fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3354 ]

[ SECRET POST #3354 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3354 ⌋

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[Yu-Gi-Oh]

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09. [ warning for homophobia / transphobia / misogyny take your pick, people seem to be divided on this one ]

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So my sister is getting married next month. And she just today talked with our dad about walking her down the aisle. He had assumed that she didn't want him to since isn't taking her fiance's name. And she had just assumed he would and didn't realize that some people don't do that I guess?

Anyway, am I wrong to be confused? Confused that she, someone who isn't taking her fiance's name, not only wants dad to do that but never even considered that this was a thing that not everyone does?

I mean, I personally would never, ever want him to do that. I personally hate the tradition and find it offensive. But I'm not going to say other people shouldn't do what they want. I'm just confused?

I have never seen someone not do it unless they had no father. In which case they walked down with someone else. I would find it weird but to do it. You just walk down the aisle by yourself??

I've seen many brides walk down by themselves?

Yes? No one is giving me away. Unless my fiance's father and mother were standing with him as well, in which case I might do it with my father and mother. Otherwise, I can't see any reason to do it. It entirely stems from when women were owned by their fathers until they were given away to their husbands.

Honestly I'm not even sure about walking down the aisle. I go back and forth on that one. But I get it. The idea that modern women, even ones who don't take their husbands names, want to be given away by their fathers just confuses me.

Re: Question

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-11 04:17 (UTC) - Expand

In Sweden it's more traditional for the bride and bridegroom to walk down together.

I can only assume that the connection that you find so distasteful between not taking his last name, and dad not walking her down the aisle, is the "giving away the bride" thing?

Frankly, I see no reason that she can't have dad walk her down the aisle as a show of support, even if he isn't "giving" her away to someone. Hell, have the whole family march her down the aisle if that's what she wants. It's traditional to include dad in the event. Maybe she just wants a more traditional ceremony. Did you ask her?

I do think she should have made her wishes clear at some earlier point, though.

This. It doesn't have to be about giving "property," but rather about someone you love seeing you into another phase of your life. And sure, in that case it doesn't have to be limited to the dad but there's nothing wrong with it either.

Yeah this. And I say this as someone who is very feminist but definitely wants my dad to walk me down the aisle. It's not because he "owns" me and in fact he's fairly liberal and has always been great at respecting my autonomy and has never treated me like his property in anyway (one of many reasons I love him). It's because he's one of the most important people in my life and I want him to be part of it in this way.

Traditions aren't all bad. Some have really skeevy origins but they can be treated in an entirely different way in the modern world. I like some traditions and eschew others and basically it's up for each individual getting married how they want their wedding to go.

Re: Question

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-11 05:32 (UTC) - Expand

I don't think it's that confusing to want to include your parents in your wedding. I don't think that tradition necessarily has to mean anything but, "Hey, this is a person who raised me and now they are helping to usher me into my future."

These days there's so much that's changing that traditions hardly mean anything at all. Wearing white sure doesn't mean the bride is a virgin. It probably just means she wants to wear a nice dress. Throwing flowers, cutting cake, having speeches... people choosing their wedding parties... I've been to quite a few weddings now, and they've all been as varied and personal as the couples.

If we were still doing things the traditional way we'd have certain colors of roses that we couldn't use and like... an amount of time that couples must be engaged beforehand, and a specific dowry price.

Marriage hardly means what it used to lol.

Exactly. I think what matters more in a wedding is that you can see that the couple is doing what they want and that they are enjoying themselves.

Meanwhile, I'd want my dad to walk me down the aisle if only because it would mean a lot to him, more of a chance for him to show off how proud he is of me. He and I didn't have the best relationship growing up but for him to walk me, it would show an incredible sign of respect between the two of us.

It's not about the giving me away part, it's about him standing up there for me.

Re: Question

herpymcderp - 2016-03-11 00:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Question

shortysc22 - 2016-03-11 00:53 (UTC) - Expand

From what I understand, white wedding dresses weren't originally supposed to signify virginity either, they were supposed to signify the bride was rich enough to be able to afford to imitate Queen Victoria and have a fancy white dress made that she'd never wear again. Then it retroactively became about virginity.

Re: Question

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-11 04:19 (UTC) - Expand

Maybe it's because it's easier to divorce from its original meaning than taking a husband's name? I never needed anyone to explain what a woman taking her husband's name implied, but I never knew the father escorting the daughter was supposed to symbolize "transferring ownership" of her to her husband until someone told me. I thought it was just another tradition for the sake of tradition, like the presence of bridesmaids and a best man and flower girls (all of which might also have some offensive meaning I still don't know).

Also, it's an action that's over and done with while taking a name is permanent. Maybe your sister just thinks it would be nice to walk together with your dad because he's important to her.

I'm not sure how the two things are connected. She's getting married and wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. What does that have to do with taking her husband's name?

she didn't want him to since isn't taking her fiance's name

I don't get the connection?

they are both tied into historical sexist assumptions about women being owned by their husbands. If she isnt' taking his name, why would she feel the need to be given away to him?

Re: Question

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-11 00:48 (UTC) - Expand

I honestly do not see how they're necessarily related?

I mean yes, if you reduce it to "i don't like patriarchal traditions", but I'd never assume they MUST go together.

I would personally never change my name because I like it, and sometimes that all it is - not like, part of a cluster of things you dislike? maybe to her it's about sharing her special day with her dad?

I never actually thought of the two things being connected.

There's certain practical reasons for taking/not taking one's spouse's name in addition to the non-practical reasons of tradition and beliefs. If I married, I'd have to give the name thing some thought, since I've built up a professional life under my own name and I'd definitely want to keep working under my current name, regardless of what my legal name is. However, I'd definitely want my dad to walk me down the aisle because I love him and it's a way of involving him and I think he'd be touched. It's more about him than me.

Maybe she hates some traditions and are okay with others? People can often be like that, they pick and choose. Are you not close with your sister or something, because I feel like this is something you'd probably know by... talking to her.

I'm confused reading this? Why is it your concern?

Seriously, this reads like one of THOSE Dear Abby letters. The ones where the only logical response is "how is it any of your business what your sister does at her wedding?"

Re: Question

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-11 04:20 (UTC) - Expand

My father is dead. My sister had my mother and her now-husband's mother walk her down the aisle, one to each side of her. For her it was more about a show of support than about being "given" to her husband. I'm sure your sister has reasons why she wants your father to be part of the ceremony, and it doesn't have to be connected to the historical meaning or to whether or not she is going to take his name.

to me they're different things.

one you have to change your name, so that can mess with work/documents/etc. it's a marker of your identity that gets changed for life.

two having your dad walk you down the aisle is involving a family member you love in a special event for you.

idk, I think I'd like my dad to walk me down the aisle of my wedding (and my mom). I think it's cute, but I respect people who don't wish to do it.

If both you and your dad see your sister not taking her fiancé's name as some huge strike in the name of feminism akin to 1970s bra burning, then I can understand your confusion. But it's 2016, and it's not that big of a deal. Lots of women prefer to keep their family name. And some of those women don't see the whole "dad walking me down the aisle" as a romanticized cattle auction, either. Maybe she views it as a nice last gesture of support from your dad.

Maybe everyone should stop making assumptions and just ask the bride to be what her plans are? Seems like that would put an end to all the confusion.

To be honest, I'm not sure you're so much confused as you are being highly judgmental. This isn't a puzzling decision to most people in the thread, and that ought to give you a clue. Of course, if you're radfem anon, then kudos because this is a more subtle troll than you usually manage to pull off.

Re: Question

(Anonymous) - 2016-03-11 16:55 (UTC) - Expand

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