT TAKE THEIR CALLS, because I knew that if I backed down, they would learn that my boundaries were negotiable, if they just badgered me long enough. Your sister seems to be of this type. Once you lay a boundary, you HAVE to stick to it, or you'll just have to start all over.

Of course, that still leaves the messages, but I found a solution for that too! I had a roommate go through all my voice mail messages. She would tell me if the call was really something important, or just them trying to guilt-trip me more. (Surprise: none of them were important.) Having her as a human filter made me SO much less anxious. Also, having a friend who could verify what was happening ("yeah, the call was a passive-aggressive guilt trip about how lonely they are and how vicious you're being, fuck 'em,") was a much-needed dose of reality.

They finally stopped calling me after the Boston Marathon shootings. I was living in Boston at the time, and had lots of people checking in to make sure I was not dead, including the parents. For a moment, I had sheer panic: this was a legit thing for them to call me about! But if I talked to them, I knew they would NEVER STOP.

In a moment of adrenaline-fueled genius, I dashed to my roommate and shoved my phone at her. "TELL THEM I'M NOT DEAD."

She took my phone, shoved me out of her room, shut the door in my face, and told me to go do something else for a while. After a few minutes, she came out, gave me my phone back and said, "I told them you were not dead."

I was able to reassure my parents, get them the info they needed, while still maintaining my boundaries of not taking their calls or talking to them.

It's been years since I had a phone call from them, and my stress level has gone WAY down since. Your sister doesn't sound like it's as intense of a situation but hey, my method at least has guaranteed results.

(Note: your sister might do what my folks did at first, which was call more often in hopes of badgering me into relenting. DO NOT CAVE. There may be guilt trips, whining, calls insisting it's an emergency and the emergency turning out to be "how could you do this to me." DO NOT CAVE. If her behavior continues to escalate, then obviously you need MORE distance, not less.)

Boundaries are so hard but hopefully she'll listen. I can do once a week but outside of that is really too much and not necessary. I'll stick my phone in airplane mode if I have to!
(And probably will do at some point because I need a people free week x-x)

I don't think she's that bad yet, but she's got some odd ideas of how a family is 'meant' to be like* including things like loads of phone calls and always available (just not physically possible)

* wanting it is fine but there is no correct family behaviour. People aren't checkboxes...I hope her therapist explains this to her.

Yeah, obviously my system is pretty hardcore, and probably overkill for your situation. I just figured, better safe than sorry, and you sounded pretty sick of it.

Keeping boundaries is REALLY hard, especially since a lot of it boils down to, "Don't say no too hard, that's rude," which makes it easy for some folks to ignore or misunderstand. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down, and when you're dreading your phone ringing, it's time.

[ SECRET POST #2940 ]

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