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[ SECRET POST #4236 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4326 ⌋

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I got shouted at by a woman at work today for calling her "love." And I mean proper, angry, HOW DARE YOU shouting. Keep in mind I live in Cornwall where phrases like "love, darling, me lover, me handsome" are so commonplace down here you can't go a day without hearing them. It's just part of friendly conversation here.

She then launched into a rant about how it's demeaning/sexist/patronising, attitudes need to change, and (this got me the worst) "If you'd ever been subjected to sexual harrassment, then you wouldn't talk to women like that."

I had to bite my tongue to stop from saying "I've had plenty of that, and physical assault, actually, thanks." I wouldn't have minded if she'd just said "I don't like being called love/darling/etc, can you not please," that would have been perfectly fine, but she went straight for verbally destroying me. I wasn't a drunken creep shouting at her in the street, I was a girl trying to make friendly talk with another girl while I served her. Now I feel like the worst person ever for making her feel uncomfortable. I didn't know.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, syncing_feeling. I work with little kids, so I've kinda fallen into the habit of calling people honey and sweetie. I've felt awkward a few times because I've said it to people my own age or way older than me and made things a little weird, but nobody's ever yelled at me about it.

Thank you. It is a habit, I used to work with the elderly and the staff/clients used to call eachother love/darling/etc all the time so I guess it's a hangover from that.

geez!

I nervous-smiled which made it worse. "It's NOT FUNNY, YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH ABOUT IT."

Oh god, I know that pain. I'm a nervous laugher and get screamed at so much for laughing inappropriately at stressful or unpleasant things.

Edited 2018-11-08 01:31 (UTC)

It's just such a reflex, you can't stop it. I didn't know what else to do. I was just floored. I'm glad someone knows what it's like but it sucks. D:

Yikes. She had the right to her feelings, but shouting and making assumptions is pretty shitty.

I get her feelings totally, I'm guessing she's had bad experiences, but I'd known her for all of three seconds and it just slipped out. :( I'm not Cornish but the Cornish way of speaking has rubbed off on me majorly.

That's an extreme overreaction. And she has a lot of nerve assuming you've never been subjected to sexual harrassment.

Thank you. A simple "could you not call me that please" would have been enough for me, but she straight up slapped her hand on the counter with "First of all, I'm not your "love" or your "darling," you don't have any right to call me that." I was too floored to respond to the harrassment comment at the time but it's upsetting me now.

I definitely find it strange being called 'love' or 'darling' because it's not a regional thing where I live(frankly if anyone says it here they're being incredibly sarcastic), but if I'm somewhere where it's part of the local vernacular I just accept it as the greeting it is and move on. There's no harm meant, so there's no issue.

Her dislike of the word can be understandable if she's had bad experiences, but her reaction was not. Like it could have been the straw that broke the camel's back on a bad-day, but that doesn't mean you get to take that shit out on strangers? Or anyone really tbh, but especially not strangers.

Like jfc I'm so sorry.

Vernacular, that's the word I was looking for! Thank you. It's so common down here, I get called it dozens of times in a shift by strangers. I totally understood her not liking the word especially if she's not local, but she could have asked me not to call her that and I would have gladly complied. I wanted to cry after, she was so aggressive. I suck at confrontation.

Yeah there's certain places in the country where it's just a very common thing to hear, it's really not an issue because some people say different words, shocking.

She's definitely an ass for getting so aggressive about it and it's not your fault at all.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

She sounds like an asshole. I'm American, I don't come from the south so pet names aren't used in common conversation and even I know that's common and not some weird come on in certain parts of the UK. I wouldn't mind it at all.

Thank you. I did wonder if maybe she was new to the area because you don't go a day in my town without being called love/darling/sweet etc. My dad didn't get this when he moved here and was like "People keep calling me handsome! Cool!"

It's possible she was having a bad day herself, but even so, that was an over the top reaction.

I've been called "love" a lot at places I've been served, mostly by women. It's a little weird but it has never occurred to me to take offense to it, or lecture the person.

It's totally possible she was having a bad day. :( This is why I don't usually take offense if a customer is a bit rude/off, because we all have days like that. But she kept on going even after I'd apologised (straight away) and said I didn't mean any harm. I guess she'd had some bad experiences and I'm sorry for that.

It's strange. You never really know what will trigger someone else. Could be she felt "safe" going off on you, but it doesn't make it right. Plus, you apologized. She could have been gracious and accepted it. She chose not to.

Re: Vent thread

syncing_feeling - 2018-11-08 02:22 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Vent thread

el_regrs - 2018-11-08 02:45 (UTC) - Expand

vent that is unrelated to your vent/

I have a very few friends, and one of them is a woman I've been friends with since high school - so, about thirteen, fourteen years? And this year she (and her partner, who I'm also friends with) forgot my birthday. Not just no gift, which I would be 100% okay with, but not even a facebook message.
She has recently invited me to the surprise birthday party for another friend of hers - a bloke I've met several times but barely know, and frankly, I don't fucking like what I do know! He's an arsehole! Within half an hour of the first time we met, he declared I wasn't autistic - not based on any psych qualifications, of course, just the fact that he works with disabled kindergarteners.
Also he uses the N-word, like, so much. He is not African-American.

So I'm just sort of overwhelmed by this feeling of... "Why the hell does this dickhead get so much of your time and consideration, and I don't even get the thirty seconds for a 'Happy Birthday!'?"

But I'll get over it. After seething for a bit more, probably.

Time for a slow fade while you expand your friendship circle to include better quality friends.

I'm in the U.S., and someone British came into our library, and after they left, the children's librarian said, "They called me 'love'! That just made my day!"

But I agree, some places in the UK, it's just such a regional thing, words like that are almost conversational filler.

It's not super-common where I live for people to call people by offhand endearments like that, but - how do I put this? - it's not entirely uncommon among a certain generation? People my age don't do it, but people my Dad's age and older might.

This one time, I was at a barbecue and chatting to a man of about the right age and he called me 'love' or something like that, you know, completely offhand, and then he caught himself and asked if that was alright. I said it was (because I don't care either way), and this somehow prompted him to go on a rant about some local politician who objected to him calling her 'darl' or w/e. I was just standing there thinking, 'Christ, mate, I don't care! If a woman doesn't want you to call her things like that, then don't! Suck it up and deal! And no great surprise that a woman who's on the job in a public position doesn't want people using endearments like that on her, either!'

That bloke was a wanker, and the woman who went off at you was also a wanker. Wankers all over.

I don't even mean to point it out but as a girl, why the fuck was she so offended?! You weren't propositioning her, or creeping, so she had absolutely no reason to react that way.
Don't you dare feel bad about yourself either, because you did nothing wrong.
At the most the word 'love' to those unfamiliar to it, would come off as a casual flirt. There is no harassment in that, and by no way a means to make a scene. If she was uncomfortable she could have just said so, just as you said. The fact she went out of her way to do what she did was crude and unnecessary.

It sucks you had such a bad day. I hope you have a good one tomorrow.

That is mental because literally EVERYONE is called some kind of pet name outside London in the UK. Like, it's something most people wouldn't even notice. Up here it's 'duck' and even men use it for each other. I heard a bus driver call an elderly man 'sugarplum' the other day. Maybe she wasn't native? Don't be too hard on yourself. I doubt it was personal.

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