fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3501 ]

[ SECRET POST #3501 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3501 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Pretty Little Liars]

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[Death in Paradise]

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01. http://i.imgur.com/EKfGArP.png

Image: A picture of a cow and a rooster hanging out in a field.

Text: I've developed a crush on a Youtuber who's married with a family.

Normally in situations like this, I imagine characters the actor plays whenever I daydream about them (infidelity being a squick of mine.) In this case, however, there are no characters, and the "internet persona" argument only goes so far, especially since he talks a lot about his real life, and it's those real life elements that make me like him so much.

As a result, I feel guilty whenever I try to imagine doing anything other than briefly meeting him at a convention. It just feels inappropriate in a way that my other actor crushes don't.

Any advice, FS?

(Damn if he isn't fun to watch, though. He pushes all the right buttons, including a few I didn't even know I had.)

Picture obliquely related.

I'd say the crush itself isn't wrong as long as no-one is acting inappropriately.

Edited 2016-08-04 22:48 (UTC)

Although I have crushes on married celebrities, like you, OP I find it difficult to fantasise about them, so I also tend to fantasise about their characters. I know people say 'it's just a fantasy, you can fantasise whatever you want', true but if it's a sexual fantasy, it has to be something that works for you, and if knowing the person is already with someone is a turn off, then you can't help that.

My advice is not to overthink it. So long as they're not having an adverse affect on your real life, fantasies are harmless. You can imagine yourself banging him six ways to Sunday in an elevator at a convention and there is still no infidelity involved, just like you can imagine yourself eating a triple meat pizza with cheesy crust and a mountain of garlic bread and no actual calories have been consumed. Go for it.

Having a crush on Slowbeef? Nice, been there, done that.

It's pretty hard to control what you'll find attractive in a person, so what you can focus on instead is what you can do with that feeling. Whatever you do decide what you want to do with your feelings, so long as Slowbeef himself never comes across it, I think it should be fine. Slowbeef has been around the internet for a long time and is probably aware of people who have been less subtle about their attraction to him, but that's the nature of the internet. It sounds like you respect his existence as a real human being with a personal life outside of your attraction, so you're already ahead of the game in that regard, so I'm confident you'll handle your fan-self fine.

I don't really have any advice, unfortunately. Most of my celebrity crushes have been musicians so I've been in the "no characters to daydream about instead" situation, but I haven't really had problems daydreaming about real people. When it was someone who was in a relationship, I would just pretend that they weren't when I fantasized about them, but it sounds like that's harder to do when he talks about his personal life in his videos.

Although I do have my own awkward "how do I ignore the fact that he's in a relationship now?" story. I had (and am still in the middle of) a celebrity crush who I would have fantasies about despite knowing he's already in a relationship, because as I said above, I could just ignore that fact as I did with all my celebrity crushes. Then I found out he has a tattoo of his girlfriend's name, and immediately felt extremely uncomfortable. Aside from finding relationship-related tattoos tacky as hell and a horrible idea, for a while after I found out, I had a hard time daydreaming about him because I would get the incredibly uncomfortable mental image of trying to hook up with him and seeing the tattoo. Eventually, I just sort of managed to force myself to pretend I never found out about it and go back to my silly self-insert fantasies, but now I know how it feels when there's a certain factor that makes the whole "but he's in a relationship!" thing hard to ignore.

if you feel guilty, don't fantasize about him then? you can appreciate someone's looks and personality without fantasizing.

Not OP, but I went through a stage where I'd feel guilty about fantasizing about real people and honestly? I think it's a rather silly thing to feel guilty about. I can understand feeling uncomfortable about doing things such as posting RPF online, leaving creepy comments on public sites, talking about your fantasies on blogs, etc, because in those cases you're making your fantasies public and everyone can see them, but if you're just having thoughts that you keep to yourself? I really don't see why that's a problem.

You'll probably never meet anyway (or if you do, it'll be a "Hi, I'm a fan," "Hey cool, thanks!" interaction.

I never let the person's RL partner status or even their orientation stop me from fantasizing (though of COURSE I wouldn't ever tell them.) Fantasies are things enjoyed in your head, so enjoy away.

It's not the same as stalking someone or sending them creepy tweets, in my view, again...in your head.

I have a crush on Markiplier, but he's not married. He's straight. (I'm a bisexual guy by the way)

As long as you keep it strictly in the realm of fantasy, there's no harm. So, how about imagining that he's in an open relationship?

You know I've been in fandom so long it feels normal to have crush on a fictional character. I'd forgotten most people have crushes on real people. Out there everyday people have crushes on real people and fantasize about them. Someone being married probably stops them from acting, but it doesn't stop them from dreaming.

why feel guilty? it's never gonna happen irl

But, for some people, isn't part of the fantasy the dream that it could happen 'IRL'? I actually know where the OP is coming from, here. I have fantasies of meeting celebrities, in a realistic scenario and hooking up, and if they're married that makes the fantasy problematic. Yes, it is 'just a fantasy' and yes, the reality is that I'm never going to meet them, but, I'm aware that the celebrity has a life of their own and that tends to colour the fantasy (ie we're not having sex on a trip to Mars, with the ghost of William Shakespeare-although that would be interesting...). Actually, this is why I now tend to just stick to fantasising about characters.

Okay, so suppose it could happen.

Would you still be attracted to the married guy if he decided to take things further with you? Even though him being happily married is what drew you to him in the first place / is the main part of the appeal (like in OP's situation)?

Wouldn't it be like having sex with a different person?

I guess I'm just having trouble imagining the guilt when there's no logical reason for it, or you could just embrace it.

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[ SECRET POST #3501 ]

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Transcript by OP

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I don't think you should feel guilty.

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