[ SECRET POST #3147 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3147 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 052 secrets from Secret Submission Post #450.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice

[(Anonymous)]

In comment cuz long. Ask your own.

Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[(Anonymous)]

Everyone here helped me with my sis and her BF. This was the one who always guilt tripped her into not going to the football games she wanted to see. She has finally told him that she doesn't think she can be with him anymore.

For several reasons including:
-Drug abuse. He is addicted to drugs. She has tried to get him to go to NA meetings and stop for 3 years. She recently found out he stole pills from a co-worker and didn't tell her. Another co-worker told her.
-Laziness. He just doesn't do anything around the house even though they both work.
-No motivation. He doesn't want to do anything to better himself. Or even do simple things like planning a date for the two of them. If she is not the one planning it, it ain't happening.
-She feels more like his mother than a romantic partner.

Because he is halfway across the country and has no one else, she said she'd give him a month to see if they can figure this out. So, they have been fighting a lot because he says that her standoffish-ness (that she has had since she told him) is why they won't work. And he keeps guilt tripping her about how he loves her and that she is the only one for him.

And I don't know what to keep telling her so she doesn't fall into guilt and tries to stay with him. He has become more helpful but I expect that will wear off in a month or two. And he has not admitted to stealing the drugs from work (she is hoping he wold bring it up).

What is some advice I can give her so she does not feel guilty about breaking up with him (especially because he will have to find a way to get back home [tho I think his mom will help because he is a huge mama's boy]).

Re: Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[(Anonymous)]

Good for your sister. A lot of people in her situation feel guilty because they feel responsible for their partner, but... he's a grown ass man. He is fully capable of dealing with his own drug problems, helping out around the house and planning dates for someone he supposedly loves and he chooses not to do any of these things. That last part is important. Because seriously, if he really believed that your sister was his true love and the only one for him, then what's keeping him from doing some laundry or cooking her dinner? Why can't he say, "Babe, this weekend let's

People who love you will treat you like they love you. They won't be all talk and no action. Tell your sister to ignore what he says and look at what he does. Frankly, I don't think she should've given him a month's grace period, because how long have they been together? If he hasn't been able to clean up his act in all that time, what difference will a month make? Answer: none.

In relationships, you want a partner, not a dependent and certainly not a selfish man-child with a drug problem who lies to you. Way too many women put up with shit like that, and the reward they get for all their trouble isn't a mature adult, it's more childish behavior from a dude who thinks he can escape growing up because the women in his life will always be there to clean up his messes and pat him on the head before going off to make him a sandwich. Fuck that shit. Many women want to believe their love and hard work will cure a man, but it won't. He's responsible for curing himself, your sister needs to worry about her own welfare first for a change.

op

[(Anonymous)]

That is what I've been telling her. And she can't ever have kdis with him. She'd basically be a single parent. She asked him once what he would do if they had kids who needed medication and he said, "Well, I guess you'd have to keep it hidden from me."

Re: op

[(Anonymous)]

WOAH

Re: Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[elaminator]

Honestly, I'm not sure what else you can do. It sounds like you've already talked to her about this and she decided to give him another chance, so if she's determined to stay with him after that there's nothing you can do about it.

Just be there for her in the meantime and reassure her that she's not at any way at fault for leaving him if their relationship isn't a happy or healthy one. While she cares about him, sometimes caring about someone isn't enough, and sometimes they have problems that only they can fix; if he doesn't want to change, he won't. Even if he wants to he might not.

So I'd say just keep telling her she needs to do what's best for her, not him; he's an adult, he can figure out the rest.

op

[(Anonymous)]

I'm trying to be there. The problem is I am not the most...emotionally available person. I love her but I have a hard time expressing myself in emotional situations. I am like that GIF from 30 Rock of Alec Baldwin rubbing the person with a broom going "There, there."

I feel like I just keep repeating the same stuff over and over. "He doesn't want to change." "It's been three years of this." "You can't be his mother and his romantic partner." "You will never know if he is lying to you." etc

Re: Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[diet_poison]

I really hope she sticks to her guns and leaves him. This does not sound like a good situation at all!

op

[(Anonymous)]

Me too! She seems pretty set on it as long as she doesn't let his guilt tripping get to her.

Re: Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[(Anonymous)]

Tbh every time she complains about him, I'd urge her to scrap this one-month window and just cut him loose. Because he's not going to change in any meaningful way and all this is doing is giving her time to decide it can work if he makes the smallest of small changes that ultimately won't stick, and before she knows it she'll have wasted a chunk of her life.

Re: Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[(Anonymous)]

This. The one month window might be her attempt to feel better about dumping him or she might be harboring some illusion that he'll snap out it and change, but... there's almost no chance that will happen. All that one month does is make it harder for her to leave, because it gives him more opportunity to try and talk his way out of this.

Give her as much support as you can, OP, and tell her she deserves better.

Re: Sister's BF I've mentioned here before

[(Anonymous)]

she needs to be where he wont find her. a lot of murders start like this. I am very alarmed.

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

I want to have the same relationship I had with someone before they did something pretty bad that I'm still mad about. I did talk to them and I told them how I felt. They've tried justifying it but there's been no acknowledgement of wrongdoing or any kind of apology, and it's not something I can ignore.

What do I even do here?

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Grieve for what youve lost and move on. There's no going back; try to find that relationship with someone who doesn't make you mad and try to justify it.

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

I know I can't fix it, but I guess I'm still in the denial stage of grief. :(

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Move on. You can't force a person to be sorry about something that's a dealbreaker for you, and the fact that this person KNOWS you're upset and STILL doesn't feel it's important enough to apologize is a big red flag. You can't change them, so you need to figure out what you want to do next.

I'll tell you, though... if you cave and be with this person even though they haven't apologized, you'll be teaching them that they can do whatever shitty thing they want and you'll put up with that. Please don't go down that road, there's only unhappiness and frustration at the end.

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks. I know if I'm being smart it's not healthy. I just feel really bitter about it.

being weird about rp

[(Anonymous)]

I have this very weird and specific problem while rping... I have noticed that the *relationships* of a particular character make me legitimately angry. It's a love triangle and I'm not in any way involved in it, but every time we talk about it I get really disproportionately disgusted/pissed off. And I feel super snarky.

I like them all as roleplayers (and ppl), they're really nice. I have no problem with love triangles. My characters are only involved with them as friends. I have no problem with their characters having sex, or whatever. And when I notice bitchiness coming up in me I really try hard to reign it in.

But I really wonder where that comes from? Does anyone experience something similar? Or have any idea??? I'm just baffled by my own brain.

Re: being weird about rp

[(Anonymous)]

I get that but I also get that when people talk about their RL relationships so I think it's related? I'm not jealous, I'm not single myself, but it's awkward sitting there listening to someone talk about something you're totally uninvolved in and assuming you'll care

If it's some kinda funny story, ok, it's a funny story. If it's some kinda problem they're having that they want help or you to listen to, ok, but that goes for every topic. If it's oooooomg Billy looked at Sara, oomg Bobby is looking at Billy oomgggg Sara is cheating with Peggy I could not give less of a shit about your random drama that has nothing to do with me

The best I can do is be mildly happy for you that you're enjoying yourself so much but spare me the details I do not need live updates to the minute about what happened in every post. It's a lack of self awareness almost, that literally nobody is as excited about your own ships as yourself

Re: being weird about rp

[(Anonymous)]

y'know, just after i wrote this i realised it's because i feel like a third wheel like 80% of the time, like when i'm playing with them i'm just in the way.

Re: Advice

[caerbannog]

Get rid of my hills hoist, get rid of it partially and make use of metal pole or just let a tree grow over it? I'm
Thinking keeping pole and putting the rhododendron next to it for support/ protection.

I don't use it and it's taking up so much space. And I don't want to pay someone to jackhammer it out.

Re: Advice

[(Anonymous)]

You could borrow jackhammer from bunnings if you wanted to do it yourself. Or sledgehammer. Assuming you're physically able to do it. Or get an angle grinder and cut it off at the base (or at the top).

But if not, I suggest turning it into a lovely vine support such as for grapes, or your rhododendron, if you can get it to stop turning.

Re: Advice

[caerbannog]

I might be able to remove the top of it? It doesn't really turned, previous people painted over it and almost sealed it to immovable! I guess I'm worried it could be bad for the plant but it could also be artistic / support. I should have a closer look at the top of it - could probably reuse the top of it as tomato support come summer :s just not sure how one even dismantles these. Lol.

I've never used a jackhammer before but I have used a grinder so that's a possibility!

Re: Advice

[belladonna_took]

My friend turned his into an umbrella by adding some shade cloth and sticking some chairs under it. His yard didn't have any shade before that, so it was actually a really good idea.

We got a mosquito net thing as well that fits over it so we can be out there at night without being eaten alive.

Re: Advice

[caerbannog]

That's an idea! Not like rhododendron grow fast so I'm not in a rush to remove the thing but it's also pretty damn annoying and ugly :/ so it might as well be useful!