fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3207 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3207 ⌋

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so something that i am... awkward about is trying to give people sympathy and support online when they're going through tough things. because you see people online talking about their problems and their hard times and their pain, and you want - as a human being - to do what you can to support them in situations like that. but at the same time, you don't want to come on too hard & be weird or overbearing or creepy.

so, how do you balance those things? any thoughts?

This is a hard one and I'm not sure I'm any good at it, but what I do mostly is ask people if they want to talk about [whatever is hurting them]. If they say yes, I let them talk. If they say no, I let them know I'm there for them if they need me and occasionally ask them a general question like 'how are you doing?' which they can answer either by telling me about the situation or with a simple 'fine, and you?'.

IA, this is decent advice. All you can really do is offer to listen but if they don't want to get into it you have to let it go; otherwise you might just make them even more stressed. (And of course you don't want to be rude and overstep boundaries, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone you're there if they want to talk; I think most people appreciate the offer even if they don't take it.)

i only give sympathy to people here (and 4chan hahaha) because i'm anon

I've mostly stopped worrying about it because I've spent so much time trying to find ways to help my own awkward friends get over their fear that they're going to say something wrong when I want some support and don't want them not replying to my messages because they don't know what to say and keep putting off replying and then it never happens and I'm even more depressed. My experience as someone who's had a lot of problems is that I don't have high standards for what I want to hear in terms of sympathy. I just want to know that there are people who care. So I've gotten to the point where I just try to be sincere when I'm the one offering sympathy and support and don't worry about how I'm going to look because I'd rather try to help and be thought of as weird or something than not say anything and have that person end up not getting any response because too many other people are feeling the same way.

A simple "I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope things get better soon" can work just fine. Some people put way too much pressure on themselves to say the perfect thing. There is no perfect thing. All you can do is try to be kind and understanding. I can see how people can be afraid advice can be seen as overbearing but I think most people are fine with someone saying "this is what helped me when I was dealing with something similar, maybe it could help you too". If you're afraid of coming on too strong but don't feel like you've said enough then you can ask if they want to talk about it and gauge how things seem from there.

I don't day anything unless I know the person really well and they're reaching out to me

That sounds mean but I tried to be everyone's emotional support once and bad things happened.

*say

Most of the time I just offer to listen to people's problems. Refrain from giving advice unless they ask for it. Refrain from cliché assurances that everything will be okay.

A good practice is just trying to understand how much someone's situation sucks and acknowledge their difficulty rather than just offering trite hugs or "fixing" it for them.

"Refrain from giving advice unless they ask for it."

Maybe follow your own advice once in a while.

This thread asked for advice though.

Spoilers: I actually don't give advice if someone asks me not too. :)

Oh come on, an anon community where people talk about their Stuff and others respond is different from established friendships.

Though he probably shouldn't have responded at all to the anon who specifically asked him not to offer advice.

If say someone I'm following seems to be having a hard time or something shitty happened, I generally just go the short route.

- "holy shit i hope you're okay"
- "oh man it sounds like you're having a tough time, I hope things work out"
- "That totally wasn't your fault, but hopefully it will work out"
- "That's really shitty man, i hope you're going to be okay"
- "i'm sorry to hear things are sucking, how is it going now?"

Paraphrased examples of recent messages but basically acknowledging something was shitty + showing I am concerned by hoping things get better, but no attempting to explain things away or "happens for a reason" type shit.

(for #3 context was blaming themselves for something that was clearly another person's fault)

[ SECRET POST #3207 ]

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