fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3560 ]

[ SECRET POST #3560 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3560 ⌋

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So I was bored and surfing 'AskReddit' a few days ago and I saw a thread about "chick code" or 'codes' between women. I was a little astonished and alarmed to see some people saying that it was part of some 'girl friend code' to hate someone your friend hates, or not talk or associate with people who your friend think is a "bitch"

Um...what? Being expected to not associate with people who your friends have issues with seems like the mark of an unhealthy friendship. Like if someone is shit talking your friend I can understand not palling around and listening to it. But if your friend just had a disagreement with someone I don't see why you should be expected to hate that person also. That sounds possessive as fuck.

Is it really that prevalent for people to expect of their friends?

I mean, like you said, there is a difference between just not liking someone for petty reasons and having a legitimate reason to dislike the person. I remember when my friends kept hanging out with a guy they knew sexually harassed me and generally treated me very bad I was super hurt by that. I felt like I would be overstepping to say anything about it though, so I just never did.

But on the other hand, most people probably think they have a good reason for hating someone even if it looks petty or unreasonable to the outside? Not saying its right, just saying that might be how people justify it?

Idk though, I don't actually have enough friends to know if this is a prevalent attitude.

I see.

I mean I'd consider that a good reason to want your friends to have your back.

I guess that for me a lot of conflicts between my friends have been personality clashes. I've run into a lot of situations where both friends had some responsibility for the problem.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I don't think most adults would expect you to HATE someone they dislike or never associate with them, but it's pretty rude to openly pal around in front of your friend if they haven't expressed they're fine with it. Sort of like dating a friend's recent ex.

In my industry there's lots of rivalries, and many of my friends dislike eachother. So I'm always very careful when talking to people because I don't want them to feel I don't take their complaints/concerns seriously, or feel I like their rival more than I like them.

I guess.

I had two friends who disliked each other for a time and while they griped about each other, neither had any expectation for me to not talk to them. We all roleplayed together after all.

I guess I understand. I wouldn't pal around in front of someone if they were mad, but I guess I feel weird thinking about having to have their okay.

I apologize if I came off rude.

Eh. It's not, like, some kind of unbreakable code of honor or anything like that. But I do think there's something to the idea that you should like... have your friends' backs? And back them up and have their side, to a certain extent? If someone is rude to a friend of yours, or does them wrong somehow, that should impinge on you, you know?

Again, that doesn't mean you have to go to extremes and swear eternal vendetta. It's a limited thing.

That makes sense, yeah.

As I mentioned above I have experience with two friends who had a personality clash and would give as good as they got between each other. And friend arguments where both people HAD a side to some degree.

So I guess my experience comes from knowing that both people have a side and feel wronged, making it hard to be on one side or the other. Also I was in that position before when I was growing up. My sister and I would have bouts where we swore we hated each other and my cousin never took sides and just told us both to get our shit together, lol.

Looking back we also both said shit to each other so I couldn't blame someone for not taking one side.

I hope not. Generally I go with "the first friend who demands I choose between them and another is the first one to go". By all means tell me if you think they're dodgy or why you're annoyed and why but I can't stand bad mouthing and I can't stand ppl telling or expecting me to side with one person over another.

Like. I'm not going to dislike someone just because a friend does. I ain't intentionally be chummy but if we get along and I want to get to know them, so be it.

Just urgh. I used to have a friend like that. Was always super judgie over ppl I was seeing or new friends. Stopped introducing them to ppl so I didn't have to hear them bad mouthing. Should have been my clue to cut them off sooner.

Yeah me too.

I've learned through experience that a lot of times two parties have a side, excluding cases of abuse and bullying of course.

Among my friends group I would talk to a lot of people and end up getting all sides of the story.

Eeek that sounds horrible.

I wouldn't say it's a code, but personally I just like validating my friends' feelings if theyre hurt by someone and also it's nice to have someone be outraged on your behalf, especially when you're trying to be the better person.

if my friends hate someone I would also take a good look as to why, since I'm generally friends with people who's judgement I trust, so why would I have the urge to befriend people they hate?

I can't say I've ever gotten shit or given shit to someone for not sharing my hate though

That makes sense.

A lot of my friends have mostly just had personality clashes. And when I was growing up the relationship between my sister and I was pretty rocky. We decided we hated each other so many times, I think my cousin was just the third party who wanted us to get our shit together.

But I guess people there weren't talking about personality clashes.

I mean I was also more talking about friend hating someone not friend hating friend, as that is obviously a special situation.

but then I think hating is a really strong word and I really don't think that people easily hate each other just because their personalities clash. if two of my friends genuinely started hating each other I would take a good look at what happened

For me it really depends on WHY they hate the other person. If it's just personality clash that's one thing, but stuff like physical abuse, sexual abuse, serious theft, to me you're kind of an awful friend if you're ok with that happening to your friends as long as the person doing it is likable. And I wouldn't consider that a girl-code thing, just a decent human being thing.

I say that as someone who's 'friends' watched them get beaten bloody and a finger broken by someone much larger and stronger and then couldn't understand why I was making things sooooo difficult by requesting to know if that person was going to be at group things so I could just not go.

But yeah if it's just general personality conflict, no, the whole "all my friends must be friends" thing is not right. It's also known as Geek Social Fallacy #4: Friendship Is Transitive

Yeah the latter is an obvious exception.

Wow geez that's horrible. o.o I'm sorry.

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[ SECRET POST #3560 ]

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