Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2015-12-12 04:53 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2015-12-12 04:53 pm
[ SECRET POST #3265 ]
⌈ Secret Post #3265 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 075 secrets from Secret Submission Post #467.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2- not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: looking for a grammar/language beta
As always with my edits, these are just suggestions. Feel free to push back or suggest alternate approaches.
next Chief. But Stoick fell in a desperate fight, and now they're alone and stranded in the middle of nowhere, so they need to make the funeral
What do you mean by "wreckage"?
plenty of dry wood,
Hiccup still has
With the dragons and the army gone,
You seem to be going for terse, clipped phrasing, like it's difficult to find words for the sorrow of Stoick's death. There are points where it's too clipped, but I'll generally respect it even where it's slightly grammatically incorrect. No one will care too much.
Stoick is laid to rest
Gobber places it reverently on
hammered from half
I'm struggling with the helmet paragraph--it feels like there are too many commas, but it's hard to reduce them without large changes. Maybe Seeing the Queen Dragon five years ago, hearing Hiccup and Astrid explain how the monster would force other dragons to feed it what they had caught, reopened Stoick's wound. Now he
son slew the monster, freeing the other dragons and ending the war, didn't bring him peace, but at least gave him closure.
You use the word "monster" a lot. See if you can substitute any other words at certain points, like "beast" or "fiend."
reunion. Gobber
"body" is repeated. A change might bring emphasis: standing alive before her husband's corpse.
For twenty years, he never, ever parted
stood by Stoick's side all that time. He
What exactly do you mean to emphasize with "how he was left to take care of Hiccup"? Are you saying that he tried to put on a brave face for Hiccup and not show his pain? I want to be sure before I make any suggestions.
house had burned down
possessions, but Stoick
helmet in order
him every day
hours ago did
Now the helmet is
his heart as I was unsure of this one. I think it falls under rule 3c here: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
fell in this last
That's the first pass. I'd like to see how that looks before I make any more suggestions.
Do you know how to use Google Docs? I find it a lot more intuitive to suggest edits in that.
If it counts for anything, I thought this was well-written. I don't have the context to appreciate it, but it seems like it would really tug at the heartstrings.
Re: looking for a grammar/language beta
What do you mean by "wreckage"?
I don't know what you may have learned about the movie, I don't want to spoil even more. Without giving out too much, an armada attacked then retreated so I figured any ship they left behind had been damaged--not shipwrecked per se because it was in shallow waters, but... I don't know what word I should use, they're standing on what left of a battlefield full of debris on a shore.
Re: "monster" and "body"; in my native language I would have avoided repetiting the same word but I was under the impression--maybe mistaken--that in English it didn't matter as much? But I can change it, of course.
What exactly do you mean to emphasize with "how he was left to take care of Hiccup"? Are you saying that he tried to put on a brave face for Hiccup and not show his pain? I want to be sure before I make any suggestions.
That Stoick was on his own to raise Hiccup as a single parent--while still taking care of the entire village and I didn't know how to work in that it takes a village to raise a child, with disastrous results with Hiccup, or that Gobber maybe stepped in as a honorary uncle or something
and argh, run on sentence, where do I stop?Do you know how to use Google Docs? I find it a lot more intuitive to suggest edits in that.
Nope, sorry, I don't.
If it counts for anything, I thought this was well-written. I don't have the context to appreciate it, but it seems like it would really tug at the heartstrings.
Thank you so very much, for the beta, the suggestions and the kind words. I hope you can see the second movie someday!
Re: looking for a grammar/language beta
Some of the paragraph spacing is screwed up.
their reunion. Gobber Did I already suggest this one?
mourned silently, how he stood strong for Hiccup and didn't show his pain. Working in something about how he failed Hiccup as a parent seems like it would be a distraction at this point.
That's the second pass.
For future reference, it feels like there are too many commas. It would be good to experiment more with sentences that don't use commas. I'd leave that for another time, though--this feels good enough as it is, and I don't want to mutilate it too much.
I'll look at the Fullmetal Alchemist one tomorrow.