fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3329 ]

[ SECRET POST #3329 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3329 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 055 secrets from Secret Submission Post #476.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Or did, but still had shitty ways of showing it?

My response below.

When I was really young, I used to be friends with someone I'm pretty sure was a sociopath. We play-fought sometimes, and I eventually realized the reason I always lost was that I wasn't trying to seriously hurt him and he didn't care one way or another if he seriously hurt me. The only person who mattered to him was himself, and everyone around him was his tool or his plaything.

Wow. What a creepy realization. I'm sorry.

I never had anything that extreme, but I had a friend who would trick me into doing stuff for laughs. One time I ordered pizza when she was over, and she said "ask if they have pizza with onion rings on it." (I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was something weird like that.) I was humiliated but went along with it because she'd asked me to and wanted it, and then when I got off she started laughing and said, "I never said that. You misunderstood." I bought it then, but now it's obvious she was taking advantage of me for giggles.

My ex. When it finally sunk in, I realized that she'd mentally broken up with me years before, she'd just been stringing me along to get money out of me.

I had a friend who was the "shitty" part of this post. She always said she loved me like a sister, and I know she did, but... she also thought I needed to be fixed. She had good points - for one thing, I was incredibly naive for my age, and for another, I was always worried about doing the "wrong" thing. But how she handled it was another story.

For instance, one time she insisted if we were going to go to New York together, I had to be willing to go to clubs until 4 AM with her because that's what mature people do. She assured me it's not just bad people who drink. That's not even what I thought; I just wasn't interested in getting drunk and clubbing until 4 AM. It was stuff like that - she was right that I needed to loosen up, but I needed to loosen up my way, not hers.

I think in the end she just didn't get me, but thought it was my fault she didn't get me.

Sounds like she wanted a Mini-Me, instead of realizing that you were a different person and therefore not exactly like her.

It sounds like you just weren't compatible, and you were both frustrated by that. The way you've described this, it doesn't sound like she was pressuring you because she was a bad person. It sounds like she was pressuring you because she knew if she couldn't get you to "loosen up" the friendship wasn't going to work out. Maybe she should have realized that sooner and just given up, but I think it can be pretty hard to know it right away when you're just not compatible with someone.

I had a friend who I think was actually well-meaning, but they were just so bad at being sympathetic that I stopped talking to them when I got depression because they couldn't turn off that part of them that insisted on being right all the time. We were both strongly religious, but of different religions, and while that was something we initially bonded over, I realised that they weren't good for me when I was having a really bad day because of religious and family obligations, and instead of trying to cheer me up or anything, they started telling me how dumb my religion is. And I felt bad about calling them out for it!

It got to the point that just seeing a notification of a message from them instantly triggered a depressed feeling in me, even when I was getting better. After I stopped talking to them, I had nightmares for a month about them chasing me down and making me feel bad about myself all over again. I can't believe how badly they scarred me, thinking back on it, especially because I do think they genuinely liked me. They were just really bad at the whole friendship thing.

Sounds like they were also manipulative - whether or not they realized it. Definitely wasn't your fault!

(Actually, this sounds a lot like a friend I had in my fandom days.)

I hope both for their sake and others that they've since realized how they were behaving and made efforts to fix it.

(Completely unrelated: your icon is super pretty, what's it from?)

Re: Anyone ever realized someone never had your best interests at heart?

badass_tiger - 2016-02-15 07:42 (UTC) - Expand

Yeah, my parents. I've had a lot of revelations about them and my childhood in the past few months, and those have been some bitter pills to swallow.

Ditto, though replace months with years.

Same here.

It sucks when it feels like you've been in a twenty year one-sided relationship where you've done nothing but give love, support and loyalty while receiving little to none in return, but somehow get all of the blame for the fact that the relationship failed.

My older brother is a manipulative narcissist. He's emotionally abusive and I am better off without him in my life. The last time I saw him he called me fat and ugly. I was 20. And 5'6" and 110 lbs.

My mother, bless her heart, likes to pretend that I'm horrible for staying away from that nutjob.

Good for you for cutting him out of your life. He sounds like an @hole

I had an online friend who was funny and cool and a riot to hang out with. But after a while I realized that she was only around if there was nothing going on in her life. If she was bored, then I'd get twenty PMs in half an hour. If she had something to do, I wouldn't hear from her for days. When she had problems, she expected me to be there to listen to her vent or help her out in some way. When I had problems, she was busy, ttyl. If I had work to do and she wanted attention? PM and after PM until I gave her what she wanted.

In the end I had to distance myself a little. She was still my friend, but I realized that she wasn't as invested into the friendship as I thought, and there was no point in me putting in so much effort when she didn't reciprocate. So we'd still chat several times a week, but I declined to ignore my work and sleep for the friendship. Of course, she noticed. Her reaction told me all I needed to know. *I* was the selfish, cold one, and *I* had abandoned *her*, blah blah blah. I wished her well and peaced out of there.

That sucks.

I honestly can understand spending more time online when there's not much going on IRL. But if you're going to deliberately form a friendship with someone and expect them to be there when you need them etc. it has to go both ways. People you meet online ARE real people, not free therapy machines. I guess it's easy for some people to not realize this because they never meet them face-to-face (not that this never happens in meatspace either, of course...).

Sounds like a friend I had to ditch a couple years ago. Except she'd threaten to kill herself until somebody gave her what she wanted.

Yep.

I was close friends with a guy for about a year before he suddenly dropped me because he was tired of waiting for me to date him/fuck him/both. We had had a conversation towards the beginning of our friendship in which he indicated his interest, I declined, and he said he still wanted to be friends, and I really liked him as a friend so I took him at his word. The end of the friendship came out of the blue and upset me for a couple of days but honestly? he was a shitty friend all along if he was just waiting for me to change my mind about sleeping with him.

Bonus points: he was married. Separated, and in a situation where IMO he should have just bitten the bullet and gotten a divorce (and then joined OKCupid or something) but still legally married, and living with her too (for economic reasons and for the sake of their daughter).

You dodged a bullet there.

Re: Anyone ever realized someone never had your best interests at heart?

diet_poison - 2016-02-15 16:55 (UTC) - Expand

My ex-girlfriend. The only interests of mine she had at heart was the kind my savings account earned. Once she used up as much of my (very meager but still more financially stable than hers) money she could convince me to shell out for her because I was a dumbass, she kicked me out and skipped off into the sunset (with someone I suspect she'd been cheating on me with, but could never prove it).

My ex-friend. She claimed that she loved and cared for me as a friend, but as soon as she got a boyfriend, she left me in the dust. I think I was just a distraction. But she and the boyfriend eventually broke up, so I've got the last laugh.

Re: Anyone ever realized someone never had your best interests at heart?

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-15 03:52 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Anyone ever realized someone never had your best interests at heart?

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-15 04:16 (UTC) - Expand

My ex-girlfriend. Cheated on me more than once and dumped me gracelessly, both as a girlfriend and a friend, for the person she cheated on me with. :/ Honestly, I was only ever there as someone to help pick her up with her depression, yet she would belittle my own issues and insulted me on several occasions. Possessive and jealous with a big superiority-complex.

Tbh, getting dumped by her was one of the best things that happened to me. After the first few rough months, I suddenly realized how much more free I felt without her. Adios ex-gf.

Yes, my family and everyone that I believed were my friends.

I had a friend/co-worker who I used to hang out with. She was fun and we liked many of the same things. We'd know each other for a few years and everything seemed fine. We'd so see a movie or hang out at least once or twice a week.
Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I spent four years dealing with watching him die slowly. I didn't want to hang out or do anything after his death, but I was dealing with the grief in my own way and did seek outside help from a doctor to get help.
My friend/co-worker was pissed off. I didn't want to go see movies for quite a while. I wanted to work on healing, and I told her that it wasn't anything against her. I just didn't feel like I could be out doing stuff yet. And later, I had some issues with chronic illness and depression that affected my work.
I found out, not too long ago, that she was talking shit about me to everyone at work. She was making up reasons why I wasn't there (she told my boss's boss that I was just avoiding work because I hated it -- which isn't true at all), telling people about medical issues I have that I told her in confidence (one of them is very embarrassing and is a major reason that I don't date anyone), and spreading lie all around our workplace about me. The final straw was when I found out she met my best friend for dinner just to bitch about me. My best friend told her, "I don't know what your problem is, but I don't talk about people behind their backs. If you have a problem with her, go talk to her."
We both still work in the same place and I'll be nice, but I'll never trust her with anything again. It makes me feel sick to know that I'm probably not the only person she treated like this, but it makes me happy to know that my best friend didn't fall for her backstabbing.

Re: Anyone ever realized someone never had your best interests at heart?

diet_poison - 2016-02-15 16:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Anyone ever realized someone never had your best interests at heart?

(Anonymous) - 2016-02-16 03:04 (UTC) - Expand

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