fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3011 ]

[ SECRET POST #3011 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3011 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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(Transformers: War for Cybertron)

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[iZombie]

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[Amazingphil]

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[How to get away with murder/Scandal]

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[Russell Brand]

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[Hand of Fate]

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[Homestuck, The Nostalgia Critic, Channel Awesome]

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(An American Tail)

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[Mark Steel]

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[Once Upon a Time]

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[X-Files, The Lone Gunmen]

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[Divergent series]

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[One Piece]

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[Criminal Minds: Derek Morgan]

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[Bad Suns: Salt music video]

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[Accuracy of Death/Sweet Rain/Shinigami no seido]

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[Steven Universe]

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[One Piece]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 023 secrets from Secret Submission Post #430.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A terrible movie, but unhappily close to home.

BF is 29, I am 28.

Have been with him since I was 17.

I have since moved out with of my parent house, and now live with a friend. I would really really like to live with the boyfriend but he still lives with his parents. He has no intention of moving out. I know this because I am constantly talking to him about it. Every time I do he responds with something like "I'm sorry, I just really really don't want to move out until I have to." He keeps saying he's happy and safe and comfortable living in his parents house, and I do get it, his food is all cooked for him, his laundry is all taken care of, and his limited money goes much further than it would if he moved out, so I do understand the appeal, but at the same time I want him to move in with me so we can start, you know, being grown-ups together.

Don't really know what I can do about this. Is this a problem? will he grow out of this? It seems like there's nothing that will dislodge him. Is this just something I have to live with?

i mean worst case scenario, he moves when his parents die

If it's a problem or not really comes down to how you feel about it. I think I personally would have problem with it. For me it's an independence thing and I think people should leave the nest at some point. I get why people live at home because they can't afford to move out, but the people I know who do does it to save up to get their own place.

Your BF sounds like he's being coddled at home, with not doing laundry and cooking (Does he clean or pay rent/do chores?). As long as he's living in that safe, comfortable sphere, I don't think he would change his opinion about it.

Perhaps it's time to think just how important this is to you. Like anon above says, worst case scenario he'll have to move when his parents die, but are you willing to wait that long?

Don't really know what I can do about this

Yes you do. Men like this will crush your soul if you let them. Leave the adult baby and find a decent man.

It's harsh but this is also my recommendation. Men who "help around their parents house"or "pay a little rent" as a way of paying their way will often then assume all they have to do in a live in situation is "help around the house", instead of taking full responsibility like an adult should. I take it your beu is even doing that? This attitude bleeds into other areas of responsibility, too. If he does move out, you'll be dealing with someone whose life experience is that of an 18 year old and not someone nearly 30. Even if he's trying really hard, you'll still be dating someone much more immature than you.

If he won't step up and take adult responsibility now, how much do you think he'd do so even if he moved out tomorrow?

IA with the above anon in that it's a problem if you see it as a problem. If you feel like your relationship can't progress in the way you want with him still living at home (since you want to move in with him you're obviously ready for a change, and he isn't) and aren't willing to wait (I understand trying to wait on him too, but say he decides to keep living there for the foreseeable future, it seems like that would make you unhappy and might seriously damage your relationship), then this might be a deal-breaker.

The only thing I know to suggest is just talking it out with him, but it sounds like you've already tried that. If you want to move in together (or maybe even get married) at some point then this probably needs to be addressed.

I understand why someone would have reasons to live with their parents in their late twenties what with the economical climate and everything but then you got to the part when his parents do pretty much all the cooking, cleaning, etc for him and...yeah, are you sure that you'd want to live with someone like that? Even when I was in high school, I did my own laundry and cooked dinner for the family on some nights. He might expect you to do that stuff for him if you guys live together because he's so used to his parents doing it (or maybe not. I could be misinterpreting him since we only have this brief glance into his character)

Living with your parents/family doesn't inherently mean you're not a grown up.

That said, if it's something that's a problem for you, then it's a valid problem. Have you tried telling him that, for you, this is an actual issue instead of a "I'd really like it if you would..."? If not, would you consider laying your cards out on the table bluntly, and seeing what happens after that?

Or, if you're not willing to do that [out of frustration with the situation or anything else], remember that anything that you see as a problem is a valid reason to leave someone, even if you've been together for a long time.

honestly, it sounds like living with someone like that would be really annoying

if he has all his food cooked for him and laundry done for him, he'll probably be expecting somebody to take care of it for him when he moves out

i would have zero patience playing at stay-at-home mother for some guy when he's an adult who's perfectly capable of learning how to cook his own meals and iron his shirts. like, damn, that's some basic survival shit.

i know that sounds harsh, but it's just my opinion. others might have more patience than me.

+1

In my experience roommates who have had their parents do all their cooking, laundry, cleaning etc. are always the ones who are the worst to live with because they don't know how to clean and always expect someone else to do it for them. Don't see how this guy would be any different.

+2 and it's first year of moving out that is the worst, where you crash and burn because basic caring for yourself and a house can be so hard.

I think you probably need to talk to him. Not tell him his life choices are wrong and he's going nowhere, because that's just going to make him defensive, but actually ask him where he sees himself in 5 years, or in 10 years.

If you both want very different things, isn't it better to know now?
It's not your job to "dislodge" him if he doesn't want what you want. It won't make either of you happy if there's no good compromise. Either he changes his whole life for you or you give up the future you want for him. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Idk. Feel free to ignore me. I usually give advice that nobody wants to hear. It's my gift.

I really hate people who jump straight to "dump them!" when someone mentions having relationship problems.

That said: your bf has declared he has no intention of moving out. Believe him. Are you really willing to live with that indefinitely?

You asked, will he grow out of it? No, he won't. In all probability, this situation will remain unchanged for years - decades, even. He's made it clear that he isn't interested in what you want. Probably the only thing that would get him to move would be if his parents threw him out. (I know a lot of people like that - see below for just one extreme example).

So what do you want more, someone who you can be together with and have the sort of proper grown-up life you clearly want, or this guy? Evidently you can't have both.

Also note that he's been so well spoiled at home, even if you somehow got him to move in with you, it's unlikely he'd pull his weight in terms of all the responsibilities of adulthood. Even if he were theoretically willing, chances are that once he finds out how much work is involved in being grown-up, he'd shuck most of the responsibilities off on to you. (And since he is in no way willing, if you forced him into moving by issuing an ultimatum, all the more likely he'd think it's "only fair" that you do all the work, since this is what YOU wanted.)

You and he do not want the same things out of life. It is not something you just have to live with, though, if the current situation is making you sufficiently unhappy. He doesn't have to do something "bad" for you to break up with him. Make yourself available to find someone you're actually compatible with in the long-term.

Tl;dr: "dump them".

Boring anecdote time...
I have a cousin (female FWIW, men are not the only ones to pull this shit) who is in her FIFTIES and still lives with her parents because she refuses to give up all the home comforts. (She moved out once, a couple of decades back; that lasted six months. When her rent was up, she moved right back home and hasn't refused to even consider budging again since.) She's lost boyfriends over it. She doesn't care. Literally the only thing that will change the dynamic is when her parents are too old to look after her any more, which I guess will happen some time in the next few years. Even now, with her parents in their late 70s/early 80s, she barely lifts a finger around the house, and thinks she's "doing her share" by doing the occasional chore.

Well, I kind of suspected that the response would be 'dump him' because that's all fandom secrets ever says on the subject of any relationship ever. But it's not that easy to throw away an eleven? Twelve? year relationship. Especially if it's already survived rocky times.

But... are you both happy? If you are, then great. You don't have to do things just because society designates that it's the proper time. If not, then you have to deal with it in a way that works for you both.

he's not going to change until forced. think about what a cushy life he's got, would you want to upset that and change? necessity is the mother of invention, so long as there's no necessity for him to leave, he's going to stay at his parents' place and rot. the only question you have is whether you want to stay with a boyfriend who doesn't have initiative, drive, or a desire for independence and self-reliance.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3011 ]

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