[ SECRET POST #3125 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3125 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 066 secrets from Secret Submission Post #447.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Trying to make this as short as possible.

Sister has a BF. The BF is (in her words) lazy, irresponsible, has no motivation. But he also has good qualities (funny, friendly) . he also moved halfway across the country to live with her.

She has been talking to me a lot about how she can see a life with him. He is addicted to pills and if he has access to them he will take abuse them. As long as there are none he is okay. She asked him once what he would do if they had kids who needed meds (if he would steal them) and he told her she'd have to put them up.

She keeps asking for my advice but I don't want to let me personal dislike for him to color my advice. I think he is a lazy asshole who keeps her from doing stuff she wants to do (some may remember me asking about whether it is weird for her to go with a male friend to a MUST-SEE football game. BF said he was uncomfortable so she didn't go, twice).

Also, I am afraid she will get super depressed if she is alone (and start drinking heavily again). then again, she is pretty depressed with him.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Listen, ask questions, and don't offer your opinion unless explicitly asked. If you go too hard with your opinion (which, tbf, sounds very valid), it'll be harder for her to come to you if she needs help or advice.

I'm sure Carolyn Hax has covered this at some point, so definitely check her archives.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Most of the time, when someone hears a lot of negative critique about their partner, they shoot the messenger, even if the messenger is absolutely correct. Deep down, they know the deadbeat partner is a non-starter, but hearing their worst fears voiced aloud often results in angry, defensive reactions. You know your sister better than we do. Is this likely to happen?

She might be thinking that eventually he'll change or grow up... somehow. This doesn't sound very likely, especially if HE has no awareness of his issues or a plan to change. I'd ask questions about what SHE thinks of his drug problem, or how his actions make HER feel, then explore why. I'd stick to addressing his behavior and actions and how they impact her negatively, without making personal remarks about him, specifically.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Before when she has talked about him I usually just tell her that she needs to think about what she wants to o with her life and such.

She has told me several times that she doesn't think he'll ever change and that she hates the idea of having to be his babysitter for the rest of her life (with pills and such). I'm not sure exactly what is making her stay with im. I think maybe she dislikes being alone.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Well, the issues I'd try to tackle with your sister is:

1) What does she think is a problem in their relationship (BF's drug addiction, controlling tendencies, lack of motivation, etc.)
2) Does her BF agree with her about what the problems are
3) Does HE have a plan to deal with those problems, i.e. getting counseling or rehab for his addiction, working on his jealousy, etc.
4) How does she think those problems will affect any potential children they have, if they are not addressed


Ask her how she will feel five years from now, or ten years from now assuming he doesn't change at all. Can she picture how those years will go? Will she feel like she's wasted her life? People tend to convince themselves to stay in shitty relationships because they harbor illusions about how it will magically improve someday. Those chances are very slim. When the person with issues doesn't think they have issues that need addressing, the odds drop to zero.

Ask her why she's staying with him. Don't do it angrily or accusingly, just ask like you're curious and want to know what she sees in him and what she's getting out of the relationship. Listen hard to what she says.

I get that you don't want to overwhelm her with your dislike of the BF, but right now you're actually erring on the side of being TOO vague and uncritical. It's okay to let her know that you believe she deserves better and that you want her to be happy, but that you don't see that happening with this BF.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for this advice. It is very clear and helpful.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Addiction is a terrible thing to go through.

But it's not a license to fuck someone else in the ass.

I find it appalling he would have no problem putting his own child at risk, even if it's hypothetical at this point. This isn't a matter of "well, he rubs me the wrong way." This is potentially dangerous behavior for anyone involved.

IMO your sister needs 1) a spine and 2) stop settling for someone who has no interest in her happiness, will not meet her halfway, and takes no responsibility for himself. And no, she cannot make him change. She can only change how she reacts to him.

Re: Sis and her BF

[(Anonymous)]

Echoing everyone else - the instant you say "he sounds like an asshole with addiction problems, RUN!", she'll close up. What I would say is that you can absolutely validate her concerns without putting the guy down. "Wow, I understand why that upsets you," "no, you're right to be upset over that," etc. And, as another anon mentioned, ask questions - but tread very lightly when you do.

Is there anyone else in your lives who may have similar concerns? You don't want to gossip, but you may be able to figure something out if you have someone you can talk to (and also trust not to tell her "well Nonnie said he's a jackass", since sadly that sort of thing happens).