fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4406 ]

[ SECRET POST #4406 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4406 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 47 secrets from Secret Submission Post #631.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Say you found out a friend regularly made snide comments on fanfic they didnt care for. Not like actual crit but apparentally just snotty remarks bc it wasn't their cup of tea or they didnt care for the pairing.

Or conversely they were prone to making comments at a person in fandom they didnt care for that seem like harassing. Would this be a dealbreaker for your relationship?

Even if you knew this person a long time and had seen their better side?

When a person exhibits a mean streak, be it online or in person, then I don't care how long I've known them before that - now I know that, beyond their good side, they have a freaking mean streak, and they delight in being nasty to people and think there'll be no repercussions. That's when I slowly ghost out of a friendship. I'll be polite to them if we meet, or if they initiate contact, but no longer initiate myself or engage beyond the superficial.
Similar for: talking shit behind people's backs, being rude to people in the service industry, cruelty to animals, or any joy taken in the tears or misfortune of children.

You're seriously never (as an example) groused to one co-worker about another?

Not in like a, "Holy shit, Becky is such a slag, did you see her clothes today?!" way, but even a, "I can't believe Becky was late for the third time this week and she doesn't get in trouble for it. Ugh." way?

When I have a complaint about a co-worker's, then I discuss the issue directly with that coworker if I'm comfortable enough with them to do so, or I go to HR or management depending on the issue - that's what they're for. What good does bitching about it to someone else do? Won't solve the problem, and it'd make me feel disgusting. This is not easy for me, and this kind of communication was a super hard habit to develop. And yeah, I sometimes have the HUGE impulse to hop abord the gossip train again, because gawd that's braincandy, but ... yeah, I have vivid memories of overhearing shit like that about myself and I never want to have even the slightest possibility of causing someone else that kind of pain. So yes, I'm a ascetic when it comes to behind-their-back chatting.

Sure, sometimes I'll discuss a mutual friend's issues with someone, but that'd be more of a "I'm worried about X, have you noticed that, too? What can we do / how can we help?" thing rather than, "omg, wow, I can't believe she did X" thing.

And before you ask, yes, being this strict with myself and with what I tolerate in my friend-circle does mean I have a very small, but therefore very close and intimate circle. And I'm okay with that.

I'm glad! (and I don't mean that sarcastically at all, I really am glad that you strive to be the better person in situations like that).

I honestly really only gripe about co-workers to one person, because it never leaves our office, and it's only about stuff that I have repeatedly complain to my bosses about but has gone nowhere for whatever reason. I should probably feel bad about it, but these are the kind of people who do not take confrontation of any sort well (one woman actually blew up in my face for saying 'hey how are you, I haven't seen you today') so it's easier for me to basically bitch about it and let it go than let it sit inside me all the time.

DA

I wouldn't consider talking about someone's workplace performance to another co-worker to be "talking shit." Like, if you're gonna call her a stupid lazy bitch, yeah, but complaining about lateness I find totally ok and relevant.

I'd try and talk to them about it before I unfriended them
Which is saying a lot, because I avoid awkward conversations like they're giant spiders

Making snide comments about fanfic and fandom people inside one's head is okay, but airing them out in public and at the people in question sounds like a red flag.

It's a dealbreaker for me because from then on, I'd constantly be worrying what they actually thought about me/my work. Sure, they might like my fanfic now, but what if in the future I wrote something they would bag on?

I mean, it's not a friendship pre-requisite to like everything they do? Obviously there's a huge difference between saying, "Hey friend, that new fic is not my bag of cats." and "Oh my god, what you wrote was the worst thing ever, go kill yourself."

And then again, there's also a huge difference between the latter comment and giving constructive criticism too.

If I was their friend in real life and our friendship had been good/decent for years, then it wouldn't be a deal-breaker. Unless the things they said were really nasty. (Like, there's being a bit bitchy, and then there's verbally assaulting people, you know?)

If we were only friends online...I probably wouldn't cut them out completely, but I'd definitely pull back.

It also depends on how frequently they did this stuff. Some people can be a bit hurtful because they say what they think, even when it's kind of mean. That I can accept in some cases. Other people just want to hurt people. They're not merely insensitive, they're actively a bully.

So, is this new behavior or has it been an ongoing thing that I just found out about? Because if I'd known them a long time and they've only just started doing this, I'd probably ask them what was up before just cutting ties. If it turns out they've been low-key assholes all along, then yeah. Probably a dealbreaker.

I'd probably try a "whoa, not cool my friend" type talk, but if they didn't knock that shit off, I'd probably drift away from that friendship. There are people who don't behave like dicks out there, and many of them wouldn't mind a new friend. No need to waste time on someone who acts like an asshat.

I'd judge them for reading a fic if they don't like the pairing and then feeling the need to comment on it but I probably wouldn't end the friendship over it. I would probably end the friendship eventually, though.

I wouldn't ditch a friend for making snide comments on fic they don't like. It's worthy of an eyeroll, but it's also dead common.

I would drop someone over actively harassing someone, though. Maybe not immediately if we were previously close, but if I brought it up to them and they didn't cut it out, then they're not the kind of person I want to hang around with.

If they do it to other people, they'll do it to you at some point. Probably not the kind of person you'll be wanting to stay friends with.

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[ SECRET POST #4406 ]

Would this be a friendship dealbreaker

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