fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3006 ]

[ SECRET POST #3006 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3006 ⌋

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Notes:

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I really hate it when people tell depressed people to "Hold on, it gets better." because I feel like they're giving them false hope, or at least, being much too optimistic.

I live alone -- I have no friends, no SO/never had an SO, and my family is hundreds of miles away. If I killed myself, only 6 people would care. And it would impact the day to day life of exactly no one. If I killed myself Friday night, my family would probably get suspicious the next Friday when I didn't call, but it would take WEEKS for anyone to really start to worry.

And I've read over and over about how you have to hold on and it gets better but...it doesn't always.

I look at my uncle and his life NEVER got better. He's never dated, he lives in the same run down apartment, never spends any of his money, and just works and works and works. He has no friends as far as I can tell.

The reason he hasn't killed himself is because he's very religious.

For me, it's because I don't want to hurt my parents, siblings and grandparents.

But when people say "it gets better" I just look at my uncle and think that they're lying to me.

Also, I think it's horrible when people say suicide isn't selfish. Of course it's fucking selfish. Knowing that is basically the whole reason I stick around. Because I don't want to ruin 6 lives just because I can't suck it up and work it out.

It gets better if you try. You can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. It gets better because you make it get better.

I know.

I just have no energy to try. I wake up every morning and go to work and already that feels fucking draining. I know what I need to do -- I need suck it up and get my work done on time, go out and try to make friends, not ruminate on my problems, take up a hobby, get some sun. But just getting through the day counts as a success nowadays.

That's some top tier depression, OP. It might be time to ditch the stigma and go talk to someone about medication.

Eh, I'm probably exaggerating.

I just make things worse by stressing out over projects and deadlines and doing them at the last minute instead of working on them long-term (like I should be).

Half my problem (at least) is that I don't self-discipline enough and get things done on time anymore. I used to be really good about it but I've gotten lazy.

Re: Confession thread

herpymcderp - 2015-03-28 21:39 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Confession thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-03-28 21:43 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Confession thread

insanenoodlyguy - 2015-03-29 05:51 (UTC) - Expand

I finally sucked it up and did. Now I'm dealing with the shock of realizing that I've always thought of seeing a doctor as an out when it got too hard only to realize when I finally took the out the medication doesn't make me feel any better.

I was there, quite recently. Two acronyms have turned things around for me entirely. DBT, and CPAP. The latter one's a little more specific to me; turns out when you haven't had a sound night's sleep in years, it exacerbates depression pretty badly. But DBT is a really good, comprehensive, evidence-based, results-oriented program, and you should see if you can get access to it.

This, mostly. Sometimes things get better by virtue of time making a painful memory seem trivial. Sometimes things get better by virtue of the people who were making your life hell moving away or succumbing to karmic retribution or whatever happens in life.

A lot of the time if you want things to actively improve and you want benefits like relationships...those things don't just fall into your lap. You need to go out and find them.

DA. This is true but also... not true. There are some things in life you can't just TRY your way out of. Sometimes life just SUCKS. Sometimes no matter what you do, you just didn't get a fair chance.

Not that I think that people should just give up, but I kind of hate when people think everyone's problems in life come down to just not trying hard enough. This can go for depression as well, some people with depression have it worse off then others, some have tried, and try every day, and things still suck.

This is a very good point!

Try saying 'it gets better' to someone who's grandpa's just died or who's been diagnosed with a terminal illness. You can't really try your way out of that one.

(na)

Not always.

I have tried for years and I have a list of how trying has only made things worse, not better.

Things don't always "get better" not matter what you do and I get why people don't like saying that, but it's still true.

I hate that too. That, "It gets better" campaign? Oh, no. No. No. Because sometimes it doesn't get better. Sometimes it gets worse. I mean, the guy who started that who thing ended up committing suicide. He is the very proof of that.

You should still hope and strive for something better. Not give up. But realize that it may get worse. I think that way you can brace yourself if you do fall. And it will help you recover.

It was started because of someone's suicide (Billy Lucas) but I'm pretty sure Dan Savage (the founder) is alive...

Yeah, I wasn't wild about that campaign too. I get what is was trying to do, and I respect that, but it always rubbed me the wrong way. 'It gets better once you graduate high school and meet people who accept you, and you will be popular and successful'. Right, because that always happens.

Yeah, he seemed to be assuming that after high school, everyone will go away to a very liberal and accepting college and will be living away from their family... that's not how it is for everyone.

Not to mention Dan Savage has expressed some pretty dodgy opinions in the past.

Apparently it gets better - unless you're bi, then you can DIAF!

/not bitter

He's apologized for that repeatedly. People sometimes learn and grow. Sorry you apparently don't.

Re: Confession thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-03-29 10:23 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Confession thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-03-29 15:40 (UTC) - Expand

I really hate the "it gets better" type of reaction to depression myself, I think I'm too much of a cynical realist and often those types of speeches end up feeling either condescending or just not realistic for everyone.

Sometimes hearing "it gets better" actually makes my depression WORSE because I don't see how it can. I try, I try every day, I get myself out of bed every day, but my life has never been "better." I have days that are okay and days that are bad, but the bad is always there and I've found getting older is just... not fun.

I am not even in one of my darkest moods right now, I am doing okay, but I still think I'm going to kill myself one day. I just don't see the point in life.

Sometimes hearing "it gets better" actually makes my depression WORSE because I don't see how it can
That's how I felt when I was going through a severe depressive episode, and people would tell me things would get better.

Agreed, OP.

As someone who is both suicidal, and bi or some variant of gay, I hate that campaign. It's awful.

OP, the thing is, though - you're not your uncle. You don't HAVE to be your uncle.

(eg. I'm very similar in temperament to my grandmother, who is so anxious she lives all alone in her little house. My mother directly compares me to her. But I don't want to be her. So I choose to do stuff sometimes that stretches my boundaries. I'm slowly trying to be more social and one day I would love to be in a relationship, when I can work up the guts.)

You don't have to be him.

Fate isn't set in stone, OP. No, it may not necessarily "get better." And it's really fucking trite when people act like mental illness is something that can be cured. My parents and people around me expect to wake up one day and be normal again.

Honestly? It's never going to go away, not really, BUT THAT IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE. It's more like... you have bad days, but those bad days aren't eternal. There are good times, too, and those are the things you hang around for, because they are so worth it. It's more like you're managing it, day by day, and yeah, it may not go away, but you become stronger.

You're like a warrior fighting a dragon. Every battle you become more and more of a seasoned fighter. You learn new tricks, you get new armor and weapons. Dragons will always exist, but they can be fought.

And at this point the dragon is sort of a part of me, in a weird kind of way. I know that doing everday little things can sometimes be a battle- and that makes me brave. It makes YOU brave, OP.

I feel like it may not "get better" for everyone, but if you're still here and holding on, eventually you become okay with not being other people's ideas of "better" and learn that it's relative.

This is me. My life sucks. I don't see my life ever getting better. I hate my job, I hate where/how I live, I hate my body, I hate being alone (but don't see me every not being alone), I hate the struggle of living day to day / paycheck to paycheck but don't see any way to change that, etc., etc., etc. I don't know that I can see myself doing this forever, and I really think that one of these days I'll just give up and kill myself. If I did it on a Friday, no one would notice until I didn't show up to work Monday, and even then it would take awhile for anyone to find me. I'll likely wait until my mother has died, though, as I don't want to have to put her through that.

Anon, I'm sorry your life sucks right now. I'm not going to tell you that it doesn't suck - because there's nothing worse than a soul-sucking job - and I'm not even going to tell you not to do it, because whatever you do is your choice.

But I wouldn't be so sure that no one will notice. I think a lot of people will notice if you go away. People that aren't just your mother. Maybe you're not aware of it, but they're there. We leave an impact when we go through life.

I agree that it's incorrect to say that it gets better, for just that reason.

But I do think it's (usually) true to say that it can get better. And that's an important distinction.

Has your uncle told you that his life isn't worth living? If not, maybe you don't know the whole story. Maybe he doesn't date or socialize because he doesn't find those things pleasant and likes the company of books or tv shows instead.

Somebody looking at my life would probably see my tiny condo and old-but-not-classic car and think my life sucked, but I'm the happiest I've ever been because I spend my money on things I actually enjoy instead of trying to fit somebody else's definition of what an ideal life is.

There must be something on earth that you like. Find it and do it.

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