fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3796 ]

[ SECRET POST #3796 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3796 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[The Shining]

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04. https://i.imgbox.com/wgIVTiyN.gif
[moving gif, Doctor Who]

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05.

[Forever]

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06.

[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]

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07.

[Mortal Kombat 2]

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08. [SPOILERS for Steven Universe]

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09. [SPOILERS for Criminal Minds]
http://i.imgur.com/itjb0jk.jpg
[linked at OP's request / Criminal Minds - Kat Adams played by Aubrey Plaza(top), Lindsey Vaughn played by Gia Mantegna (bottom)]

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10. [WARNING for rape]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #543.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Ok, so in a couple of weeks my brothers' and I will be on a friend of the family's boat, and we'll deposit my father's ashes into the lake. Well, really his ashes are in a biodegradable urn which will either sink quickly or float for a minute or two and then sink.

But my question is the word usage. I don't want to say we're dropping or dumping his ashes into the lake, even though that's what we're doing. The word I used above, deposit, is ok but still doesn't sound right. Sprinkling his ashes is wrong, since they are contained into the urn. So how should I call it what we're doing?

"Spreading" his ashes or "burying his ashes at sea."

Isn't "spreading ashes" the most common nomenclature?

Laying him to rest?

I got laid off this week, which really sucks. Any advice for keeping my spirits up while job-searching? The severance was paltry so I'm worried about my savings running out...

Depending on your personality, organization. Plan your budget, get your resume in order, create a plan of attack, keep your house and self clean.

And keep friends/family around you. Don't let yourself just sit at home and do nothing, make yourself productive.

Try to stick to a regular sleep/wake schedule, put on clothes every morning, and leave home at least once a day, even if it's just for a walk). Try not to have the tv on all day. Consider taking weekends "off" from the job search, but in exchange you have to do something job-search related every week day. Maintain some kind of social life - interact with people (but impress upon your friends and family that you need to save your pennies).

This is the dumbest fucking thing but I don't know how to best handle it.

My BFF and I have known each other for 25 years, and we've always had a dynamic where she's the leader and I'm the follower, which I've always hated. But part of that includes the fact that she's "allowed" to be irritable and get angry, but I'm not. If I get angry or express displeasure with her in any way, in her eyes I'm automatically wrong about whatever the situation is, and I'm morally in the wrong for getting angry in the first place. She of course tells me off and says all this. So I've only spoken up to her twice (which didn't go well), and instead I just either go along with whatever she wants or I just "ghost out" on her for a little while until the situation blows over.

We genuinely get along 97% of the time, so our friendship is otherwise pretty solid (and it's lasted a really long time), and as we've gotten older, it's been even less of an issue because now she lives in another state and we only see each other 1-3 times a year.

But this Sunday her youngest sister is having a graduation party and I was invited. I don't want to go for a bunch of reasons. I messaged her parents to say "thanks but I can't make it." Then I get a text from my friend saying, "Can you make it on Sunday? I'm in town and I really want to see you." I replied saying, "I don't know about Sunday, I have plans with my brother, but I'm free all day Saturday and Monday! How about you?"

She just replied saying, "You should really come on Sunday because you can see your brother any time, but I'm only in town for the weekend! :)"

And for some reason, this really pisses me off. I know this is irrational. I know she has no idea I'm irritated, nor would she understand why. I think this is calling up a lifetime of issues I've had with her expecting me to accommodate her and her plans, and me going along with it because I don't want to deal with her arguing with me that my own plans aren't as important and then strongly implying that there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do what she wants.

But I don't want to have a conversation with her about this, because I won't win, and I'll probably cry.

I haven't responded to her last text yet. What should I do?

Well, I don't really have any advice for you here. As I see it, your friendship is pretty dysfunctional, and it's built around you subordinating yourself into a role you're not actually happy with. And it doesn't sound likely that you're ever going to convince her to change who she is or how she thinks about the relationship - maybe it's possible, and it's always worth trying to talk to her about it, but after 25 years and all the rest of it, it doesn't sound likely.

So, to me, it comes down to - are you comfortable being in the relationship, with it being the way it is, or not? And personally, I would say, it's probably best to let it go. But that's up to you.

I'm going to say something harsh here but this is partially your own fault for never talking things through properly. So part of the reason you're so mad is because you've been bottling this stuff for all these years.

Would it be possible to write her an e-mail about these feelings? You say it never goes over well but maybe you can collect your thoughts easier if it's not something where you have to respond to what she's saying right away. It's easy to get flustered and lose your point when you're having to react to what someone else is saying.

If you really don't want to talk to her, I don't know. Maybe you should distance yourself from the friendship in general. You don't have to ditch her entirely, but you already said not seeing her that often has helped things, so maybe this is a sign that she needs to be an acquaintance and not a BFF.

"My BFF and I have known each other for 25 years, and we've always had a dynamic where she's the leader and I'm the follower, which I've always hated. But part of that includes the fact that she's "allowed" to be irritable and get angry, but I'm not. "

Okay, yikes!!! How was this not instantly a red flag?

"We genuinely get along 97% of the time, so our friendship is otherwise pretty solid (and it's lasted a really long time)"

Longevity =/= Healthy

"I know she has no idea I'm irritated, nor would she understand why."

She's a grown-ass adult. If she can't understand why you're busy or upset if you communicate with her, then she's not a good friend.

"But I don't want to have a conversation with her about this, because I won't win, and I'll probably cry.

I haven't responded to her last text yet. What should I do?"

This is your opportunity to cut her toxic self out of your life! You have to stand up for yourself eventually!

Short term solution: just text her that no, you really can't make it Sunday, and don't go into justifications and let it turn into an argument (because that opens doors for her to try to weaken your resolve and make you feel guilty or talk you into things you don't want to do.

Long term: avoid being too frequently available in the future and let the relationship weaken and die with time and distance. Nowhere did you say you miss her now that she's no longer living nearby. Sounds like you are getting along just fine without this friendship anyway, so there's no reason to continue with something that's making you so resentful.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious there's an unhealthy dynamic in your friendship and saying that it's great 97% of the time doesn't mean a whole lot when you only see one another a few times a year. It's not that hard to avoid being a dick to someone you hardly ever see, so I'm going to gently disagree that this is a "solid" friendship. It's lasted a long time because you've put up with her bullshit for a long time. She's pushy and disrespectful of your time and needs because you've always caved and she expects you to cave again. She can't be the leader unless you follow.

My advice is to text her back with, "Sorry, maybe next time! Let me know if you're free to get together Saturday and Monday." But ONLY if you genuinely want to see her. If you don't, then maybe just say, "Sorry I can't make it, have fun!" and leave it at that. Don't try to explain or justify your decision, because that just leaves the door open for her to argue with you some more.

In the future, drawing some healthier boundaries for yourself and enforcing them consistently will lead to more functional relationships, anon. Good luck.

Ignoring all the signs that you guys have a super dysfunctional friendship dynamic, and just addressing this interaction:

You said "I don't know about Sunday," rather than "I'm busy Sunday." That leaves her wriggle room to pressure you into coming. If you want to resolve this without a fight, make up a reason that you 100% can't make it that is plausible, like that your brother really needs your help on Sunday with something and that's the only day you're both free. (The lie is because your friend isn't the type to take 'no' and nothing else for an answer.) Then stick to this story, but offer no more details.

HOWEVER, if you're sick of this shit and you're too upset to hold in your frustrations any longer, you could take a different tack. First reply with something civil: "I really can't make it Sunday, sorry. Is there a time on Saturday or Monday you can meet?" Then wait for the inevitable manipulative whine along the lines of "You don't care about me if you don't change your plans to come." When that happens, you get to drop the boundary bombshell: "I am not able to come on Aunday because I have prior plans. This does not mean I don't care about you. However, you implying that it does is upsetting to me. If you want to continue being friends with me you need to respect my decisions, as I respect yours."

Prepare for a long drawn out emotional conversation. She will either show herself to be capable of respecting you, or she will deflect and pin everything on you. You need to be prepared to react appropriately to either scenario, and if it's the former, to be on guard in case she regresses into your old dynamic.

Good luck!

I have ADD and I have been off medication for over a month, due to some other health issues. IT FUCKING SUCKS in ways too numerous to mention here, but suffice it to say, my apartment is now a disaster. There is too much clutter everywhere. I am having a really hard time dealing with (of all things) my mail, and there are piles of mail everywhere that I'm too afraid(??) to open and deal with. I have clothes all over the floor, shoes everywhere, cat toys, craft supplies, dishes, too many clothes to fit in my closet, wayyy too many knick-knacks and dumb stuff....ARGGHHH.

I follow Unfuck Your Habitat on Tumblr and am well acquainted with her 20 minutes cleaning/10 minute break schedule, but I have a really hard time getting back to work once I take that first break. I kinda just want to get two big boxes and mark them "Landfill" and "Good Will" and just start tossing all this crap in one or the other. Is this a bad idea?

Other ADD- or Depression-friendly cleaning/decluttering advice welcome!

Can you get a friend to help you? I once did this for a friend and I essentially just told her what to do while I cleaned as well. When she would get overwhelmed is exactly when I'd tell her what the next step was.

Sometimes it's really hard to self motivate so you may need help.

Re: Cleaning/Decluttering your home when you have ADD

skeletal_history - 2017-05-27 00:31 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Cleaning/Decluttering your home when you have ADD

shortysc22 - 2017-05-27 00:42 (UTC) - Expand

I second the advice of having a friend there. And I see nothing wrong with your idea about just tossing everything as a way of decluttering.

I plan on decluttering parts of my house this weekend, but it's fairly organized as it is.

Seconding the anon above, but why not turn it into something fun? Put energetic music on, dance around and do your cleaning, order delivery food when you get hungry, and just keep at it as best you can.

Maybe take before and after pics to show your progress, even if it's just a little bit? It'll make you feel like you accomplished something.

Maybe you can decrease that 20 minutes of work to something that might be less daunting? Sometimes even that much can be overwhelming to me if I'm having issues. At times like those I function best when I break things up into the tiniest, easiest pieces possible. There have been times when, for example, I have literally done the dishes by doing one piece at a time separated by fairly long breaks, but you know, it got done.

Same here. My method is to do a small section of cleaning each day. It's essentially the twenty minutes cleaning/ten minutes rest thing but more spaced out. I give myself one small job to do. If that doesn't exhaust me I do another. If it does I leave it until the next day when I have some energy reserves left.

I'm don't know anyone with ADD so apologies in advance if my advice won't work for you. I am however the sorter/cleaner/ get shit done person in my family (and my mum has definite hoarder tendencies), so here goes:

I don't think your 'landfill' and 'good will' boxes are that bad an idea if you feel like the situation is that out of control. I would however add a 'keep' and a 'sort out later' box, the latter to be used with discretion. (Oh, and also a 'recycling' box :p).

Before going to the boxes, I would first do a preliminary sort by putting things i thw right room e.g. dishes in the kitched, clothes in the bedroom, etc. I would then attack each room one by one, and first pick up everything that isn't where it should be (clothes on the floor, mail on the table, knick knacks floating around) and sort them into each box. You can break this into areas if it helps, e.g. floor, then side table, then table, then couch.

It's up to you (and depends on how much stuff is in each box) whether you go through each room before dealing with each box, or deal with them room by room.

Once you've done this for each room, deal with each box as makes sense. Put away the stuff in the 'keep' box. If there isn't room for it yet, put that stuff aside. Because now it's time to apply the same process to any storage area that is too full. It seems like your wardrobe is in definite need. Use the 'chuck it if you haven't worn in 6 months/ a year' rule if you need to.

Tlevaluate your 'sort out later' box. There will probably be a few things that you're happy to chuck from it now. After you've done that, put your 'keep' stuff away. If it doesn't fit, either reevaluate what you teally need to keep, or get some more storage space e.g. storage that can fit under the bed.

Your timeframe for doing all the above is up to you. The main principles are about approaching it in a systematic way, and breaking down the job into smaller segments if you can. That way if you have a regular break schedule, you should be able to have in mind the exact job you'll move onto next, which should help motivate you to get back into it. This system also means you can also plan how much work you'll get done in a stretch (e.g. 3/4 of the living room, or the kitchen bench), rather than just avoiding even starting because it all seems too overwhelming.

Re: Cleaning/Decluttering your home when you have ADD

skeletal_history - 2017-05-27 18:37 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Cleaning/Decluttering your home when you have ADD

(Anonymous) - 2017-05-28 00:15 (UTC) - Expand

I am working as a merchandiser. My boss is not stationed in this town, and they check in with me via phone/text. They are very nice, friendly, and understanding. I enjoy having them for a boss.

My merchandising location, on the other hand, is godawful. It's at a walmart, and the person in charge of the area I merchandise in is a piece of shit (always hungover and cranky, unsociable, over-demanding), and the other workers there basically just clock in for their paycheck and do the bare minimum to get it (no asking customers if they need help, standing around gossiping, etc.).

It is not helping my anxiety issues. The supervisor expects me to figure out what they want done (they act like it's annoying to have me there and will only interact if they are telling me I'm doing something "wrong," ie. they want it THEIR way, not my boss's way), and heaven forbid I ask for help with anything (I get eyerolls and passive-aggressive remarks). I am afraid of telling my actual boss, because I don't want them to think I can't do my job (or I'm a crybaby).

I enjoy the job itself, and the customers, but the employees involved are driving me up the wall. I am there to assist, not do everything for them; that's what the regular employees are there for. Does anyone have advice for how to deal with this situation? I've had this job for two months and the people just seem to be getting more and more irritable.

(For the record, I am attempting to kill with kindness. I save all of my ranting and exasperation for when I get home and try not to let it show at work.)

Honestly, just tell your boss the situation you're in. Tell them that your supervisor isn't giving you any information to work with, which is hindering you at your job.

Or honestly quit and work somewhere else since everyone sounds really awful there.

"Killing with kindness" doesn't do shit in the real world. You gotta take care of yourself and your anxiety first and foremost.

Edited 2017-05-27 00:41 (UTC)

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[ SECRET POST #3796 ]

Questions/Advice

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Spirits Up While Job-hunting?

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Petty embarrassing friend shit

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Cleaning/Decluttering your home when you have ADD

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