fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3075 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3075 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Spy]

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[Eurovision]

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[Captain America]

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14. [SPOILERS for Steven Universe]

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15. [SPOILERS for Age of Ultron]

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16. [SPOILERS for Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and DragonFable]

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17. [WARNING for sexual abuse]

(Duggar Family, 19 kids & Counting)

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18. [WARNING for incest]

[A Redtail's Dream]

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19. [WARNING for rape]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #439.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm in a weird position. I knew I was bisexual in my late teens and kind of came to terms with it over the course of undergrad. I figured I'd start dating girls as soon as I got to grad school. I then... got into grad school. In my hometown. Where my family is.

I figured I'd start dating guys first! I'm bi, and I just wanted to get out there. Guys are less scary. So I ended up falling for a guy. Now here's the thing. A lot of people don't believe bisexuals exist. They figure it's either code for slut (which I'm not) or gay (which I don't think fits). I figured if I told people out in the real world that I was bi, they'd think The Guy was a beard. That and I was terrified. See, my own Mom is one of the ones saying bisexuals don't exist. That and I figured every LGBT person on campus, including several of my professors, would think I'm a massive poser, telling people I'm bi while I have a boyfriend.

So I didn't say anything. I figured this didn't matter. Why do people need to know my orientation if I'm not trying to cheat? I'm with this guy. I'm going to stay with this guy.

Oh the irony.

So now here I am, 29, and I want to date women. Only nobody locally in the real world knows I'm not straight, and I have no fucking idea how to tell them. I spent most of graduate school with The Guy, actively hiding what exactly I am partly for the sake of a relationship that I now have nothing to show for. All those single graduate students I was meeting are now hooked up and increasingly having kids. If I tell people, they're going to hear "lesbian" and figure everything that happened with The Guy must be my fault for being dysfunctional. That'd be horrible. And on top of that... they're all in relationships and increasingly have kids. I really don't have many people to even hang out with anymore, so what even is the point?

Who even wants to date someone with very little experience with your gender who is almost fucking 30? Nobody's got time for that.

And how do I tell my parents I'm not straight at nearly 30 without them thinking I'm making some big deal out of things? Or that, again, what happened with The Guy isn't all my fault on account of being a closeted lesbian? And I can't just start dating people because it's pretty clear that either my parents or someone who'd tell my parents would find out. I am not good at hiding shit even if I try.

If I'd done this years ago, I'd be fine. Now I'm pretty much stuck. I'm seriously considering just not dating until I move for work.

Edited 2015-06-06 01:16 (UTC)

:(

Um, first of all, that sucks, and I'm sorry.

Second, obviously I don't know you that well, but solely from my experience on the Internet, you're a fucking rad-ass person, so you do have that going for you vis-a-vis dating.

Third... I have to say, it kind of sounds like most of your problems here are of the "what will people think" variety. And at some point, I think the only answer is to decide how much you actually care about that. Because, yeah, maybe people will think all this weird shit about you - I don't think it's likely, especially if you explain it like this, but maybe they will. But I guess the question is, would you rather be in a relationship with some nice girl, and have people think that, what, you had a dysfunctional relationship - or would you rather be where you are now? That's mostly how it seems to me, anyway.

Um. I hope that's not unwelcome. And I really hope you figure things out. FWIW I definitely know where you're coming from and can sympathize very hard from my own situation, so you're not alone either.

It's weird. I don't give a damn what randos think, but I do care very much what people I care about think. I'm worried about my parents being grossed out--I know they'd never disown me--but I don't want to damage the relationship just so I feel slightly better when they aren't around.

Having them or friends be "oh that poor mistreated guy" about The Guy would kill me. My mom goes on about how people who come out or transition after having being in straight relationships are selfish, and having her think that about me--about this past relationship--would be a fucking huge slap in the face. I kept quiet for that relationship.

It's not unwelcome! Thanks actually. I hope your situation gets better too.

Edited 2015-06-06 01:39 (UTC)

I think you should tell them exactly that and also tell them how it makes you feel when they say that shitty stuff.

On it's face this is good advice, but I'm not sure I live in a world where "just tell them how it makes you feel" actually works. The response is generally "you shouldn't feel that way then" and sometimes "you think you're smarter than us."

I'm in the same position you are. Well, mostly. Except I realized I was bi in college, but didn't do anything about it, and now I'm almost 40. And while I want to be with a girl, I'm thinking it is too late. Especially as I live in the same city as my sister and mother. And they don't know about me being bi. It sucks, and I empathize with you so much.

I want to basically reiterate what the first person who replied to this said. I only know you through lurking here, but I think you're pretty great and one of my favourite posters here. As for your issue, I think this might be one of those situations where you just have to grit your teeth and do it. Because doing something that's super scary and hard now is SO much better than still being closeted and unhappy in 10, 20, 50 years.

You could start off small - you don't have to announce it from rooftops. Tell a few close friends, or even just one. Or even just an acquaintance who would be sympathetic. Join a local queer group when you're ready (whether it's on campus, or through meetup.com or whatever) - and introduce yourself as bi there. Things will probably seem a lot less daunting once you have a group of people you know who've only known you as bi and have no problems with it.

As for your parents - it's sucky that your mum is like that. And you might have to face the possibility that she's always going to be like that, your parents will always be like that, and will react in the worst possible way. Accepting that and bracing yourself for it emotionally is going to help a lot. But at the same time, its funny how fickle people are - have you considered the possibility that your mum has lots of homophobic, deeply ingrained opinions about other gay/bisexual people, but that when it comes to her own flesh and blood - when it comes to a human being she actually knows and loves - that she might suddenly find an exception to the rule? People are funny and hypocritical like that. (Also, when you do talk to your mum, don't let her try to spin it like you've suddenly 'realised'. Tell her that you've known for years and that The Guy knew too, and it was fine.)

Also it might be helpful to look up stories of other people coming out who were worried about how their friends/family would react. It's always reassuring to know that you are not the only person to have gone through this.

You could just wait till you move for work. Only you know how much of an excuse that is, and how likely it is you'll find another excuse when you move. But if you get into a long term relationship with a woman you'll eventually have to have this conversation anyway. And the longer you wait the harder it's going to seem.

Whatever you decide, good luck with it!

[ SECRET POST #3075 ]

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