[ SECRET POST #3132 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3132 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 068 secrets from Secret Submission Post #448.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Have you ever been in a relationship where you "settled for" someone?

What were your reasons, and how did it work out?

[(Anonymous)]

Have you ever been in a relationship

No.

[(Anonymous)]

Same!

[(Anonymous)]

3rd anon

Guess we're not settling, then! *brofists*

[ill_omened]

Yes. It was toxic as hell. Rarely a good idea to get into a relationship where you don't feel the need to invst in it at all. Leads to unhealthy dynamics.

[dahli]

No. I was about to (we've known each other for a long time, he's been hitting on me since forever, my friends are always trying to set us up, etc.), but then I found out he was still with his girlfriend when he was asking me out and I was like "HAHA NOPE". I dodged a HUGE bullet there, all things considered.

I should also add that he's the type of guy who has done pretty shitty things to his friends/my friends/ just for the hell of it.

[(Anonymous)]

Well done avoiding that one, he sounds like a real dick head

[dahli]

Hah, thanks! He IS a huge dick head. We recently got together with one of his friends and surprise, surprise, he was still a dick.

Case in oint, he told me his friend liked me and, when we got together with him, he kept trying to grab my hand in front of him. I kept pinching his hand away and he only got worse.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes. It was the worst relationship I've ever been in.

The guy was the one who wanted to be in the relationship, and I told him yes because I thought I had feelings for him too (looking back I think it was more a case of "I can't believe someone likes me romantically" than me actually liking him). We had known each other online for about a month or two, and he already started making plans to meet up almost immediately after we started going out. Alarms should have gone off then, but didn't. When he came down to visit me with his parents (despite being over 20 he doesn't have a license) about a month or so later, it was incredibly awkward and he tried moving the relationship way too fast for me to be comfortable. You'd think I would have broke it off then, but nope, the relationship dragged on for another year, mostly because I was too embarrassed to get out of the relationship and admit that I made a mistake in getting into it in the first place.

[ketita]

I... sort of almost did, maybe. I dated a guy for a reasonable length of time, it got really serious. But he was a lot more into me than I was into him. Even though he's a great guy, I really have no complaints about him, I just wasn't in love, and I think I wasn't really attracted to him, either.

Eventually we broke up, because I couldn't do it to myself, and I couldn't do it to him. It wasn't fair to either of us.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah and ultimately I ended up doing toxic things. When I should have just gotten out, and remain one of my largest regrets to this day. You can't find contentment in settling, and that's what you really need.

[belladonna_took]

Not so much settled, but the first time a guy asked me out I said yes because I thought you were supposed to say yes. I didn't really think about whether or not I liked him or wanted to date anyone.

Idk. I was young.

[kallanda_lee]

No. I'd rather be single for half a decade.

[(Anonymous)]

I didn't, but I watched a friend settle. She married the dude.

She recently started having an affair and decided to leave him for the other man. The divorce is underway. I feel awful for him, because he loved her very much, and she completely shattered him.

[(Anonymous)]

My life story, tbqh. Fortunately it worked out for me.

[(Anonymous)]

My girlfriend of five years just recently told me flat out that she settled for me.

I'm not really doing okay with the knowledge.

[chardmonster]

So you dump her.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not that strong a person. I know that's not a terribly respectable answer. I love her too much, and I don't want to be alone, so...it just sort of is what it is.

[(Anonymous)]

Ow. Owwie wow wow. Sorry, nonny. That's awful.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like one of my best friends has settled for a guy. She keeps telling me that because he loves her and cares a lot about her, and they have a lot of similar interests, he's worth sticking with even though she doesn't feel that attracted to him. I don't know what to say.

[(Anonymous)]

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

"If I said that about someone I was dating, would you believe me?"

Actually, I suppose that's kind of rude. But it does seem like the people who feel the greatest need to shout praises from mountaintops are either in the new stages of a relationship, or they're seriously miserable and are trying to convince themselves otherwise.

Her language definitely gives it away. IMO sexual attraction is just as important as having respect, expressing love, etc. What would you say to someone who said to you, "I'm not attracted to you at all, but I'm willing to stick with you"? How would that make you feel? Completely sexy and completely valued as a partner and human, right? Saying "worth sticking with"... does she think she'll get some reward for dating him? That one day, he'll magically turn from a frog into a prince? That maybe she'll play a part in "changing" him? That's definitely not a good reason to ever date anyone.

And there's that other part where she goes on about how much HE loves her and how HE cares about her, and never about how much SHE loves him and how SHE cares about him. Interests are fine, but they're not everything. It doesn't sound like she has a boyfriend, more like a doormat she's willing to be faithful (if not celibate) to.

It's called having low self esteem.

[chardmonster]

Generally the sense isn't that you settled so much as they settled for you and you can't possibly do better. Because you think you can't do better, you put up with shit you shouldn't.

The other person probably knows this, and it's why they're in the relationship. They consider this a plus.

[(Anonymous)]

I haven't because relationships are hard work and why would you want to invest all that work in something decidedly mediocre? It'd be better to die alone.

A friend of mine settled. I'm not sure she'd frame it that way, but she's a super funny, smart and pretty geek girl who married a guy with all the charisma of a sack of potatoes, who puts down her interests and hobbies and expects her to raise three kids without any help from him and keep the house spotless while he watches football and scratches himself. She doesn't believe she deserves better than this and their relationship makes me want to cry.

[(Anonymous)]

Nope. I've been single most of my life (I had a long-distance "boyfriend" in high school) and it gets lonely sometimes, because I always end up liking people who are already in relationships. I've considered dating guys who were into me just for the sake of dating someone and getting that experience, but I've never gone through with it. It just didn't feel right.

[(Anonymous)]

*fist-bump*

I've had those kinds of experiences too. I thought you "had" to give your number to a guy who asked for it, otherwise you were being a cold fish and completely disrespectful and young adult ladies just don't do that.

I'm not knocking the act of making friends/lovers that way; plenty of folks are cool with doing that. But it's definitely not something for me.

I think my problem is all the pretentious bullshit, and the whole meat market feel of dating. I don't feel like I'm being respected as a human, as the person I am, because it seems like the only time a non-taken guy will talk to me is when he's interested with what's between my legs (at that point, he must be desperate, because there's nothing about me that advertises "single and looking"). "Taken" guys feel more real because they're not putting on an act to hook up with someone (unless they're complete assholes). They already have someone. So, I've just backed off of that whole scene and decided I need to be happy with myself first before I even think of pursuing someone (non-taken). I may not get married until I'm like 90. I may never get married. I may be married when I least expect it. I just don't want that to be my life's greatest tragedy.