[ SECRET POST #3086 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3086 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Bit early, sorry!

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #441.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

The guy I started seeing recently and I had a pretty in-depth conversation a couple days ago about what we're into sexually. I'm pretty embarrassed about my side of things but I didn't think he'd tell anyone so I didn't really think much of it. Then today in conversation he casually mentions that he told his cousin what I'd told him. Wait...WHAT?! Yes, he told his cousin very personal things about my sexuality that I expected were said in confidence. This is a female cousin that he's unusually close with and multiple people have mistaken for his girlfriend. Their relationship is...strange to say the least, and I honestly think if he hasn't had sex with her at some point, he definitely wants to.

I mean, I didn't specifically say "don't tell anybody" but I feel like I shouldn't have had to. I don't think it's too much to ask that when someone you're dating tells you very personal, sexual things, you shouldn't run out and blab to your cousin who everyone thinks you secretly want to bang.

I said "you told [cousin's name]? really?" kind of sarcastically and I think he knew I was bothered but I dropped it after that, and changed the subject so I didn't make some huge thing of it, but...I just don't know how to react. Am I the wrong one here to be bothered by the whole thing?

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

"A secret is best kept by one person."

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

If they are really close, he was probably just bouncing ideas off her. Or getting her advice/perspective.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

Not only is that still pretty weird, but you don't share sexual details about your girlfriend with your cousin without the girlfriend's permission.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[philstar22]

You are not wrong to be upset. I would be. That's not okay. That topic should be clearly off limits to tell anyone else about anyone but yourself.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

How confidential was the discussion? Was it specifically stated that it was confidential? Would he have any issues with you talking to a relative about any of his things?

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

Leave him. Violently if necessary.

This is what we call a red flag. He does not respect you if he shares your secrets.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

Violently if necessary

lol what does this even mean though? like, she should throw a rock at his head with a Dear John letter tied to it?

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

Dial it back a little, drama llama, geez. I'm all for DTMA when necessary, but this is a fairly minor screw up if that's all that happened so far. You don't know if he's an asshole who violates peoples' boundaries or a clueless doofball and if the OP wants to find out which he is, OP will need to establish her boundaries and then see how he conducts himself in the future. If he apologizes and respects her privacy, then it's fine.

"Violently if necessary"... LOL! Considering switching to decaf, anon.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

I agree, I think op should cut on him a little. Maybe carve 'youre dumped' into his chest. Of cousre I'm not going to pretend this some political statement. I just like the idea of hurting and scaring dudes.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

No, you're not wrong. It's time for you and this guy to have a conversation about privacy and boundaries. Not an intense, yelling conversation, but you owe it to each other to lay out what are obviously very different expectations for each other. Avoiding the topic won't really help, it assumes this guy is savvy enough to figure out he's crossed a boundary and savvy enough not to cross any future boundaries... but frankly, if he were that sensitive, he probably wouldn't have blabbed this to his cousin in the first place.

Be honest with him that this isn't okay, and you expect things like this to be in confidence between the two of you unless you state otherwise. Then be alert to see how he handles it.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

This.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[elaminator]

+1.

I don't have much to add, just that OP isn't wrong or weird for being upset and I agree that they need to discuss this with him ASAP. You need to straighten things out, and he needs to respect your privacy. (And personal wishes.)

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

This is damned good advice.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[diet_poison]

Yup. Good comment is good.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[leisuretime]

You're not at all wrong to be upset, but you are wrong to think it's sufficient to think he got the message after one question. You need to have a conversation that includes your expectations on privacy.

Also, this thing about the cousin you think he wants to bang feels like sour grapes. Like you're mad at something he did, so now you're looking for things to paint him in a bad light. And that's...understandable from a psychology standpoint, but not very cool.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

This. If OP needs to clearly define her boundaries. If you make your boyfriend guess and punish him when he's wrong, that's a bit messed up but it's also a recipe for failure. Use your words. If you're adult enough to be in a relationship, you're adult enough to talk to one another.

Whether or not he wants to bang the cousin is a separate issue, and OP needs to make sure she isn't letting her jealousy cloud her judgment and perceptions.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

OP

Also, this thing about the cousin you think he wants to bang feels like sour grapes. Like you're mad at something he did, so now you're looking for things to paint him in a bad light. And that's...understandable from a psychology standpoint, but not very cool.

I can definitely see how it could come across that way, but I really do feel like there's some truth to it. When I first met him, she was there, and I thought they were a couple (he was kind of on the periphery of my group of friends for awhile before we started dating, and had brought her to a party). Other friends are constantly making comments about their relationship, so it's definitely not just me who sees it that way. I probably was being a little bitter, though.

Either way, it no longer matters. I'm sure it'll be awkward if he still hangs around my friends but I feel like it's definitely for the best.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[herpymcderp]

Nope. That's a huge breach of trust.

I'd can his ass if he did something like that to me.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I would be pretty pissed, too.

1) that's a breach of trust and privacy
2) that's fucking rude, what the hell!

Also, I'm gonna be blunt: I am seriously questioning how long this relationship is going to last if you're already suspicious about him and his cousin. That shows that you already don't trust him. Regardless of whether or not he's sleeping with his cousin, that distrust isn't going to go away. I give you a year, tops.

Just dump him and save yourself the pain. Like ripping off a bandaid.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

So, I just got off the phone with him. I told him how I felt, that it bothered me that he told her because I'd felt like that was a private conversation between the two of us. He seemed to understand, said he hadn't really thought of it like that but he got what I meant now, and apologized.

I thought that was a good sign and we started talking about other things. Which led to him telling me that another of his cousins is having a baby. That's exciting, I say, I know she's wanted one for awhile. No, he tells me, it's not a good thing, because she's a lesbian, and gay people should be banned from having kids so the gay gene will die out. He's never once said anything negative about her, or gay people in general, so this seemed to come out of nowhere.

I swear I didn't know he was a nutjob.

Needless to say advice on the situation is no longer needed but thank you to everyone who took the time to read and repsond!

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[belladonna_took]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. He sounds like a bit of a jerk if it didn't even occur to him that it was a private conversation.

However, the cousin thing? My cousin and I get asked if/how long we've been dating every damn time we're seen together in public. His friends make some really awkward jokes about it, too. Like "if my cousin looked like that, I'd be into incest" or "it's okay, everyone does stuff with their cousins when they're little". :/ ick.
Yes we love each other. No it's not sexual or romantic. Never has been. Never will be.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[caerbannog]

You're not wrong. I'd be pretty pissed at that lack of respect and wouldn't trust them as much.

Re: Am I wrong to be upset about this?

[(Anonymous)]

No. Guys like that are no good. Drop him. Trust me and my horrible experiences with horrible guys.