fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3220 ]

[ SECRET POST #3220 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3220 ⌋

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I have self esteem issues. Always have. Failing the bar has not helped. I'm feeling like a failure as a person. I have plans on how to pass this time. But it is going to mean living off my parents for another few months unless I can find a part-time job. And even so they are having to pay the 900 dollar registration cost for the bar. I can't take out a loan because I need a cosigner and they won't.

I just feel like I'm a complete failure as a person and like I'm a drain on them and it might be better for me to just give up. There were honestly a couple moments where I was almost suicidal, though not quite, but I have been feeling pretty worthless and like maybe people would be better if I was gone.

How do I pull myself out of this hole and realize failing an exam doesn't make me a failure?

Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive distortions? For some people, it helps to familiarize themselves with all the distortions, and call themselves out when they recognize themselves using one.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'm worthless, I couldn't even pass one test." (Cognitive distortion: black and white thinking) you might counter that with "That's ridiculous. Lot's of people can't pass the bar on the first try. A person's worth isn't defined by one event in their life."

Some people make a list of them and then counter them.

Condolences on the bar exam, that would get me down, too. When it comes to failure, I personally find it most helpful if I focus on what I'm doing to succeed the next time around. Dwelling on past failure sucks away your energy to keep trying, so I avoid that. Every time I start to feel bad, I remind myself that I am doing X, Y and Z in order to better my chances the next time around.

Find someone else to hate and spend so much time and energy hating them you don't have the energy to hate yourself. Bronies, the MRM, and Gamergate are all wonderfully easy targets.

Nah, man. There's few things more shameful than bringing down people because you can't be assed to improve your own self-worth positively.

I know this is meant to be a flippantly witty reply, but it doesn't really work very well in practice. Hating on anyone uses up valuable energy and emotional resources that you can't spare when you're already depressed and feeling terrible about yourself. All that does is enforce the negative emotions that are preventing a person from doing something productive.

The solution is actually the opposite: you try to see the good in yourself, try to do something you feel good about, and try to include more positive things in your life.

Blech no.

Then you just end up being consumed by hate and warping into an obsessively hateful person.

I've been there. It's a horrible place to be. I still feel like a worthless drain on my parents sometimes.

Mostly I try to find new things that I can succeed at and feel good about. Volunteering has been a good one since it usually doesn't have the barriers to entry that jobs do. Doing something that helps other people makes me feel better while I work on becoming a productive member of society.

I wish I had more to offer but I'm still working on this myself. But I firmly believe that no person is worthless and you certainly aren't.

I'd never call someone a failure because of their academic record. Idk, college marks just aren't important to me at all.
Remember a scientist - was it Einstein? - who got C in Math. He was a genius but so many financially successful people didn't have high marks.

Edited (SPAG) 2015-10-28 23:44 (UTC)

:(

You're awesome though.

Look at all these people who failed the bar: http://www.buzzfeed.com/deenashanker/fail-the-bar-become-president#.ddGRAAll3

I think we can conclude from this list that failing the bar will make you famous and successful. Or something.

I think education and training are the things you shouldn't feel guilty about asking your parents for money for. They're necessary investments in helping you earn your own money so you don't have to ask your parents for more money.

My parents are just pretty not well off. Probably lower middle class? Not sure. They don't make a regular salary so it is hard to tell. But we've had a lot of unforseen medical expenses. So asking for another 100 dollars for the bar and plus food/etc. expenses and then plane and hotel expenses to fly back to Boston in February.

I'm hoping to find a part-time job where I can work a few hours a day and still have study time so at least I can pay them back a little. But I'm 30 and still taking money from my parents so I feel bad.

Although, actually, they never put much expenses into my schooling before. I took out loans for everything. It never occurred to me this wasn't normal, but my sister was complaining the other day about how most parents help pay for schooling and how they always downplayed state schools to us and so we've ended up with more debt. They actually bought a house specifically so that money wouldn't go to our schooling.

Oh... wow. :( I honestly don't know if my situation is normal, but my parents (reasonably financially secure but not rich) paid for our schooling and never even considered doing it any other way. Education is an important aspect of raising a kid, and I don't really understand it when parents don't do this. Why would you not contribute to your child's chances of success? My parents would sooner die of shame than buy themselves a new house or anything fancy while their kids were crushed under the weight of student loans.

I worked summer jobs in the last couple years of high school and through college and all the money went toward school and my everyday expenses while I was there. So while it's not like I got off scot free, I obviously had a much easier ride than many of my peers did and I'm grateful to my parents for it.

I'm probably the wrong person to be talking to about being dependent on other people for money because I'm in disability support payment limbo. Too sick to work, but we're not sure if you're sick enough to give you money because we can't pronounce what you have.

You're already in the good child category because you don't want to be taking money from your parents, IMO. You can't really help your circumstances, but you are doing your best right now and you want to be independent in the future. You don't expect your parents to support you while you remain unemployed forever.

I payed for a lot of things either out of pocket or with loan schemes after I turned 18. I didn't really expect anyone to pay for me because none of my extended family are well off and I didn't want to ask my former legal guardian. So idk. Normal is what's normal for your situation. Some of my friends were in the same boat and some of them had parents either helping out with loans or paying out of pocket for them to study or get an apartment. My friend's parents bought him an apartment in the city that must be worth maybe 700k. Then they sold it because he was slacking with his studies and made him move back home to the guest house. He's upset, but I find it (secretly) hilarious that that's the worst thing that's ever happened to him. Living rent free next to a swimming pool.

In the meantime, are there any government incentive type payment schemes for people seeking work where you are? We have the Newstart allowance which is financial assistance for people actively seeking jobs. It's one of the easiest ones to apply for and a lot of my friends have been on it when they were between jobs or studying. It was you that was having foot problems I think? It's also currently doubling as a temporary disability support payment for people who are expecting to get back to work in the near future.

Maybe it's a bit outdated now that college is more expensive than ever, but my parents believed that we should pay for college ourselves. I come from a poor family so they couldn't pay for it even if they wanted to, so it all comes out the same. There is no such thing as normal when it comes to who pays for schooling.

That's shitty that they discounted public unis though.

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