[ SECRET POST #3521 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3521 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



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02.
[World of Warcraft: Legion]


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03.
(Fallout 4)


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04.
[Doctor Who - 12/Clara]


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05.
(The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy)


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06.
[Bojack Horseman]


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07.
[Criminal Minds]


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08.
[Elite: Dangerous]


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09.
[Street Fighter]












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 24 secrets from Secret Submission Post #503.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

*** TW FOR TALK OF SUICIDE ***

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I have an online friend, I'll call her Jay to keep her identity secret. She's had a lot of issues in her life where she'll message me that she's suicidal or really down and I talk her back up again.

But lately I'm seeing a pattern and it's bothering me. I feel like a huge asshole and that's why I haven't mentioned it to Jay.

First, Jay only messages me when she needs a talking up and never just to say hi or ask how I am. It's always about her.

Sometimes I'll be going to an event or doing an activity and I'll mention it on my blog the day of. And just as I'm preparing to get up from the computer to get ready or to leave, she messages me saying she's feeling extremely suicidal and wants to hurt herself.

I canceled my outings a few times for her. One time I skipped a concert I saved a year for because she needed talking up and I didn't want to leave her.

Sometimes I told her "I can't talk right now. I need to get ready and leave. I'm very sorry" and she left messages the entire time I was gone saying I made her cut or asking why I abandoned her.

She never messages me right before I get up to get ready if I don't mention the event at all.

Sometimes she kept me up all hours of the night talking her up; this only ever happened if I mentioned I had to get up early, and oh there's a "help me" message popping up as I'm about to close everything out. I was up until 4am with her once when I had to get up at 6 for exams.

Again, no messages if I don't mention I need to get up early.

The pattern is I get messages from her whenever I mention things going on and never when I don't. I feel extremely guilty when I have to tell her I can't talk right then.

My mind keeps telling me "what if this is the night she does it because I wasn't here?" At the same time, I'm beginning to feel like Jay is trying to monopolize my time so I can't enjoy going out, can't sleep well or can't be social unless it's talking her up.

What should I do? Should I give her a cut direct and say "this isn't working, I can't keep doing this for you..." or what?

Not mentioning outings or early mornings has cut down on the messages a little. I still get them randomly. I'm terrified of being the reason she seriously injures or kills herself. As of now I spend more time worrying over her than I do my own IRL issues. I'm terrified to open my browser and find "Help me, where are you? I want to die now" because I feel so obligated to respond.

FS, am I being manipulated and what do I do if I am?




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Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

Yes you are. Block her and hope to god she gets help, but have nothing to do with her ever again if you can.

SA, because I feel like I was too blunt

[(Anonymous)]

I had a similar "friend" once, except minus the "she needs me exactly when I'm about to go do something that I've mentioned to her" part, which is creepy. I felt really guilty about it and I hated to cut her off, but the fact is, I was being driven mad by her problems, and by letting her tell me I was the only reason she was still alive. Even if that had been true, it's not my responsibility. I don't owe her my presence just because it benefits her, not if it hurts me (and I was getting so anxious over her that at one point I was barely eating, which is huge for me because I love food more than life itself), and I can't help her, nor is it my job.

You'll feel bad. Find a therapist or something of your own, if you don't already have one, because you're probably gonna need to work through this. You'll feel guilty, like you did the wrong thing by not sacrificing yourself for her -- but if you don't cut her off, that's all you're ever going to do. If she actually does kill herself once you're gone (unlikely, from what I know about psychology), that's not your fault, that is mental illness, which you had no part in causing and could only temporarily ease, but never would have fixed.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[mrs_don_draper]

^^^^THIS^^^^

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, you are absolutely being manipulated. If what you're describing is accurate to what's happened, then it's a clear cut case. You are not responsible for anybody else's well being, and you would do well to get out of this situation rather than letting it continue.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[dethtoll]

You are totally, totally, totally being manipulated. I know from experience.

You are not responsible for her actions, only she is. I really strongly doubt that she's going to commit suicide anyway; she's just using you as an emotional crutch.

[ETA] Man, this thread has stirred up some ugly memories...

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, anon. I'll talk to you as someone who has been on both sides of it. You are being manipulated. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that her depression might be genuine. But it is not your responsibility to sacrifice your life and well-being to support her. You are not trained for it. You are not a therapist.

I would highly recommend telling her to visit a therapist and setting firm boundaries. It's your choice whether or not to walk away. Just make sure those boundaries stay there. I say it as someone who has been suicidal for many years of her life - this is NOT okay. Being mentally ill is not an excuse to take people away from their lives.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

I agree with the anons above. She is using you and may not even be suicidal, just manipulative. Regardless, you have the right to care about your own mental health. Get out of this situation.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[aenrhien]

She's absolutely manipulating you, nonny. You need to make a break from her. Block her on whatever she messages you on, as well as Tumblr or Facebook or anything else she can contact you through, and put her out of your mind. If she wants to hurt herself because you won't let her monopolize your time, that is not your fault, it's hers.

I recommend making it a clean break, don't talk to her before hand or anything, just block her. It'll be better for your mental health in the long run.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

that is definitely manipulative. like, scary manipulative. this is the kind of shit that they make terrible lifetime movies about (although they would probably work in a romantic subplot of some sort just to keep things lifetime-y). it's admirable that you've tried so hard to help this obviously disturbed woman, but I think it's time to tell her that she should see a professional.

That's a hell of a meet cute

[chardmonster]

"Oh Em Gee! I thought I was the only person working at Last Resort Coffee and Pastries who was being manipulated by the faux-suicidal person! Not you, the adorable and conspicuously muscled cupcake baker with a just right scruffy beard!"

"Well you see, I am deeply caring and sensitive."

"Take me! Take me on a cozy tour of thinly disguised Vancouver parks!"

[Pop country music swells]

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[diet_poison]

I absolutely think you are being manipulated. Holy shit.

I'm no psychologist but my armchair assessment is that she likes the power of controlling your life by making you give up things that were important to you for her.

At the very least, set major boundaries. Encourage her to get help as you're talking to her. This is a cycle she needs to break.

I know it's hard and I'd feel terrible in your position and I'd feel really guilty if she really did do it while you weren't there or after you said no. But that wouldn't make it your fault. Your emotional health is also valid and important.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

I'm no psychologist but my armchair assessment is that she likes the power of controlling your life by making you give up things that were important to you for her.

Yes, exactly--this is just what was going through my head as I read this post. This whole story reads as if either "Jay" has a morbid need to test her friend's loyalty over and over, or else her way of coping is to prove to herself, repeatedly, that she has the power to "make" OP do anything she wants.

Creepy, creepy story. TBH, I don't think OP needs to worry that much about Jay harming herself because OP said no to her. "Jay" probably has a very healthy regard for her own skin.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[caerbannog]

Yes. I ghosted on a friend for exactly this. Blocked all platforms, don't even look at her via mutual friends. Cut it all off and Ohmygod so much happier so much less stress. I stopped hiding all the time, I wasn't too wary of social interactions to hang out with other friends. It's something I wish o did years ago. I wish I recognised it years ago rather than dismissing all the signs and even ppl pointing out she was a shotty friend.

Free yourself anon. Cut them off and don't get drawn back in.

Edit. And I also recommend just cutting her off. Don't give her opportunities to "argue" her case to you. You need to look after yourself.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[mrs_don_draper]

She's definitely using you.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

Manipulated? Yes.

If this is breaking you down, you have to take care of yourself. She's too busy being a hot mess to care about how her crap affects you.

Tell her to talk to a therapist if you can't talk.

Call the police in her area (if you know it) if she threatens suicide. Tell her you are calling the police (even if you aren't able to).

Stop cancelling your stuff for her. Don't take responsibility for her. You are not her therapist. You are not her savior. You are not her mom, her sister, her guardian, or case worker.

I guess it's possible she could kill herself. But quite frankly, you've done all that you can and then some. You can advise her on what to do but she can't be helped unless she's willing. And realistically, there's only so much people on the internet can do for someone else. You should not be held hostage to her whims (or threats?). When someone's mental illness starts making you ill, then it's time to cut back or cut them out.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[belladonna_took]

There's a difference between someone asking for support and blaming you for "making them" cut.

Get out. Get out now.

That person needs help, yes. Professional help. Not your help.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This is definitely manipulation.

*** OP ***

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I have an asd and sometimes I can't "read" peoples' behavior very well and I always second guess my gut instincts.

I gave Jay a list of hotlines, told her to call the police if she thinks she's danger of doing something drastic and blocked her everywhere without a farther explanation. Her username is blacklisted on my Tumblr to prevent me seeing her posts being reblogged.

I plan to block her friends if they try drawing me back to her. I kind of expect her to talk trash about me for my supposed abandonment, but you all are right and I can't let her keep sucking my life away.

Thank you very much.

Re: *** OP ***

[(Anonymous)]

I think this is a very good step for you and I hope that you don't receive any backlash for it

Re: *** OP ***

[(Anonymous)]

You did the right thing. Expect a bit of backlash; maybe turn anon off for a while, and whatever you do, never answer any message about it if you do get one. Go full-on ignore mode, it's the only surefire way to make it stop.

Re: *** OP ***

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad you managed to do it, and I hope very much that this is the last you hear about it. I'm the first anon replier, and I would also have had a very hard time seeing and acting on the red flags if not for an enlightening (and thankfully positive) experience a few years beforehand that helped me learn to draw the line in the sand and say "that's abuse, and I'm done." Connecting with strangers can be absolutely invaluable, sometimes even more than talking with close friends.

I offer you fresh cookies and hope you aren't plagued too badly for too long by the memories.

Re: *** OP ***

[mrs_don_draper]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. We'll all be here if you need more support. Please take some good care of yourself and do some healing. <3

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, you're being manipulated. You are NOT responsible for this person's emotional well being. You are NOT responsible for the choices and decisions she makes, good or bad. She is taking advantage of the fact that you're a nice person with a great deal of empathy, and she is using that for her own emotional release and that is shitty.

Write to your "friend" (because she's not really your friend, you know this, right?) and tell her that while you'd like to help her, you just don't have the knowledge or training she needs. Point her toward therapy. Give her the number of a suicide hotline or point her to resources for people with depression. Tell her that you can't do this for her anymore. Don't let her guilt trip you, because she will almost certainly try. Practice saying, "I'm sorry, but you need more help than I can give you." Say it over and over again.

A lot of social media platforms have procedures for reporting suicidal users. Look up the ones that are relevant to you, and report your friend the next time she mentions feeling suicidal. Do it every time and don't feel bad. If you know your friend's real name, address or other contact info, feel free to use that, too.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

And I should emphasize: THIS PERSON IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. They're getting off on some weird power trip by preventing you from living your life. After you notify them that you're not going to play their little game, you should seriously consider going full no-contact. This means blocking them everywhere. No responding to any of their messages, for any reason. Don't even read them if you can help it.

Re: I think I'm being manipulated. (TW talk of suicide)

[(Anonymous)]

She's toxic to both you and herself if she really is sick.

Tell her that you can't keep doing this anymore, because obviously whatever you do isn't helping and she needs to get professional help. Cut off contact immediately after so she can't guilt-trip you into staying.

What she's doing is manipulative, and if she's really sick, hopefully she'll get actual help. Even if you stayed, things would only escalate for the worse: you'll get burnt out, she doesn't get help. Obviously, it's not a sustainable situation for either of you.
But whatever happens, NONE OF IT IS ON YOU. You're not responsible for someone else's life unless you're their parent.

This is a common technique in emotionally abusive relationships where the abuser threatens to kill themselves if they can't monopolize their target's time. Please cut off all contact ASAP while you still can.