[ SECRET POST #3172 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3172 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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(Ollie Locke)


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[Forever]


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[Doctor Who]












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 013 secrets from Secret Submission Post #453.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Is it possible to convince someone that they are loved? I know someone who thinks I'm the only person who cares about them because I go over the top when I'm friends with people, and I know a ton of people care about this person as well but they're less devoted to showing it and my friend is so depressed they don't see it. Is there any way I can persuade them or is it just something I'll have to watch my friend suffer through?

[(Anonymous)]

just keep trying and being there for them. when you're really deep down it's hard to hear and accept the words. when I get bad - and I'm like your friend and I know this - the actions my partner does to help me are easier to remember. little things. hugs. attempts to do things together. whatever your relationship boundaries are at.

but please don't give up on them. I know it's hard, but if they feel like they're making it too difficult on you it may make them feel worse. like again they've failed and now it's you, too.

gently try to get them to talk to a therapist at least. this is where I am and I *know* I need to do this, but it's a process. Good luck to you and your friend.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I'll definitely keep doing what little I can. They've sought mental help, but they didn't get it - the system is not as kind or as diligent as it should be. I've been in their place too, and I know it means everything when someone compliments me or says they care about me even if I'm too unhappy for it to make a big difference in my attitude, and keep needing to be told all over again. It's just hard being on the other side for once, because I want to help them more than I possibly can. And I'm afraid someday I'll do something (or fail to do something) and they'll think I don't care anymore and do something impulsive before I have the chance to try and prevent it.
Being there for somebody, I can do. Being the only one they think they can rely on, that's what gets me nervous.

[(Anonymous)]

Is it possible to convince a depressed person? No. Just be patient with them and continue to treat them normally until they can come to a realization on their own.

[(Anonymous)]

That's fair. I've been in their position before but not quite as bad, so people could convince me sometimes. I'll keep being there for them and hope I don't mess up somehow.

[(Anonymous)]

You're doing good, just do what you do. No pressure to fix them or be a "good enough" friend, because you seem like you're already there. The main thing is don't treat them different. Excessive sympathy or treating them like they're fragile is just as bad as cutting them out of your life, IME. Odds are they're already thinking "what's wrong with me?" every hour on the hour.

(All advice should be tailored to your individual situation, of course. I'm talking out of my last 15 years of depression and friends drifting away from me as a result. YMMV)

[solticisekf]

Shower them with gifts?

[(Anonymous)]

I dunno. If they're depressed enough it might just make them feel guilty.

[(Anonymous)]

To be honest, no. When someone is depressed the way your friend is, they're not really equipped to realize that they're worthy of being loved, even in the face of repeated demonstrations. Which is why while I applaud your efforts, please be careful of your own emotional health, OP. I've been in your friends' shoes. The problem with depression is that it's a black, bottomless pit. When people showed me that they cared for me, it was like trying to fill that pit with love and affection. But the pit is bottomless, and no matter how much love and support they shoveled in, it was never enough.

This is not to say you shouldn't make those gestures, just that you can't take on the burden of persuading someone not to feel depressed anymore. You alone can't heal them. You can be there while they work on healing themselves with self care, therapy and/or meds, but you, all by yourself, cannot fix this for them no matter how hard you try and how hard you want to. It's not a question of will or self sacrifice on your part, and if you try, you'll burn yourself out and your friend will be no better off than she was before.

You can be a good friend, but it might be a good idea to pull back from "going over the top". Honestly, when I was depressed and at my worst, grand gestures like that made me feel worse, because I knew the person making them was really, really trying to help me. When it didn't work, I felt guilty for being such a rotten friend, and then I felt resentful at the person for thinking they could e-hug me out of being depressed and both of those things caused me to withdraw from them.

My advice is to keep the gestures relatively low key, but regular. Talk to your friend about what's going on in your life (brief, cheery updates if you can) without expectation of reciprocation for a while. Let them know you're thinking about them. Listen if they need to vent. Encourage them to seek therapy. And remind them that in depression, your brain lies to you, all the time, about everything. It tells you you're a horrible person nobody cares about. It tells you you're stupid and everything is hopeless so it's not worth trying anymore. IT LIES.

That's all you can do.