fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4141 ]

[ SECRET POST #4141 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4141 ⌋

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Can people with young kids maintain close friendships with people who aren't parents?

I have already lost one of my best friends to this. I got friend-dumped if that's a thing, because her new social group said I couldn't understand her priorities or values. Blah blah blah. After I'd already clocked a zillion hours of actual butt wiping and indulged all of her excitement over the baby doing new things or wearing new things. I loved that kid too. He called me auntie cass. I'm still devastated.

And now my one remaining best friend is pregnant, and I'm having feelings.
I love her and I'm going to love this kid, but I just want some kind of hope that they won't just disappear from my life because I don't fit perfectly in theirs.

I have yet to see it work among my friend group.

we have a couple of friends with kids who are still, I guess, warm and friendly and we'd all be there for each other when the chips are down, but we never socialize anymore because kids and in-laws. distant good friends, maybe. but we also have a couple who just dropped off the face of the earth for their families.

that's shit though anon, if you're into their kids and enjoy being around them and then they dump you. that's taking things too far and being a shitty person, not just a 'conflict in priorities'

Thanks for replying.

Funnily enough, I was the one who encouraged her to get out more and make some other parent friends because she was very isolated when she had post-partum depression. Her new friends also had opinions about my weight (they're all quite overweight) and my being single and *gasp* spending time around her partner in their house. I've known him since high school and we aren't attracted to each other in the slightest, but okay. Since I don't have a family of my own it's apparently my calling to be a devil-worshipping home-wrecker?

Yes. Not everyone who has kids subscribes to the Cult of Mommy.

Haha. Don't let the Mombies hear you, anon!

In my experience, no, they can't. (Obviously my experience isn't everyone's, it's going to vary by the person, etc.)

I'm currently completely without any friends because every single one got married and started having babies and no longer had time for me. I live in the southern US where the majority of people are really traditional and religion has a huge influence, so it's going to be different elsewhere, but yeah. As someone who absolutely does not want kids ever it's hard to find similar-minded people in this area. And of course it's hard to make new friends as an adult when you're no longer in school and don't really have anywhere to meet people.

I'm sorry to hear that.
/r/childfree is pretty active on reddit if you're not afraid of strangers.

DA

I'm on /r/childfree. It's a pretty good place, despite its reputation. There are a few obnoxious types but it's a place to vent and do online socialising and most people there are pretty concerned about kids' wellbeing.

Yes. I've known my best friend since we were 12. We actually started celebrating anniversaries once we got past the 20 year mark, because we believe we're something to celebrate. We've been there for each other through middle school, high school, college, my grad school, her marriage, and her kid.

We don't get to see each other as much as when we went to school together, obviously, and having that long of a relationship takes a hell of a lot of work, especially when you start young and are there through the whole "figuring out who you are" process. Lord knows we ended up in very different places in worldview and lifestyle, but when you love someone you make the effort to talk and find the ways you can touch each other's hearts and lives. She disappeared pretty much for the first six months after she had her kid, because kid, and then for a few months after that because she started some intense cardiac surgery training, but you just gotta keep letting them know you're there even if it's just a little reminder that life does exist out of the sucking black hole that is an infant's needs.

In my case I knew we were around the new child/new job bend when she called me at 11 pm because I was the only person who she could count on to bitch to while wringing out bloody sponges after a 17 hour nightmare surgery. You get there, eventually.

Thanks for replying.

My best friend and I are coming up on our 23rd year of friendship. We met in pre-K.
We joke that we are twins all the time, and her family unofficially adopted me and have always been my family too. I'm not sure I would cope if I lost all of them, and I already love this kid too.

I hope we stay friends. I'm glad that you and your best friend have made it.

Knowing each other since pre-K? No way you're not staying friends. You're family.

Theoretically, yes. But IRL practice, it's hard - this is speaking as someone with no kids. I get it, I do. It starts with pregnancy and just snowballs from there. For the first few years, a mother's life is like... 99.999% BABY. There isn't much time and energy for more, and when you do have spare time you want to eat, sleep and shower and maybe talk to your spouse. Meanwhile, you're watching your childless friends do all the fun, carefree things YOU used to do before you had a kid and it probably feels very isolating. Making friends with people who are in the same boat is easier, and bonus! Your kid gets a new friend, too!

It feels like you found a new tribe and... I truly don't mean this in a mean way, but it's easier and nicer to pat each other on the back about being parents: the trials and tribulations, what a trooper you are to get through it, etc. etc. Sort of a self reinforcing mutual admiration society that you don't get from your childless friends. Kids-having feels like a stronger bond and more common ground than any of your previous hobbies or interests and frankly, some of the new friends will be Mean Girl types whose self interest is invested in making sure you join the clique by telling you that nobody can understand you the way they do. There's a reason why so many mommy message boards are toxic.

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[ SECRET POST #4141 ]

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