fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3796 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3796 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[The Shining]

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03.

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04. https://i.imgbox.com/wgIVTiyN.gif
[moving gif, Doctor Who]

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05.

[Forever]

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06.

[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]

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07.

[Mortal Kombat 2]

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08. [SPOILERS for Steven Universe]

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09. [SPOILERS for Criminal Minds]
http://i.imgur.com/itjb0jk.jpg
[linked at OP's request / Criminal Minds - Kat Adams played by Aubrey Plaza(top), Lindsey Vaughn played by Gia Mantegna (bottom)]

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10. [WARNING for rape]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #543.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is the dumbest fucking thing but I don't know how to best handle it.

My BFF and I have known each other for 25 years, and we've always had a dynamic where she's the leader and I'm the follower, which I've always hated. But part of that includes the fact that she's "allowed" to be irritable and get angry, but I'm not. If I get angry or express displeasure with her in any way, in her eyes I'm automatically wrong about whatever the situation is, and I'm morally in the wrong for getting angry in the first place. She of course tells me off and says all this. So I've only spoken up to her twice (which didn't go well), and instead I just either go along with whatever she wants or I just "ghost out" on her for a little while until the situation blows over.

We genuinely get along 97% of the time, so our friendship is otherwise pretty solid (and it's lasted a really long time), and as we've gotten older, it's been even less of an issue because now she lives in another state and we only see each other 1-3 times a year.

But this Sunday her youngest sister is having a graduation party and I was invited. I don't want to go for a bunch of reasons. I messaged her parents to say "thanks but I can't make it." Then I get a text from my friend saying, "Can you make it on Sunday? I'm in town and I really want to see you." I replied saying, "I don't know about Sunday, I have plans with my brother, but I'm free all day Saturday and Monday! How about you?"

She just replied saying, "You should really come on Sunday because you can see your brother any time, but I'm only in town for the weekend! :)"

And for some reason, this really pisses me off. I know this is irrational. I know she has no idea I'm irritated, nor would she understand why. I think this is calling up a lifetime of issues I've had with her expecting me to accommodate her and her plans, and me going along with it because I don't want to deal with her arguing with me that my own plans aren't as important and then strongly implying that there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do what she wants.

But I don't want to have a conversation with her about this, because I won't win, and I'll probably cry.

I haven't responded to her last text yet. What should I do?

Well, I don't really have any advice for you here. As I see it, your friendship is pretty dysfunctional, and it's built around you subordinating yourself into a role you're not actually happy with. And it doesn't sound likely that you're ever going to convince her to change who she is or how she thinks about the relationship - maybe it's possible, and it's always worth trying to talk to her about it, but after 25 years and all the rest of it, it doesn't sound likely.

So, to me, it comes down to - are you comfortable being in the relationship, with it being the way it is, or not? And personally, I would say, it's probably best to let it go. But that's up to you.

I'm going to say something harsh here but this is partially your own fault for never talking things through properly. So part of the reason you're so mad is because you've been bottling this stuff for all these years.

Would it be possible to write her an e-mail about these feelings? You say it never goes over well but maybe you can collect your thoughts easier if it's not something where you have to respond to what she's saying right away. It's easy to get flustered and lose your point when you're having to react to what someone else is saying.

If you really don't want to talk to her, I don't know. Maybe you should distance yourself from the friendship in general. You don't have to ditch her entirely, but you already said not seeing her that often has helped things, so maybe this is a sign that she needs to be an acquaintance and not a BFF.

"My BFF and I have known each other for 25 years, and we've always had a dynamic where she's the leader and I'm the follower, which I've always hated. But part of that includes the fact that she's "allowed" to be irritable and get angry, but I'm not. "

Okay, yikes!!! How was this not instantly a red flag?

"We genuinely get along 97% of the time, so our friendship is otherwise pretty solid (and it's lasted a really long time)"

Longevity =/= Healthy

"I know she has no idea I'm irritated, nor would she understand why."

She's a grown-ass adult. If she can't understand why you're busy or upset if you communicate with her, then she's not a good friend.

"But I don't want to have a conversation with her about this, because I won't win, and I'll probably cry.

I haven't responded to her last text yet. What should I do?"

This is your opportunity to cut her toxic self out of your life! You have to stand up for yourself eventually!

Short term solution: just text her that no, you really can't make it Sunday, and don't go into justifications and let it turn into an argument (because that opens doors for her to try to weaken your resolve and make you feel guilty or talk you into things you don't want to do.

Long term: avoid being too frequently available in the future and let the relationship weaken and die with time and distance. Nowhere did you say you miss her now that she's no longer living nearby. Sounds like you are getting along just fine without this friendship anyway, so there's no reason to continue with something that's making you so resentful.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious there's an unhealthy dynamic in your friendship and saying that it's great 97% of the time doesn't mean a whole lot when you only see one another a few times a year. It's not that hard to avoid being a dick to someone you hardly ever see, so I'm going to gently disagree that this is a "solid" friendship. It's lasted a long time because you've put up with her bullshit for a long time. She's pushy and disrespectful of your time and needs because you've always caved and she expects you to cave again. She can't be the leader unless you follow.

My advice is to text her back with, "Sorry, maybe next time! Let me know if you're free to get together Saturday and Monday." But ONLY if you genuinely want to see her. If you don't, then maybe just say, "Sorry I can't make it, have fun!" and leave it at that. Don't try to explain or justify your decision, because that just leaves the door open for her to argue with you some more.

In the future, drawing some healthier boundaries for yourself and enforcing them consistently will lead to more functional relationships, anon. Good luck.

Ignoring all the signs that you guys have a super dysfunctional friendship dynamic, and just addressing this interaction:

You said "I don't know about Sunday," rather than "I'm busy Sunday." That leaves her wriggle room to pressure you into coming. If you want to resolve this without a fight, make up a reason that you 100% can't make it that is plausible, like that your brother really needs your help on Sunday with something and that's the only day you're both free. (The lie is because your friend isn't the type to take 'no' and nothing else for an answer.) Then stick to this story, but offer no more details.

HOWEVER, if you're sick of this shit and you're too upset to hold in your frustrations any longer, you could take a different tack. First reply with something civil: "I really can't make it Sunday, sorry. Is there a time on Saturday or Monday you can meet?" Then wait for the inevitable manipulative whine along the lines of "You don't care about me if you don't change your plans to come." When that happens, you get to drop the boundary bombshell: "I am not able to come on Aunday because I have prior plans. This does not mean I don't care about you. However, you implying that it does is upsetting to me. If you want to continue being friends with me you need to respect my decisions, as I respect yours."

Prepare for a long drawn out emotional conversation. She will either show herself to be capable of respecting you, or she will deflect and pin everything on you. You need to be prepared to react appropriately to either scenario, and if it's the former, to be on guard in case she regresses into your old dynamic.

Good luck!

[ SECRET POST #3796 ]

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