fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3068 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3068 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy]

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02.

[Wild Kratts]

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03.

[Harry Potter/Fleur Delacour]

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04.

[Jennifer Barkley from Parks&Recreation]

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05.

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06.

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07.

[Handa-kun]

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08. [SPOILERS for Game of Thrones]

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09. [WARNING for child molestation]

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10. [WARNING for mental illness/suicide]

[It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini]

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11. [WARNING for rape]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #438.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have a friend from college who I was very close with and, because of all manner of complicated BS, lost meaningful contact with. Basically the only way we're still friends is through facebook. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but her FB etiquette is nonexistent. She posts on my wall and comments on my photos constantly--regardless of whether or not she was anything to say--with, at best, childish reaction images, and far more often, explicit language, cringe-worthy attempts to work random old inside jokes into a comment on a picture of me with, say, my mom, or really overtly sexual stuff. I'm friends with some teachers and family on FB, and employers/people I babysit for. My town is tiny, and people have legit asked me and my mom who this girl is. Before I was out to my family, she posted explicitly lesbian-centric content, or comments that made it clear I was gay, on my wall all the time, and I always had to delete and pray nobody saw.

Anyways, the obvious answer is "talk to her about it"--I have, multiple times, as gently and politely as I possibly can, and she's clearly getting annoyed with me always deleting comments or posts or asking her to edit or delete them. She's got, like, sensitivity to criticism/abandonment issues and I don't want to play into them, but she recently commented on a photo of me and a friend--liked by and visible both of our families, the people I babysit for, and several teachers for both of us--with a photo of some dude from an anime (?) that said "the time has come, and so have I." Like, DUDE.

Anyways I know the obvious answers here--talk to her more sternly, unfriend, etc., but I'm wondering if anybody has any tips on the talking part before I get to the unfriending part? I'd hate to cause the hurt and drama unfriending her would definitely bring about.

I'd advise you to talk to her about it only if you hadn't already tried that. However, you have, and it hasn't worked. There's no magical words to make your friend not act like a douche. Either you step up the deleting, or gentle public reprimands ("Dude, my grandma can see this comment" or "Come on man, this isn't tumblr."

But what I don't understand is why you haven't started filtering your posts? You do know you can create lists on Facebook and then filter every post you make so only people on those lists can see it, right? You can also exclude people. From now on, try posting stuff excluding your friend. Or if you're feeling kind, post stuff that only she can see, so that your family, co-workers, etc. won't see her stupid comments.

But honestly, I'd just unfriend her. You two don't really have a friendship if this is all you have, and nothing you've described here sounds like a relationship worth holding on to. If she throws a tantrum, don't shy away from telling her why you had to do it. Tell her you've talked with her before about not leaving inappropriate comments and she hasn't listened so this is your only option. Letting douchebags remain in your life causing trouble because you're afraid of "drama" is dumb. You already have drama of her making.

If you haven't, be blunt. Now is the time for that. Tell her honestly that people have been asking questions, that it makes a very bad impression, that it's unprofessional and could have negative repercussions for you professionally, etc.

If she pitches a fit, then maybe she's not worth keeping in contact with. And if she says she'll do better, but doesn't, then stick to your guns and unfriend her, or unfilter her from everything (I've never done it but other anon's suggestion is a good one if you can get it to work).

I don't know what the situation with your friends and family is, but it sounds like it may cause less drama to unfriend than to allow the embarrassing and inappropriate remarks to continue.

Set a clear boundary. Either no inappropriate stuff at all or only over private messaging, or she gets deleted. Tell her you have current and potentially future employers and family members on your facebook and you need to be careful about what they can see, and you'll have to delete anyone who posts things like that publicly.

I've had the same talk with a few friends. Deleted one who continued to tag me in really weird things who didn't seem to be able to identify appropriate vs. inappropriate things.

[ SECRET POST #3068 ]

need advice...:/

Re: need advice...:/

Re: need advice...:/

Re: need advice...:/