fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2977 ]

[ SECRET POST #2977 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2977 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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05.

[Paul Darrow]

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06.

[Dragon Age: Inquisition]

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(Bee and Puppycat)

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09.

[Joan Watson, Elementary]

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(Marvel's Agents of Shield)

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[One Piece]

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[Noah Emmerich, The Americans]

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14.

[Teen Wolf]

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15. [ WARNING for rape ]

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16. [ WARNING for dubcon? ]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #425.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I feel really...hurt? Uncomfortable? Awkward? over how hateful people are whenever "demisexual" comes up. Sure, you don't think its a sexuality, and maybe it's not, but a lot of the people who bash it don't really seem to understand it, either.

Because that bashing seems to come down to 1) "Lots of people wait until they know people to have sex with them; you're not special!!" and 2) "You're judging me for having sex when you say you're demi 'unlike those *~other~* people!'"

But it's not about choosing to have sex, it's about feeling sexual attraction. And it has nothing to do with you. But thanks for making me people feel like shit.

Point of fact, without making a value judgment or argument either way: my sense is that 98% of the dislike for demisexuals seems to come over the issue of whether or not they're queer.

That's true but people should really wait for someone who identifies as demisexual to claim that they're queer before they start yelling at them about how they're not. I agree that a hetero demisexual isn't queer, but not all the people who use the label act like they are.

IAWTP

This. I honestly don't know what it is about this one concept that is so brick-wallish. My best friend is demisexual (bi when the "sexual" part does happen, so no, not ~really straight~) so I've read about it, and I've never seen anyone legitimate say it's anything other than what you've said it is. But you can straight up say "It's about the capacity for sexual attraction and has nothing to do with whether you actually have sex or not" and people will still always come back at you with "OMG you're not special because you don't have sex with everyone you're sexually attracted to!!!!!"

Because it's not a separate sexuality. If you're a woman who's only sexually attracted to men you know well, you're a straight person who only feels attraction to people you know well. You don't have a different sexual orientation than a straight person who gets the hots for male strangers.

It's like everyone is stating their nationality and you come in and say you like warm weather. Not the same topic.

This.

It's a different category than the genders you're attracted to, but if people find the distinction meaningful to them then I'm not going to tell them to throw the label away. There are contexts where people bother me by bringing it up, but when it's just people saying "this is the way I experience attraction and I like having a concise term for it" when it's relevant and not claiming it makes them queer, I'm perfectly fine with it, and honestly, I don't think it's hurting anyone then so it doesn't even matter if I'm fine with it or not.

AYRT:

Yeah, I don't really get up in arms about what people call themselves but that is what bothers people. And the fact that when you start using this category of label to address something else, people start feeling like you're telling them what's their sexual attraction is like. Because, for example, they use straight and you use demisexual, now they have to explain how their sexual attraction works, which is not something that was already explained in using straight, despite what demis think.

I don't think it's hurting anyone

But it does. It implies that the average person is attracted to people/wants to have sex with people all the time without getting to know them first, which isn't true. It reeks of "I'm not like all those other people" because how often you experience sexual attraction and why has nothing to do with your sexual orientation and quite frankly is no one else's business but yours and the person you're dating/sleeping with.

That's not what demisexuality is lol.

da

then what is it? i've only heard described as needing to form an emotional connection before having sexual attraction.

Well, that right there IS what it is, but it has nothing to do with how other people are attracted to other people. This insult that you seem to be imagining is just that: imaginary.

how is it imaginary? it very clearly implies that the majority of people are just attracted to anyone and everyone and don't require any sort of emotional connection involved. people who do need that emotional connection don't need some sort special term to separate them from everyone else because guess what, they're normal too.

Where are you getting the "anyone and everyone" implication from? Lots of people are capable of being sexually attracted to some people (their "type" if you will) just from the way they look or seem to be, without really knowing them. Demisexuality means you can't experience that kind of attraction. It's not even a question of which is more normal than the other -- saying you're demisexual isn't supposed to be an implication that you think you're ~different~. It's just a descriptor.

So then why the need for a descriptor for one thing but not the other if not to separate yourself from the other group?

Because one is considered the default and has no established descriptor?

Considered the default by whom, exactly?

Re: confessions

(Anonymous) - 2015-02-28 08:51 (UTC) - Expand

To use your words, heterosexuality also reeks of not being like those other people who sleep with same-sex partners. Homosexuality reeks of not being like other people who sleep with opposite-sex people.

And it's that perceived slight against other people that's imaginary. it's this implication that other people want to sleep with everything that moves that's imaginary.

Feeling attraction for someone and actually wanting to have sex with them are two different things though.

I get your frustration. The thing that gets to me is when people explain asexuality in a way that makes it sound like "sexual" people go around wanting to jump everyone all the time.

But that's part of the same problem of acting like being attracted to someone, or even just having the potential to be attracted to a certain group of people, is the same as actively wanting to have sex with them. That leads to people acting like gay people can't be around people of the same sex because they want to sleep with every one of them and acting like bisexuals are literally attracted to everyone and that asexuals are people who just don't want to have sex rather than people who don't experience sexual attraction at all but may or may not have sex for whatever other reason.

Saying that some people don't experience sexual attraction until they get to know a person isn't saying that the people who do experience sexual attraction for people regardless of how well they know them actually want to have sex with all those people.

No, it's more like everybody is stating their nationality, and you say you have dual citizenship.

That sounds more like bisexuality, tbh.

So it's not a perfect analogy.

Only if you thi k bisexuality isn't its own nation.

I guess the reason I was so put off by it for a while is because the first people I knew who were using the term were constantly talking about all the hot guys they wanted to fuck. And I was like, "but wait, doesn't that kinda go against the sexuality you say you have?" And they were like, "well no, because I won't have sex with someone until I've been dating them for a while," which made me think, "okay, these people think they have a separate orientation just because they wait to have sex? Wtf? That doesn't make sense."

Now that I know people who literally don't feel sexual attraction before having an emotional connection, it DOES sense. But I think maybe the problem might be that there are people using the term completely wrong.

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