[ SECRET POST #3314 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3314 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 072 secrets from Secret Submission Post #474.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

under the cut for mention of panic attacks and a maybe reference to suicide

Re: vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

>start having a panic attack on video chat with my gf
>she doesn't know what to say so says very little
>silence or one-two word responses make me panic more when I'm around people and freaking out
>ask her if she wants to hang up, she says nothing
>i snap if she is just going to watch me to at least say something
>she starts crying cause that was a terrible thing for me to say
>i fucked up
>my mom was right I am a bad person
>i wish for death

Re: vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

This does not deserve death.

She probably giving one or two word responses because she either had no idea you were having a panic attack and wasn't sure how to respond. Probably didn't know the right thing to say to help you and thought being quiet would help you calm down or something.

Obviously snapping at her didn't help, hence why she was crying. You don't need to beat yourself up over it, but you do need to make a simple apology.

"Sorry, gf, I was having a panic attack, it wasn't okay to snap at you like that b/c you didn't know." Something along those lines. A reasonable human being will understand, even if they are still upset.

Like, if it was the other way around and your gf snapped at you b/c she was having a panic attack, would your response to her be: "Well, you obviously deserve to die. Go kill yourself." I would hope not!

Also, obviously, I'd figure out what triggered the panic attack. And see a therapist if/when you can see one.

Re: vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

i did apologize but she is still upset and i am a terrible person and want to die
she didnt know what to say (she could definitely tell cause i hyperventilate and hit myself when i have panic attacks) and I knew that but i lashed out anyway im a bad person

and I have tried to get into therapy but im having trouble with my health insurance atm so i gotta wait until that is sorted out haha

Re: vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

I'll grant you, that did not go well. But you're not a bad person and neither is your girlfriend, it's just that neither of you seem to know how to handle situations like this. What you need to do is talk about it calmly and kindly, at a time when you're NOT having a panic attack.

* Does she know what a panic attack is and how it feels? If not, tell her what you're feeling and what's going through your head when you're having one.

* Apologize and stress that it wasn't her fault, you snapped because you were panicking, and you will work to see that it doesn't happen again.

* Does she want to help you? I'm assuming she does and simply doesn't know what to do or what to say. It's very common, and no big deal. That's what this discussion is about.

* The two of you work out a plan of what to do for your next panic attack. You need to signal her that you're having one. If "I'm having a panic attack" is not something you can say, come up with a code word. For example, if you say, "The celery stalks at midnight" or just "celery", that's her clue that you're having a panic attack.

* Be very, very clear about what you'd like her to do or say when you're having a panic attack. Explain that when people clam up, it makes you feel worse.

* Recognize that while she might want to help you, it's hard to carry on a conversation all by yourself while your boyfriend is freaking out on skype. My suggestion? You should both choose a book you both like, an old favorite perhaps. Maybe something you loved as a child and still love. When you signal that you're having a panic attack, that's her cue to crack open the book and start reading. That way, you get the reassurance of her voice, the comfort of that story, and she doesn't have to rack her brain for what to say.

* Also come up with a code word for when the panic attack is over, or just tell her outright. Be sure to thank her for her help and tell you that you love her.


This is true for every relationship you have: COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you want/need something, you have to ask for it, politely. No guessing games, no suffering in silence and hoping she reads your mind. The same is true, vice versa. She has the right to say yes or no, but you need to use your words and tell her what you need.

Re: vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

well
-she knows what panic attacks are and can tell when I'm having them (as said above, its very obvious, I hit myself)
-i did apologize but she's still upset (i mean she's asleep now but she was upset with me the whole rest of the call) and I still feel like a bad person I probably am one
-I've told her before that that people being quiet makes it worse but she never knows what to say
- i might bring the book idea up to her
-nitpick (you had no way of knowing) I'm her girlfriend not her boyfriend

Re: vent vent vent

[(Anonymous)]

On top of everyone else's helpful advice, definitely seconding having a system with your girlfriend so that she has a go to of something like a book or an anecdote that she can just start saying when you get into a panic attack.

Since you know your girlfriend is having a hard time knowing how to react, you could also try to work out a way to deal with panic attacks with her in particular, like focusing on looking at a particular body part while doing what you need to do to calm down. And if you go this route, make sure you tell her that's what you're going to do when you have a panic attack so she doesn't get self conscious.

If you guys can't work out a system like that, another option is to look away from your girlfriend when you feel the panic building so her silence doesn't affect you as much.

Whatever you decide to do, have a calm conversation about it with your girlfriend prior. Let her know that it's not her fault and it's something you're trying to work on, and then work on it. Thinking of working on your anxiety as an aspect of working on your relationship might actually help you make progress, as it might make it seem less personal and more like a job, i.e. something you don't necessarily like doing or would choose to do on your own, but something you have to do because that's how life works.

Disclaimer: layman's advice. Don't have personal experience with panic attacks, but have plenty experience with working on anxiety issues and working through relationship problems. Add whatever size salt grain you feel is warranted.

PS: if you only take one piece of advice from this whole thread, the advice to stop catastrophising is a gem. That shit never helps anyone, and once you start being able to challenge those thoughts a lot of things will start seeming easier.