fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3467 ]

[ SECRET POST #3467 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3467 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Epic Rap Battles of History, Ben Atha, Ivan Campo]

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03. [SPOILERS for Game of Thrones]

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04. [SPOILERS for Orange is the New Black season 4]

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05. [WARNING for abuse]

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06. [WARNING for discussion of abortion]

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07. [WARNING for incest]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #495.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big (spoilers) ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The usual type of thread we have for questions you might have or advice you might want to ask for.

Okay I'm going to get made fun of for this but. Other het people: how do you get to a place where you think of yourself as being attractive?

Because I have a lot of issues with self-image, but I feel like it's exacerbated by the fact that on a basic level I'm not attracted at all to people of my own gender and so it's really hard to identify traits that would be attractive because ???? I'm not into that and I don't really understand it.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I know it's a silly issue to have.

I dunno, I don't think my judgement of "attractive" is the same as the actual attraction. Like I think I have a pretty good idea of who I'd be attracted to if I were into women.

I also think there's think most people find aesthetically pleasing - like symmetry in faces, good proportions etc.

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(Anonymous) - 2016-07-02 00:01 (UTC) - Expand

I'm not het, but I think the answer to your question is to stop comparing yourself to others. Someone will always lose. If it's them, you'll feel smug, and if it's you, you'll feel inadequate. Not a very pleasant way to live.

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SA

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(Anonymous) - 2016-07-02 02:52 (UTC) - Expand

Really well fitting clothes are the closest I get.

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(Anonymous) - 2016-07-02 00:17 (UTC) - Expand

What kallenda_lee said. I'm a straight women, but I can easily identify what traits I find attractive in other women. And that's only the physical ones, intangible traits are even easier to identify because they are traits I find admirable, enviable or just downright cool: confidence, kindness/empathy, a sense of humor, intelligence, being well read, being passionate about an interest, being a considerate person, etc. etc.

Honestly, other people showing attraction or telling me I look aesthetically pleasing in some way has made me feel attractive.

If you want help on how you look, I'd suggest seeking advice from professionals - like hair stylists - or women whom people find attractive. Maybe do some research on how to dress different body shapes. Try a What Not to Wear book. Play around with color and work out what looks good on you - what compliments the tone of your skin and color of your eyes. (Speaking of WNTW, notice how they don't just say "have confidence!" and suddenly the person doesn't look frumpy? They get the person out of the frumpy clothes and say "You look great!" and then the person gains confidence. Ignore people who try to make this into a 100% self-esteem problem. That steers you away from recognizing practical problems with practical solutions.)

lol as a gay person I find this thread kind of amusing because I have the opposite problem of distinguishing what I find attractive because I want to look like that person versus what I find attractive because I want to date that person

okay but not everyone finds the same things attractive, so you identifying traits that people could find attractive is useless. there's also bearing/habits that could factor in on someone finding you attractive (like maybe you look super cute laughing or you have a really sexy stance)....

I'm going to France in two weeks and my parents are still trying to make me cancel my trip. I love them to bits, they're good parents, and I understand where their concern is coming from, but it's getting really tiresome and I don't know what else I can say to them. I already told them I'd text them every day, promised not to go out late at night, gave them my travel itinerary, and the number and address of the hotel I'm staying at, but they're still telling me it's too dangerous for a girl to travel alone and I'm gonna get lost and kidnapped or something. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? What did you tell your parents?

How about telling them it's your money, your life, and your prerogative?

Concern is one thing, but attempting to control your decisions about something as mundane as travelling (and not even to a particularly dangerous place) is quite another.

Don't talk to them until you get there.

Take lots of pictures too!

You could try to make a statistical argument that any of those things happening is incredibly unlikely, and not more likely in France than it is wherever you live (probably).

But at a certain point, if their concerns are irrational, you probably can't reason them out of it. You just have to say, you know, you're going whether or not they like it.

I guess I reassured my parents when the first time I went to Europe by myself I did it with a tour, so they had an emergency number they could contact if they needed to. They absolutely did not contact them, but the reassurance that they could was enough.

I don't think there's really much else you can do. Have you ever traveled by yourself before? I do it all the time so as time has gone on, my parents have worried much less.

Tell them you are going to the store to get a packet of cigarettes.

Re: Questions & Advice

morieris - 2016-07-02 00:21 (UTC) - Expand

tell them you'll ignore them if they don't engage constructively with the situation

then follow through with it.

it frankly sounds presumptuous of them at this point. you don't want to teach them that
a) they can force you to submit to their will beyond what's a reasonable compromise andor b) that they don't need to make an effort to control their feelings.
once you survived your fun France trip they will feel less anxious too.

I dunno, my parents sort of trusted me? I traveled alone since age 16. Though they were rather upset when a terrorist attack happened when I was in India. Understandably so.

You've done all you can to reasonably reassure them. Now you have to gently shut down the conversation every time they bring it up. Remind them you've discussed it already many times and you love them, but you're going on this trip and you're looking forward to telling them all about it when you get back. Change the subject firmly if you have to. Gently, lovingly end the conversation if they persist in bringing it up again.

Your parents are having irrational fears, and there is no magic word to make those irrational fears vanish. Maybe consider texting them silly selfies of you having fun on your trip, because visual confirmation will probably be more soothing than a plain text. But don't cave, and assuming you are an adult who is paying for this trip yourself, don't let them rule your life.

So...how well do you think it would go if you were to tell someone you may have fallen for them.

but your bi, p. sure they're gay? do you think that's homophobic...somehow.

Why would that be homophobic

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Create laws at local level

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