fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4362 ]

[ SECRET POST #4362 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4362 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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07. https://i.imgur.com/RLCWFm3.png
[OP suggested a warning for "partial nudity and er... bulge"]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 09 secrets from Secret Submission Post #624.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If you ask your friend for dating help several times, and she only tries to set you up with physically unattractive men (who don't want you either), can you safely draw the conclusion that you are ugly? :(

Have you been honest with your friend about your physical preferences re: men? Can you ask her (calmly, NOT defensively or confrontationally) what about the candidates she thought would be a good fit for you? The feedback might help you both.

Not sure I understand the situation, but rather than put your friend on the defense, just tell her what traits you find attractive and unattractive when she tries to play matchmaker with you?

Yes, I have been honest. And she keeps saying But it's all about the personality! which really means these guys are ugly and so am I.
I'd just rather be dead than force myself to go out with them.

... okay. I'm trying to be diplomatic here, but if you're only interested in dating someone who's attractive on the outside and you aren't interested in their personalities at all, then I don't think that's a formula for relationship success. That said, you have the right to have any criteria you like for dating and it sounds like your friend isn't suggesting candidates who meet that criteria.

So... good luck, I guess?

I did not say I wasn't interested in their personalities.
Thanks for the good luck!

And, yes, I know have the right to have any criteria I need for dating. the problem is: everyone I know thinks that I have no right because they think I am unattractive and don't deserve to be selective!

What do you consider physically unattractive? Have you told your friend “I like guys with physical traits x, y, and z and am grossed out by traits 1, 2, and 3?”

Maybe all the attractive (to you) guys your friend knows are in relationships already, or maybe, if you haven’t told her your preferences, she’s using her own and thinks they’re hot. Maybe personality is more important than looks to her, and she’s bad at judging how physically attractive they are but thinks they’re awesome people.

Also, if the men she’s setting you up with don’t want you because you’re not a swimsuit model, not many people are swimsuit models, and also they’ve got professional trainers and makeup and hair teams and photoshop editors, so those men may always be disappointed because magazine covers=/=real life. If the men you’re attracted to are Calvin Klein underwear models or Hollywood heartthrobs, not many people are Calvin Klein models or heartthrobs, and they also have professional teams to make them look good.

Also I’m an ugly woman who’s attracted to guys who are better looking than me, so I just get on with living my life single. It’s no one’s fault they’re not attracted to me, any more than it’s my fault for being attracted to fairly conventionally attractive men. And If you’re wondering if you’re ugly, I bet you’re not. If you’re ugly, people will let you know loudly, often, and unprompted except by your existence that you disgust them, not just turn down a second date. Those guys probably just picked up that you weren’t attracted to them.

OP. I have been told by family members that I'm unattractive or ugly. I'd rather be alone than be with an ugly man I don't want. I quit asking my friend for help and now she's irritated.

AYRT—Your “friend” and family sound kind of cruel, tbh, and like the might be exacerbating any self-esteem issues you already had. And if you’re on a position to go on dates and have friends set you up on dates, I doubt anyone can force you to go out with someone you’re not interested in.

If your friend/family keep pushing you to date, tell them you’d rather focus on other stuff for now. If you meet someone and hit it off, cool, if not, you’ll still be learning to have fun while single and make better more friends. And maybe look into therapy, because fixating on how you’d rather die than date guys you think are ugly is an ott response to your kind of bitchy friend/sort of asshole family negging you about your looks and insisting that you “settle.”

Have you ever told them you’d rather be alone than settle? I get it, not attracting the partners/attention you want is no fun. But it’s also not worth dwelling on all the time or stewing in misery over. In this day and age you’re not gonna be stuck in your parents’ attic as an old maiden aunt your whole life just because you’re single.

I've been in therapy. Therapy doesn't do shit except try to tell me that I have value- which I already know I have. More than most people on this planet! And I wasn't even asking the therapist if I have value! I don't think my response is OTT at all in any way.

But I already am an old maiden aunt in my parents' abode. So. There goes your theories.

She isn't bad at judging physical attractiveness at all.
She told me a long time ago that I am never going to get the cute guys.

People think I am funny looking and kind of hint at it, that I am only "okay" and have to settle and/or take what I can get- and I answer them right back with "I'd rather be dead than force myself to be with a man I don't want, just to make everyone else glad".

No, these guys didn't pick up that I was not attracted to them. One of them made a face when my cousin asked what he thought of me, and the other one didn't talk to me all night and avoided me at the party.

What if I told that there is something wrong with my face? That people think I am funny looking because of birth trauma, and I will never have enough money to fix it? Do I get to pick who I want then? Or just keep on suffering and struggling for another 25 years or more? Or perhaps you'll just try to reassure me that I'm not ugly and that I'll find someone that will like me for me, like some volunteer did when I began crying one day?

I've been conned into a double date by a friend. Her reasoning was that he was a friend of her boyfriend and if she could get us to date then they'd have another couple they both like to hang out with. Friends aren't the best judge of what you're looking for. Cool guy, but very much not for me. He was her type - big, muscular, not much going on upstairs. I like people I can really talk to, so he didn't appeal to me at all. Attraction is a very personal thing.

If you want to date, you should sign up for bumble or something that gives you the option to talk to people you think you'd like. Approach it without an attitude. You won't be interested in everyone, and not everyone will be interested in you either and that's how it is for all of us. Sometimes conversations won't go anywhere, but it's good to start them anyway and build up your confidence.

I think it's important not to cheat yourself out of finding someone by excluding everyone you're not instantly wildly attracted to. If you've not had many relationships I think it's easy to build up the idea in your head that you'll just know the right person immediately and you should wait for that feeling. Attraction isn't a yes or no question. It develops. It grows. Sometimes you find out they have a terrible personality and it dies completely. Ask your friends in good relationships if the person they're with is exactly what they would say their type was before they started dating. Plenty will say no, or that their first date was mediocre, or that they didn't like their boyfriend's beard. All of us have a weird toenail or a stupid laugh or something that would be considered unattractive by most people. Even the seriously good looking ones. You get past that stuff by finding someone who makes you think even their weird parts are good.

I'm not interested in dating and I'm not cheating myself out of anything, believe me.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #4362 ]

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