fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3220 ]

[ SECRET POST #3220 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3220 ⌋

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But really.

I should be in my last year of college, but my anxiety and depression spiraled pretty badly after I got a worthless associates and couldn't find a direction in my studies since I was afraid I wouldn't be able to support myself with my actual passions. I've been therapy and taking medication, but I'm still struggling a lot and don't leave the house most days. My parents are more than understanding and supporting, but I feel like I'm just letting myself indulge and shrink any responsibilities. I know that I should be getting into a rhythm and exercising and doing all those sort of things, but I just end distracting myself everyday by browsing the internet and feeling shittier and shittier about myself. I can't seem to take that first step to improve myself, maybe because I'm afraid of messing up again. And I'm just lagging further and further behind my peers.

I really want to stop, I know I'm just avoiding all my problems and making excuses why I shouldn't do that because I'll just fail.

How do even get out of this sort thing?

Been there, done that. The bad thing about depression is that it puts this giant mental block in place every time you try to do anything to break out of that rut. What helped me was setting myself a schedule and enforcing it with alarms and timers if necessary. When the timer goes off, I don't give myself time to think about it (and talk myself out of it), I get up and do the thing.

Start with baby steps. Take a short walk outside, maybe 15 minutes. Do it at the same time every day until it becomes a habit you do automatically, like flushing a toilet after you pee. You can walk as slow as you want, but do it for the whole 15 minutes. Instill that habit over a few weeks. Then maybe bump it up to half an hour. Take music along if that'll help.

Another thing you can do is find a volunteer position. Doesn't matter what, as long as you're helping, because studies have shown it can be a surprisingly effective at counteracting depression. Animal shelters need volunteers to socialize their animals, maybe that could be something to look into.

Attack your diet. When people are depressed, they generally don't eat well, and that makes a difference especially as you get older. When you're a teenager, your body can run just fine on Yoohoo and pizza rolls, but as you get into your 20s and older... not so much. Aim for lean proteins, lots of veggies, low sugar, low refined carbs, whole grains. Cut back on junk food. This is even harder than exercise for a lot of people because it requires more work, so again, set yourself a small, easy goal. One healthy meal per week. If you don't already know how to cook, learning is a great idea and it's a skillset that everyone can use.

Step away from the computer. As a fellow internet addict, I sympathize. But sometimes the aimless browsing we do to block out intrusive thoughts and numb our feelings just turns us into apathetic zombies. Try to replace this habit with something healthier. Exercise again is good. Reading books is good. Finding hobbies that get you out of the house is a very good idea.

It's hard and it sucks and you have my sympathies, anon. We can do this!

Not the OP

Thank you for giving such a kind, helpful response! Honestly, so many people have this "just get over it" attitude, which doesn't help at all. Thanks for being a nice person! <3

I've been in OP's shoes and I'm still a work in progress as far as depression and apathy are concerned. :) It's tough but doable, it's just hard to see HOW it's doable when you're depressed. You kinda have to take it on faith that you can climb out of this hole and you have to keep trying, even if it doesn't seem like it's possible.

How do even get out of this sort thing?

It's very difficult. If you're less anxious going out if you're with someone, you could ask a parent or someone to go somewhere with you once a week or whatever's feasible for you.

Volunteering could be a good thing, if you're able, since it would be accomplishing something toward your future goals. Parks (the kind without playgrounds and things) can be nice, quiet places that can be low-stress and a change of pace.

Seconding on volunteering, I managed to get on a volunteering group with the county's wildlife trust specifically for people with mental health issues and managed to learn new skills and do good work. Really fun beneficial and useful.

What helped me was getting into the habit of looking at all my options and coming up with back-up plans for whatever I decided to do. I needed to fight the impulse to look at one failure and decide that's it, everything's ruined forever. The important thing is to look at the back-up plans as real, viable options that don't make me worth less than the original plan would have.

Working on fighting an all-or-nothing attitude helped too. I try to acknowledge any successes, no matter how small, and not guilt myself for not doing more. Small steps are worth something. You can start with just one thing and use that success to motivate others. Maybe you could start with finding a reason to leave the house every day.

I relate to this a lot but I'm having trouble putting my thoughts together into something helpful. So I'll stop here and just say that I hope you find a way to break out of this.

Also, I know that "lagging behind my peers" feeling incredibly well, but really there's no proper timeline that everyone needs to follow or else be a failure. I'm in classes with people of all different ages right now. There's nothing shameful about having some problems and going more slowly than other people.

not OP, but you worded it nicely. Thanks.

OP here

Not exactly sure what to write to each of you, so I hope it's alright to blanket thank you guys. I was a little worried to post this since it's so personal, but all of your responses were very kind and helpful. Thanks guys.

I have self esteem issues. Always have. Failing the bar has not helped. I'm feeling like a failure as a person. I have plans on how to pass this time. But it is going to mean living off my parents for another few months unless I can find a part-time job. And even so they are having to pay the 900 dollar registration cost for the bar. I can't take out a loan because I need a cosigner and they won't.

I just feel like I'm a complete failure as a person and like I'm a drain on them and it might be better for me to just give up. There were honestly a couple moments where I was almost suicidal, though not quite, but I have been feeling pretty worthless and like maybe people would be better if I was gone.

How do I pull myself out of this hole and realize failing an exam doesn't make me a failure?

Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive distortions? For some people, it helps to familiarize themselves with all the distortions, and call themselves out when they recognize themselves using one.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'm worthless, I couldn't even pass one test." (Cognitive distortion: black and white thinking) you might counter that with "That's ridiculous. Lot's of people can't pass the bar on the first try. A person's worth isn't defined by one event in their life."

Some people make a list of them and then counter them.

Condolences on the bar exam, that would get me down, too. When it comes to failure, I personally find it most helpful if I focus on what I'm doing to succeed the next time around. Dwelling on past failure sucks away your energy to keep trying, so I avoid that. Every time I start to feel bad, I remind myself that I am doing X, Y and Z in order to better my chances the next time around.

Find someone else to hate and spend so much time and energy hating them you don't have the energy to hate yourself. Bronies, the MRM, and Gamergate are all wonderfully easy targets.

Nah, man. There's few things more shameful than bringing down people because you can't be assed to improve your own self-worth positively.

I know this is meant to be a flippantly witty reply, but it doesn't really work very well in practice. Hating on anyone uses up valuable energy and emotional resources that you can't spare when you're already depressed and feeling terrible about yourself. All that does is enforce the negative emotions that are preventing a person from doing something productive.

The solution is actually the opposite: you try to see the good in yourself, try to do something you feel good about, and try to include more positive things in your life.

Blech no.

Then you just end up being consumed by hate and warping into an obsessively hateful person.

I've been there. It's a horrible place to be. I still feel like a worthless drain on my parents sometimes.

Mostly I try to find new things that I can succeed at and feel good about. Volunteering has been a good one since it usually doesn't have the barriers to entry that jobs do. Doing something that helps other people makes me feel better while I work on becoming a productive member of society.

I wish I had more to offer but I'm still working on this myself. But I firmly believe that no person is worthless and you certainly aren't.

I'd never call someone a failure because of their academic record. Idk, college marks just aren't important to me at all.
Remember a scientist - was it Einstein? - who got C in Math. He was a genius but so many financially successful people didn't have high marks.

Edited (SPAG) 2015-10-28 23:44 (UTC)

:(

You're awesome though.

Look at all these people who failed the bar: http://www.buzzfeed.com/deenashanker/fail-the-bar-become-president#.ddGRAAll3

I think we can conclude from this list that failing the bar will make you famous and successful. Or something.

I think education and training are the things you shouldn't feel guilty about asking your parents for money for. They're necessary investments in helping you earn your own money so you don't have to ask your parents for more money.

My parents are just pretty not well off. Probably lower middle class? Not sure. They don't make a regular salary so it is hard to tell. But we've had a lot of unforseen medical expenses. So asking for another 100 dollars for the bar and plus food/etc. expenses and then plane and hotel expenses to fly back to Boston in February.

I'm hoping to find a part-time job where I can work a few hours a day and still have study time so at least I can pay them back a little. But I'm 30 and still taking money from my parents so I feel bad.

Although, actually, they never put much expenses into my schooling before. I took out loans for everything. It never occurred to me this wasn't normal, but my sister was complaining the other day about how most parents help pay for schooling and how they always downplayed state schools to us and so we've ended up with more debt. They actually bought a house specifically so that money wouldn't go to our schooling.

Oh... wow. :( I honestly don't know if my situation is normal, but my parents (reasonably financially secure but not rich) paid for our schooling and never even considered doing it any other way. Education is an important aspect of raising a kid, and I don't really understand it when parents don't do this. Why would you not contribute to your child's chances of success? My parents would sooner die of shame than buy themselves a new house or anything fancy while their kids were crushed under the weight of student loans.

I worked summer jobs in the last couple years of high school and through college and all the money went toward school and my everyday expenses while I was there. So while it's not like I got off scot free, I obviously had a much easier ride than many of my peers did and I'm grateful to my parents for it.

Re: How do I stop hating myself?

belladonna_took - 2015-10-29 05:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: How do I stop hating myself?

(Anonymous) - 2015-10-29 14:46 (UTC) - Expand

Okay, so I might have posted here before about it, but I'm seriously interested in some advice here. Here are the signs.

-My brother was diagnosed with it. However, my Mom pulled me out of school and homeschooled me after kindergarten. I never received a diagnosis. I've heard it's harder to see in girls.
-When I'm on the computer, I'm constantly switching tabs. Writing a story, 2 mins. Reading Reddit, 2 mins. Watching a TV show, 3 mins. I don't stop doing that.
-I can achieve a "hyperfocus" on my work and get a lot done. It's extremely hard to do and when it is broken it takes ~1-2 hours to get it started in the same way again. It also only works for one subject. I move away from that subject, it's broken.
-I lose track of my body. When I'm distracted think about something else I will bang against things, drop things, hit things I'm carrying against the walls, etc. I got into a car accident my first few months of driving when I got distracted by something on the side of the road.
-I have trouble sitting in class and sitting still so I'm constantly twitching. I'm 20, so the teachers think I am impatient and don't like what they're saying.

If it is, what can I do about it? I read online that doctors are reluctant to prescribe and treat for it.

I think you should just go to a doctor and tell them all of this and see what they say. Srs.

You would either speak to your family doctor, or if you're at college, someone at health services. Don't diagnose online or avoid medical help just because you read something online.

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[ SECRET POST #3220 ]

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