[ SECRET POST #3486 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3486 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



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02.
[Maya Rudolph & Martin Short]


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03.
[Hamilton/South Park]


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04.
[John Spencer]


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05.
[Sliders]


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06.
[Daniel Radcliffe]


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07.
[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]


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08.
[Dune]


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09.
[Assassin's Creed Syndicate]


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10.
[Mulberry]


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11.


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12.


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13. [tb]









Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 28 secrets from Secret Submission Post #498.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice thread

[(Anonymous)]

Lets have one

Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

So I have an issue with deodorant: it will sometimes cause my pores on my underarms to get clogged up and painfully irritated, especially if I am reapplying a lot, which, I live in Texas (thus I sweat a lot) and I am insecure about people thinking I smell bad, so I tend to.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to avoid this, or brands that are gentler on the skin than the big names (but also still work well)

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Use deodorant that's not antiperspirant. No other way around it.

Re: Deodorant Advice

[dancingmouse]

Try organic deodorants? Or alternate forms of deodorizing?

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, like someone else said, use deodorant that doesn't have antiperspirant in it. I like Tom's of Maine deodorants, and they have a bunch of different scents.

Re: Deodorant Advice

[feotakahari]

I can't use deodorant for medical reasons, so I just wipe under my arms with a wet tissue.

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Never tried it myself, but I heard Milk of Magnesia works as a deodorant.

Baking soda is also good (mixed with some coconut oil) but not if you have sensitive armpits.

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

Try Crystal Body Deodorant, or one of those other "stone"-style deodorants that you dampen prior to use. They work great as deodorants, but note, they aren't antiperspirants.

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

+1 to non antiperspirant deodorants

I use Speed Stick Fresh, it's one of the few brands that doesn't give me a massive armpit rash

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

I like this https://www.amazon.com/Green-Tidings-Deodorant-Strength-Protection/dp/B00EOAZZYS/ref=sr_1_2_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1469128902&sr=8-2&keywords=organic+deodorant

Re: Deodorant Advice

[(Anonymous)]

I have a crunchy coworker who swears by Primal Pit Paste, and we, too, are in hot sweaty Texas.

Re: Advice thread

[(Anonymous)]

advice: peanut butter + chocolate. works every time

Re: Advice thread

[nonnymouscawitz]

Can confirm, am sitting next to an 8 pack of Reese's cups.

How to be more firm

[philstar22]

I guess I'm not being firm enough when I say things. Because people, not just my parents, though my main problem right now is with them, talk around me or talk as if what I've said isn't a final decision.

How do I talk more firmly? How do I insist on my decisions and then stick to them even when I'm getting strong responses or even yelling. I don't like people being unhappy. I'm always scared of being unliked. So I have a really hard time pushing back when I get resistance.

Re: How to be more firm

[diet_poison]

I think it can make a difference how your voice sounds, but one of the biggest factors is just saying what you mean and following through. If you say "that is my final decision", act on it. If they argue, repeat "that is my final decision. Let's drop this, or else I'm ending the conversation." and then follow through on that too.

And honestly, if someone is yelling at you when you didn't actually do anything wrong? bugger them, their opinion doesn't matter. I know that can be hard to take to heart, but...I'mma say it anyway. :)

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

Hm. So I think there's two different (not mutually exclusive) approaches that can help you improve at this.

The first is becoming more firm and resolute. And that's hard, especially when you're really conflict averse (I'm like that too!). And I think the only really useful thing there is to try to stick to your guns, and really be focused on the stakes - on the reasons you think you're right and on the upside and on what you're trying to do. And, when you start feeling bad about making someone unhappy, just try to keep those things present in your mind and use them to counterweigh that unhappiness.

The second is getting better at conflict resolution. Now, I don't want to suggest that these conflicts are in any way your fault. But I find that, in dealing with unreasonable people, it can be a lot easier if you find the right way to approach them, and sort of jujitsu their arguments, and structure what you're saying in a way that they can understand, and assuage their concerns. So try reading up on conflict resolution skills. IMO they're really useful to have in general.

Re: How to be more firm

[mrs_don_draper]

I had/have this problem too. Honestly, keep repeating your point in the same manner. Don't budge too much though. If you want it, you have to believe it. And honestly, it's less about you and more about the people you're dealing with. If you're being calm and rational, and they're still not listening or respecting you, then there is nothing else you can do. I am so sorry people feel the need to yell at you to make their point. That's not okay, and if they're adults, they aren't very mature-sounding people. <3

Here's a piece of advice my Mom always tells me and my sister: You're not going to like everybody, and not everybody is going to like you. And that's okay. (The mantra really works after a few tries.)

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

You're not responsible for managing other people's feelings.

You're not responsible for other people's reactions.

Asserting yourself is just making your stance known. It doesn't mean arguing or getting nasty with folks who don't agree with what you say.

I don't know if you can talk 'more firmly.' I think you just need to say what you're going to do, and ignore what people think or what you think they are thinking. If they're yelling, tell them you won't stand for being yelled at. If they're objecting strongly, say it's your decision and/or that the topic is closed. If they're shocked you went through with your decision, just remind them that you said you were going to do it.

I understand wanting to back down in the presence of resistance and/or the absence of support. If you go through with something, it's always possible someone won't like you for it. But if you back down, then you get screwed. Whichever way you choose, you're the one who has to live with the decision. But I know from experience that a life of least resistance isn't much of a life at all.

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

Practice saying 'no' and variations of 'I'm not discussing this any longer' in the mirror. Picture yourself saying it.

If necessary after saying no - leave the room, walk off. End it there.


You will also slowly start caring less. That helps.

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

It's kind of a cycle, unfortunately. Not being firm and enforcing the boundaries you set means people don't take your boundaries seriously, so they don't see a problem with crossing those boundaries. A few general tips:

* practice a calm, but firm voice
* use short, concise sentences
* don't try to explain or justify your decisions, simply state them as if it's already a done deal
* Remember that "No" is a complete sentence
* realize that you are NOT responsible for making sure everyone is happy, especially when it involes life decisions about YOUR life. Their unhappiness is their problem, not yours.
* if people aren't civil, stop conversation or leave the room and refuse to engage until people treat you with respect
* Remember that people can yell all they way, but what you do with your life is your business. You can let them yell and complain, shrug, and then do your own thing.
* It's easier to ask for pardon than permission
* remember that every time you're tempted to cave, you're not avoiding trouble, you're just making more trouble for yourself down the line

The more consistent you are about enforcing your boundaries (even trivial ones-- ESPECIALLY trivial ones, tbh because if people see you can't enforce the small stuff, they'll steamroll you with the big stuff), the more you're teaching them that you mean what you say and the easier it will get.

Re: How to be more firm

[soldatsasha]

If you have been taking a very weak stance in arguments for a long time, people who've known you might assume they can just talk over you and get their way no matter what you're actually saying to them. No remedy for this but time.

Practice arguments with yourself, and saying things clearly and firmly. Avoid vocal uptick that turns? things into questions??? Also avoid hesitant or wishy-washy language. Try to be blunt and clear. So, "No, I'm not going to the movie tonight." rather than "I'm not sure I really want to go to the movie tonight."

Also mind your body language. This is SUPER important, maybe even moreso than your words. Google 'confident' body language and practice posing yourself like that. When you're in a confrontation, use strong, aggressive, and calm body language to your advantage. (Trufax: Carrying yourself confidently makes you feel more confident, while carrying yourself timidly makes you feel more timid. Use this to your advantage to psych yourself up!)

Learning to not give a fuck what other people think is unfortunately a hard-earned skill, and one you might never fully grasp if you're very sensitive. But, you can fake it! With practice you can project a calm, controlled facade while cringing in terror inside!

And, if all else fails and they out-argue you, END THE ARGUMENT. Walk away, disengage, do what you intended to do in the first place. They can't "win" if you don't give them the chance.

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

One technique I learned in retail was the "polite brick wall."

Basically, you don't have to argue back. Just make your statement and keep repeating it, politely but firmly.

Them: I need you to come over on Saturday and blahblahblah.

You: I'm sorry, I already have other plans for Saturday.

Them: But it's really important because REASONS.

You: I'm sorry, I already have other plans for Saturday.

Them: But can't you just reschedule whatever it is you're doing?

You: I'm sorry, I already have other plans for Saturday.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If they decide to stop liking you just because you don't agree with them 100% of the time, they're dicks and you don't need them in your life anyway.

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

Also, there's the technique I used to use with my grandfather. I'd listen to what he had to say, tell him something noncommittal but affirming like "I really appreciate your advice, I'll definitely take that into consideration," and DO WHATEVER IT WAS I'D DECIDED ON ANYWAY.

Re: How to be more firm

[(Anonymous)]

"I've made my decision. This is not up for discussion." then ignore anyone who tries to continue the conversation/change the topic.

Goal-Setting

[(Anonymous)]

I've got a birthday coming up in about a month, and I'd like to take the opportunity to set some goals for the year ahead. Does anybody have experience with setting goals (other than: be a millionaire in 10 years)?