fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3226 ]

[ SECRET POST #3226 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3226 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[Animal Crossing]

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03.

[Steven Universe]

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04.

[Excess Baggage]

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05.

[Sue Perkins]

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06.

[Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans]

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07.

[Vin Diesel]

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08.

[Hemlock Grove]

Notes:

Sorry about early, have stuff to do!

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 026 secrets from Secret Submission Post #461.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'd leave them. Though I'd be wary they would accuse you of rape afterwards.

I'm not going to leave her. I love her. I hope she can get on board with a life without sex every again, though, because I am not willing to feel like this ever again.

LEAVE HER.

You're only fucking yourself up if you stay. That's not a relationship that can stay healthy.

LEAVE HER. Seriously. I don't think you could get a bigger red flag than this.

You might be right. But what is it a red flag for? For her emotional state? You think I should leave someone who is in an emotionally distressed situation? What about the other possibility? what if it's a red flag for my behaviour? You think I should go out into the world and look for someone who won't have a problem with the way I am? What if what I end up looking for is someone to victimize? No, either this is a red flag for her problems, or mine, either way the way forward is to stay with the woman I love and fix it.

Holy fuck stop second-guessing right now before you drive yourself insane.

You two had sex. Consensual sex that she enjoyed. That's by definition not fucking rape. Except now that she's telling you it felt like rape. It's still not fucking rape. You've done nothing wrong. But there might be something wrong with her, and you need to bail bail bail, because she's clearly either got some issues to work out, or quite possibly she's playing a head game on you. Or both, in which case you super double need to bail.

You can't fix other people. Never, ever. You can only fix what's wrong with you, and that's it. And, in this instance, it sounds like she's the one with the issues. Her issues are her own, and only she can fix them.

If you love her, it's up to you if you stay with her. But don't think you can fix her.

If you're going to stay, then get professional counselling. You both need to consider long and hard why you're in this relationship, and what you BOTH want out of it.

stay with her. you know what kind of man runs away from a woman when things get difficult?

Shut the fuck up. This isn't "difficult." This is unhealthy.

So go into therapy, if ever a situation was made for couples and individual both, this is it.

OP doesn't want to, though. OP is clearly dealing with some major self-inflicted guilt and just wants to keep things hush hush.

I feel bad for them.

Trollllllll. Why don't you go do something productive with your life? Go clean litter off the street, or something.

This response is too generic to be useful. There are many, many situations where leaving a relationship is a very good idea. You don't have to stick with a relationship that's so difficult you no longer want to be part of it.

Bravo for facing the possibility that your GF's response to you may have something to do with your own behavior. The fact that you're here, saying the things you are, and willing to take responsibility if need be, tends to suggest it's probably far more to do with your GF's issues than your own sexual behavior. However, it's so important that you're willing to consider all the possibilities.

As far as things go, I have a friend who once told me that it felt like rape every time she had sex with the first three guys she had sex with (all of them boyfriends of hers). I definitely think that had mainly to do with her own issues, but that doesn't mean it had nothing to do with the guys, either.

I think it can be hard for guys to understand what sex can be like for some women (note I said SOME not ALL). Here you are, alone and often in a vulnerable position with someone who is way stronger than you, and who is part of a group (male) that, statistically, does the group you're a part of (female) a lot of physical harm. The only reason they aren't raping you is because they're choosing not to. If they wanted to, you probably couldn't stop them, and your support system and the legal system may not support you if this person did rape you. So really, it's not that they won't rape you; it's that they haven't yet. Is that because they're a decent person who genuinely cares for you? Or are they only a decent person until you piss them off? What would it take for them to become not such a decent person? You just don't know, and you never want to find out.

It's (presumably) easy for most men to look inside themselves and say "I would never, ever rape a woman." But we women can't have that certainty. A woman who is absolutely certain that a particular man would never rape her is a trusting woman. Is says good things about her relationship and about her ability to trust. But what she has is, ultimately, a false sense of security. Because she can't know for sure.

I mean, you can't know for sure that your GF won't stab you in the gut one day. The difference is that only a minuscule number of men are ever stabbed in the gut by their GF's/wives, whereas a pretty scary number of women (8.8% according to one fairly reputable 2014 study) are beaten/raped by their BF's/husbands. If 8.8% of men were stabbed by their GF's/wives in their lifetimes (with no certainty that the law would do anything about it), think of how scary it would be to risk pissing her off.

So there you are, trying to be intimate and loving with this person who you genuinely care for, but depending on who you are, it's not always easy to forget that, as Louis CK says, "there is no greater threat to women than men."

Louis CK here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDh4qk1Tl8k
Source of the 8.8% stat here: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6308a1.htm

a pretty scary number of women (8.8% according to one fairly reputable 2014 study) are beaten/raped by their BF's/husbands

The 8.8% statistic actually accounts only for rape. I added the "beaten" part in last moment, because I don't like the implication that rape is the only kind of violence that is potentially getting in the way of trust and intimacy between some women and some men. But the stats for partner/spousal abuse are a whole other thing, not included in that 8.8%.

SA

Finally, while I admire your commitment to your GF, I think you should be prepared for the serious possibility that it's just not going to work out with her.

It's possible that the way she feels when you two have sex can be worked through with some therapy and a lot of talking through it and trust exercises. But it's also possible that none of that stuff will change much about the way she feels. And in that case, you'll be doing yourself a real disservice by staying.

The friend I had who felt similarly about her first three BF's ended up marrying a guy who she could be comfortable with sexually. Basically, she's just a really quiet, introverted kind of person, and while she's drawn to guys with more dominant personalities, the way that translated in the bedroom was as someone who was unwantedly dominant (simply by default of being more dominant than her) and who she just couldn't connect with. The guy she ended up with is even more quiet and introverted than she is. They're relationship is not all that passionate, but I guess she doesn't feel like he's dominating her, either. Point being, it wasn't the previous guys bedroom behaviors that were the problem; it was their entire personalities - not because they were bad guys (I knew them; I liked them), but because they were naturally more forceful, assertive people than she was, and I think that translated to a bad experience in the bedroom for her.

I'm going to disagree with the anons above, and also caution you at the same time, and say: don't make a decision about this just yet. This is not a good time to make that decision.

This does not sound like an easy situation. Therapy would be good, either just for her, or with both of you (or both kinds if feasible). If you both want to stay together, be serious about deciding whether you both can and understand that it might not work out because this is a big fucking deal. If one or both of you wants to break it off after some time has passed and the dust has settled, then it's probably best to part ways.

Dude... this is the stupist shit I ever heard. No trollface. I'm being serious now.

There is one exepction to this rule: If she's got this hangup because of something that's happened to her in the past (such as rape), then she clearyl needs therapy, if she wants sex but experiences those feelings. You haven't mentioned anything like that, so either she hasn't told you or that's not it. If it is something like that, see a therapist as a couple. Not addressing the issue means it will fester.

But more likely, it's more personal from what you've told us so far. There may not be anything actually wrong with you, or her. I don't know. But obviously SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE RELATIONSHIP! If an act that should be one of intimacy and love with you illicits those feelings in her, that means something. Unless it's that she's been asexual all along, and I doubt it, that means there's something about you that's making her say internally "This is not the right one! This is not right!" And that's probably more then you having an ugly dick or something. There is something not right between you. And it's so deep your both better going off and finding people with whom there are no such feelings.

If it's that second one, there's no saving this. You might delay it for a while, but it will end. Probably harder then it needed to. Leave her. The fact she told you this means it's probably over.

The answer is not WE MUST EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN BECAUSE YOU MADE ME FEEL BAD FOR MAKING YOU FEEL BAD!" That's not a healthy relationship* The answer is communication on both your parts and perhaps some therapy so she can get over what she already recognizes as irrational feelings and you can get over your irrational guilt.

*Unless neither of you actually have sex drives (and not just because things are uncomfortable now) and were just doing it out of perceived obligation, that is.

Withholding sex is a form of sexual abuse, tho. Not telling you what to do, just letting you know that that isn't the way to stop her feeling abused.

LOL what? Are you serious? So if a girlfriend isn't in the mood for sex, she still has to because withholding sex is a form of sexual abuse? Please.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3226 ]

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