fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3147 ]

[ SECRET POST #3147 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3147 ⌋

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Everyone here helped me with my sis and her BF. This was the one who always guilt tripped her into not going to the football games she wanted to see. She has finally told him that she doesn't think she can be with him anymore.

For several reasons including:
-Drug abuse. He is addicted to drugs. She has tried to get him to go to NA meetings and stop for 3 years. She recently found out he stole pills from a co-worker and didn't tell her. Another co-worker told her.
-Laziness. He just doesn't do anything around the house even though they both work.
-No motivation. He doesn't want to do anything to better himself. Or even do simple things like planning a date for the two of them. If she is not the one planning it, it ain't happening.
-She feels more like his mother than a romantic partner.

Because he is halfway across the country and has no one else, she said she'd give him a month to see if they can figure this out. So, they have been fighting a lot because he says that her standoffish-ness (that she has had since she told him) is why they won't work. And he keeps guilt tripping her about how he loves her and that she is the only one for him.

And I don't know what to keep telling her so she doesn't fall into guilt and tries to stay with him. He has become more helpful but I expect that will wear off in a month or two. And he has not admitted to stealing the drugs from work (she is hoping he wold bring it up).

What is some advice I can give her so she does not feel guilty about breaking up with him (especially because he will have to find a way to get back home [tho I think his mom will help because he is a huge mama's boy]).

Good for your sister. A lot of people in her situation feel guilty because they feel responsible for their partner, but... he's a grown ass man. He is fully capable of dealing with his own drug problems, helping out around the house and planning dates for someone he supposedly loves and he chooses not to do any of these things. That last part is important. Because seriously, if he really believed that your sister was his true love and the only one for him, then what's keeping him from doing some laundry or cooking her dinner? Why can't he say, "Babe, this weekend let's

People who love you will treat you like they love you. They won't be all talk and no action. Tell your sister to ignore what he says and look at what he does. Frankly, I don't think she should've given him a month's grace period, because how long have they been together? If he hasn't been able to clean up his act in all that time, what difference will a month make? Answer: none.

In relationships, you want a partner, not a dependent and certainly not a selfish man-child with a drug problem who lies to you. Way too many women put up with shit like that, and the reward they get for all their trouble isn't a mature adult, it's more childish behavior from a dude who thinks he can escape growing up because the women in his life will always be there to clean up his messes and pat him on the head before going off to make him a sandwich. Fuck that shit. Many women want to believe their love and hard work will cure a man, but it won't. He's responsible for curing himself, your sister needs to worry about her own welfare first for a change.

That is what I've been telling her. And she can't ever have kdis with him. She'd basically be a single parent. She asked him once what he would do if they had kids who needed medication and he said, "Well, I guess you'd have to keep it hidden from me."

WOAH

That is what I said. And what I bring up as much as possible. REMEMBER HE WOULD STEAL HIS KID'S MEDS?!?!!?

Yeah. This guy is waving a shit-ton of red flags to tell your sister he's not the right guy to be with, not the right guy to marry, and definitely not the right guy to have kids with. It's on your sister to get that message, even though it's not what she wants to hear. I don't know how willing she'd be to try therapy, but it might be useful for unpacking why she'd stay with a guy who so clearly does not want to be there for her and isn't even good at hiding it.

Honestly, I'm not sure what else you can do. It sounds like you've already talked to her about this and she decided to give him another chance, so if she's determined to stay with him after that there's nothing you can do about it.

Just be there for her in the meantime and reassure her that she's not at any way at fault for leaving him if their relationship isn't a happy or healthy one. While she cares about him, sometimes caring about someone isn't enough, and sometimes they have problems that only they can fix; if he doesn't want to change, he won't. Even if he wants to he might not.

So I'd say just keep telling her she needs to do what's best for her, not him; he's an adult, he can figure out the rest.

I'm trying to be there. The problem is I am not the most...emotionally available person. I love her but I have a hard time expressing myself in emotional situations. I am like that GIF from 30 Rock of Alec Baldwin rubbing the person with a broom going "There, there."

I feel like I just keep repeating the same stuff over and over. "He doesn't want to change." "It's been three years of this." "You can't be his mother and his romantic partner." "You will never know if he is lying to you." etc

Ah, I get you. Sometimes I feel like that too; expressing yourself isn't always easy, even when you have good intentions and want to help.

In her situation I feel like even asking how things are going and lending an ear would be helpful though. You say she has no one else, so even talking to you about her problems is going to be a form of release for her, even if all you have to say are things she's heard before. That you care enough to listen and respond is probably something she greatly appreciates.

I don't know your sister, but maybe she needs to hear those things more than once anyway. Maybe she needs someone to be completely honest with her about the situation; she's so emotionally involved that she doesn't seem to want to admit he probably won't change.

No, he has no one else in the area. Which is why she feels bad about leaving him. But..she can't keep babysitting him.

And that is neither her responsibility nor her fault. She is not his mother and he is a grown-ass man.

I really hope she sticks to her guns and leaves him. This does not sound like a good situation at all!

Me too! She seems pretty set on it as long as she doesn't let his guilt tripping get to her.

I'd love to know if she goes through with it. Keep us posted!

Edited 2015-08-17 01:30 (UTC)

Tbh every time she complains about him, I'd urge her to scrap this one-month window and just cut him loose. Because he's not going to change in any meaningful way and all this is doing is giving her time to decide it can work if he makes the smallest of small changes that ultimately won't stick, and before she knows it she'll have wasted a chunk of her life.

This. The one month window might be her attempt to feel better about dumping him or she might be harboring some illusion that he'll snap out it and change, but... there's almost no chance that will happen. All that one month does is make it harder for her to leave, because it gives him more opportunity to try and talk his way out of this.

Give her as much support as you can, OP, and tell her she deserves better.

Well, she gave him a month but about a week end of him being either angry and yelling OR sad and crying, she told him that there is basically no chance of being back together. She just doesn't love him anymore.

And he isn't a violent person at all. He is just a manchild who never does anything for himself.

Though, he is also super into true crime and such. So she is a bit worried he might murder her (she was mostly joking about that).

that last bit... are you sure she's 100% joking?

people often mask their true feelings with jokes. whether or not this guy's a psycho, at the very least it sounds like she's a bit scared of him. why would you want to be with someone you can't feel safe with?

I've told her several times she can come to our house if she feels unsafe (she only lives 5 mins away). She has keys to our house as well and an open invitation. Not sure what else I can do. :(

Er. I hope for your sake and hers that deadbeat BF doesn't A) know she has a set of keys to your place B) know what those keys look like or C) have access to them.

Honestly, a person doesn't have to be violent in order to be a shitty life partner. Being a manchild is bad enough, and if the past three years have been a drag, imagine the next 30-40 years of the same damn thing. Your sister should be fleeing in horror, than congratulating herself on the bullet she dodged.

she needs to be where he wont find her. a lot of murders start like this. I am very alarmed.

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[ SECRET POST #3147 ]

Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

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