fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2951 ]

[ SECRET POST #2951 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2951 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[The To-Do List, Brandy/Willy]

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03.

[Avatar: Legend of Korra]

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04.

[The Amazing World of Gumball]

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05.

[Agents of Shield]

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06.

[Game of Thrones]

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07.

[Galavant]

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08.

[Soukyuu no Fafner Exodus]

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09.

[Jamie Dornan from "The Fall"]

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10.

(Neil Gaiman)

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 054 secrets from Secret Submission Post #422.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So I most likely don't want kids. I love them, but am far too selfish with my own time. :P Plus, as much as I like them, I've never known quite how to discipline them or even always relate to them. Some are easier than others, of course.

Anyway, I've noticed a lot of other childfree people just don't seem to like kids. They go as far as calling them "crotchfruit" and also seem to hate their friends for having them. So where is the line drawn? Is it childfree if you like kids, just don't want any of your own?

Eh, it depends. "Childfree" basically means "childless b choice". I don't think childfree people are per definition child-haters. But I do notice childfree communities can be toxic. I used to participate in one, no longer do for that reason.

But really, call yourself what you want.I don't insist on labels myself. Some people find the childfree vs childless label important, or a clear distinction.

Is it childfree if you like kids, just don't want any of your own?
Er, yes?

Yeah idk "childfree" as a community just weirds me out. Not because there's anything wrong with not having kids, but why do you have a community about not wanting something? It's like being an anti-fan. And the language is stupid and disgusting (like "crotchfruit" etc), what the hell. I find it even more obnoxious when they act like they're so moral and amazing for not having kids - and people who want kids are "selfish".

like yeah by all means let's give social support the cause of not having kids for any reason, reducing pressures people feel to have kids, and stigmas about people who don't want kids. but seriously, don't be a dick about it.

Childfree communities are typically a mess so I stay away from them BUT before I knew what the people were like I did like the idea of having a community for people who don't have and don't want children.

It's not so much about not wanting something as it is wanting to connect with other people with a similar lifestyle as your own. I like kids and have no problems being friends with parents, but some parents get really wrapped up in it even to the extent that they no longer have any interest in you if you aren't also a parent. It can be really isolating to be single and without children sometimes, not only do I not have a partner, but sometimes I feel like I can't have friends because I don't "fit in."

But like I said most childfree communities are horrendous and all the things you said are accurate, but if there were childfree communities where people just wanted to make some friends, I'd be all for it.

na

Yeah, the childfree community itself can be pretty awful (not that everyone in it is. it's just one of those things where the loudest and most obnoxious people tend to drown everyone else out). The childfree lj comms were pretty good for a laugh though (especially childfree_hardcore or whatever it was called. some of those people were certifiable). Some of the people talked as if they were literally never a child and sprung from their father's forehead as a grown adult or some shit. Like, yes, a child crying can be really annoying but if two seconds of a kid crying in a grocery store is enough to send you into homicidal fits of rage then you have issues. There was also a lot of things that came off as kind of misogynistic in those comms. A lot of people only seemed to focus on mothers rather than fathers and called them "breeders" and "cows" (because they breastfed their children which...I guess makes you cow somehow?) and scorned them for daring to have children instead of living a "successful" life as if they were setting the women's rights movement back fifty years just by having kids. Shit got crazy. I don't want children myself, but those people made me far too embarrassed to label myself as childfree even though I've met people who identified as such who weren't rage filled assholes

On the positive side those awful people will never reproduce and therefore die out in the next generation.

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-02 00:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-02 02:57 (UTC) - Expand

How do they expect the human race to keep going if no one has kids, though?

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-02 16:56 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-02 17:37 (UTC) - Expand

"they act like they're so moral and amazing for not having kids - and people who want kids are "selfish"."

Maybe that's a reaction against really self-righteous parents? Some people who are all about having kids use the same argument against people who don't have or want kids, that it's "immoral" and "selfish" not to have them.

It's interesting how, a lot of times, when we react against being bullied, we start to take on the same logic as the bullies themselves.

Not wanting kids isn't the same as not being a fan of something. Deviation from the expected life script can still come with a whole hell of a lot of backlash, as well as a lot of non-hostile but still frustrating or painful effects.

That's no excuse to be an asshole about people who do have or want children, obviously, but sometimes you really need to commiserate with other people who've been in similar positions about the fact that you had to break up with a really great SO because they want children and you absolutely don't, or about the fact that your parents are still hounding you about grandchildren when you've told them that's never going to happen.

I can see why ppl from some families would like the community support, especially for women there's soooo much child pressure...but the sheer amount of child HATE and the culture is toxic (calling ppl cows or breeders?!) is disgusting >:(

Technically you qualify as childfree if you like kids but just don't want any of your own, but the community is so awful that I prefer not to identify as such. I don't want to be associated with a group of people who call children things like crotchfruit and crotchdroppings and call mothers "moos."

Yeah, I'm like you. I just have no faith in my ability to be an engaged parent. (And I have a lot of cousins; they can have kids.)

But actually hating children to that degree is weird to me.

I don't know. I'm comfortable using the term childfree for myself. I don't want kids at all, and while I intend to be an awesome aunt to my sister's eventual kids, I do tend to only be able to handle kids in small doses and find them annoying.

That being said, there is a definite toxic side to the community that makes me not want to be a part of it. Because not having children is my choice, but I don't look down on people who choose otherwise.

This is pretty much me too. I'm not that fond of kids but the way the big childfree communities talk about them is disgusting. I can't deal with people denying anyone's humanity.

Technically you could be called childfree but the community is so toxic that it's not a word you want to put on yourself.

I think you should be able to refer to yourself in any way you want to. Personally I don't like referring to myself as childfree, because I've encountered way to many "childfree" people who seem to think children exist just to offend them.

I feel like that would be an accurate term to describe yourself, but I would rather just say “I don't want kids.”

I don't know all that much about the childfree community, but what I do hear tends to focus on hating kids.

I know plenty of reasonable childfree people, and if I can call myself a feminist and a Christian despite some of the vocal people that make me cringe then I could call myself this too. But it's just not something I think about enough for the label to come naturally to me. I can understand how other people end up thinking about it more when there are people pressuring them to have kids though.

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

elaminator - 2015-02-02 00:02 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

sarillia - 2015-02-02 00:28 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

elaminator - 2015-02-02 00:56 (UTC) - Expand

Enh. I feel like I can't really take the 'childfree' label because I'm a demographic that a lot of people feel SHOULDN'T have kids. Since coming out, I've NEVER been encouraged or pressured to have kids. (In fact, people probably want me NOT to breed.)

I can't really act like I'm being "child free" when there's pressure on me not to reproduce anyway. I couldn't afford kids even if I had them, and I doubt I have the sanity to raise a kid. Like, it works for me, but that's luck. It doesn't require any effort for me to stand up for my child-freeness, because most people want me to stay childless ANYWAY.

--Rogan

Yes, this is me too. It bugs me that the people who are discouraged from having the kids they want are ignored so much both in childfree discussions and discussions of prochoice attitudes which should also include the choice to have children. Didn't bother me here since it's not like people are trying to raise awareness or something, but I'm still always happy to see this acknowledged.

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

lb_lee - 2015-02-02 00:38 (UTC) - Expand

Man, the evil side of me sort of wants to tell you you should have kids just to spite them (but my childfree side would never actually tell anyone to have kids unless they want them).

But grr, it's so annoying that other people feel so entitled about telling others that they should or shouldn't have kids.

Edited 2015-02-02 02:33 (UTC)

Re: Childfree versus not wanting kids?

lb_lee - 2015-02-02 02:36 (UTC) - Expand

tbh I don't want to associate with child free so I just say 'don't want kids'.

Because they're expensive, I'm selfish etcetc etc and if like any of my cousins or immediate family dies I get custody so I don't want toooo many if that happens.

But I like kids. I'll baby sit and borrow them for weekends etc. just no intention for full time parenting.

I'm not sure I'd use childfree but then I don't feel like my not wanting kids needs a label, but other people might feel that they do and that's fine.

I have heard about how awful some of the childfree spaces can be online but sometimes I wonder how much of that is a genuine hatred of children and those that choose to have them. I know I've gotten some pretty over the top reactions from telling people I don't want kids irl before now and if someone got subjected to that constantly I can imagine that venting on an anonymous forum could be helpful.

That doesn't mean I condone the words used in those places, but I can understand how it might come about. And ofc some of those people might just genuinely hate kids and be giant dicks to parents so it's all a mixed bag really.

My understanding is that the term "childfree" was developed to avoid the term "childless" because the latter has sad, negative connotations and suggests someone who couldn't or so far hasn't been able to have kids. Since people who chose not to have kids and are happy about (or at least at peace with) that choice really don't want to be regarded as objects of pity, "childfree" was developed to mean "without children, by choice."

Of course, "childfree" has its own negative connotations, as many here have pointed out.

I lurked in the lj comm for a bit, and there were some people there who seemed reasonable and only ever ranted about truly egregious parental behavior, but many others were just awful. I don't want kids, but I really couldn't stand to hear mothers being called "cows" and spoken of with such disgust. With the exception of a statistically insignificant number of transmen who will get pregnant and give birth, pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood are things that happen only to women and as a woman and a feminist, how women are treated throughout that process is of concern to me. (That's not to say mothers are all infallible goddesses, but I don't want to see unwarranted nastiness towards them in general.)

If asked, I prefer to say "I'm not interested in having kids."

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