fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4411 ]

[ SECRET POST #4411 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4411 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08. [SPOILERS for Crazy Ex Girlfriend]

__________________________________________________

09. [SPOILERS for You]
[WARNING for stalking]

__________________________________________________

10. [WARNING for discussion of sexual harassment]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #631.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

For all your advice issues.

Do people really tell their partner everything, even private things talked about with other people? Is that really how relationships work. I've never been in one, so I don't know.

So my dad and I had a fight. And I emailed my mother something related. They share an email (no separate email). I labeled it "For Mom" as I do when I email her private things. She's in the hospital, so it was the only way to talk to her. I've done that many times, and I've talked about health things and sensitive women-only things. My understanding was that it was clear that "for mom" meant for mom only. Previous conversations had led me to believe that. But my dad came and wanted to argue with me over something I said in the email to mom two seconds after I sent it. Which meant he'd read it as soon as I sent it. And I commented on that, and he said that I should assume anything sent to their email is read by both of them.

Is this normal? Honestly, I really have a hard time telling because I know they've fucked up in a bunch of ways, but I can't tell always what is messed up and what is normal. And I know they shared most things with each other, but I thought private things were private and that everyone understood that. They aren't one person, they are two separate, though married, people.

I think it's a safe assumption that people sharing an email address will both read the emails sent to that address.

Really? When it is labeled as specifically for one of them? That's weird to me.

You might try being more specific in the future. E.g. "For Mom only - Dad please do not read".

I actually just had a conversation with dad about that. He says he's always going to read all their emails and that they never keep secrets from each other. So nope, they don't believe in privacy.

da

Well, now you know. I personally think that's weird. There's a difference between 'keeping secrets from each other' and 'not discussing something private that someone else told you in confidence.'

This. In this circumstance, what you told your mother was not HER 'secret' to share with him. Maybe they do share everything about each other, but confidences from other people are not in the same category IMO.

Yeah, this seems a bit rigid to me. Especially because you're their child. As their child, your emotional needs should be just as important to them as their own, IMO.

jsyk, whether or not it's a thing people do, i think that its just rank. if your child asks you to respect their privacy you do that...

lol right?

Do people really tell their partner everything, even private things talked about with other people? Is that really how relationships work. I've never been in one, so I don't know.

Some people do. To the point that it can be annoying. But a lot of others don't. It just depends.

But in your case, yeah, I'd assume anything to a joint email gets seen by both.

I think people who tell their partner everything are normal, and I also think people who don't tell their partner everything are normal. It's just one of those "some do and some don't" things.

Personally, I think I would lean towards the "we tell each other everything" side, but if someone really close to me needed to get a secret off their chest and it was important to them that it stay between just us, I think I would be able to do that for them.

Also, not everything needs to come up with an SO. Like, if a friend was complaining to me about some kind of vaginal problems she was having, I doubt that would come up with my (theoretical) SO - because why would it? OTOH, if I had a fight with a friend, then I'd probably talk about it with my SO in detail, presuming it upset me.

Like, if a friend was complaining to me about some kind of vaginal problems she was having, I doubt that would come up with my (theoretical) SO - because why would it?

If I mentioned to a friend that I had a yeast infection and she told her husband, I wouldn't feel betrayed or embarrassed, but I would wonder why the heck she thought her husband would be interested in hearing about it.

I don't get why people would share an email address, frankly. I guess maybe if you rarely use it and you get one through your ISP and they were only going to give you one for the household. That still doesn't stop you from going to Gmail or something. I guess my grandparents might have shared an email address, I don't remember. My parents never have and they are 70 (but to be fair, I don't think my dad has ever had a personal email account and has only used the one from the university he is still only semi-retired from).

I have separate e-mail addresses that are mine alone, but share one with my husband because we use it to communicate with family friends where we can both easily see the message AND that family friend only has to keep track of one address. Nobody gets left out on the CC, which has happened before. It's also useful to have a general e-mail address when we're booking reservations for airfare, hotels, etc. so that we can both easily access that information.

I do, unless it's a personal confidence and the other person asked me not to or I have reason to believe they wouldn't want the information shared. My husband is my best friend and partner and in the hierarchy of personal relationships, he ranks higher than other family members or friends. That doesn't make me less of an individual. I hope that's not what you meant to imply.

"I know they shared most things with each other, but I thought private things were private and that everyone understood that."

I think there's less expectation of privacy when you're writing to a shared address and "To Mom" doesn't necessarily say "... Dad don't read this" to me. And... well, honestly, from what you've shared about your parents, your dad reading the e-mail you sent to your mother doesn't surprise me at all. I'm surprised it surprises you.

Now that your dad straight up told you there'll be no privacy in your correspondence, please believe him. If you'll pardon my frankness, I think assuming that everyone understands and respects that private things (that aren't marked private) are private is extremely naive. It'd be nice if it were true, but it's not.

I don't know what kind of relationship you may have with your parents, but in the way you describe it, it sounds like your father simply looked at the message because of the argument you had with him.
It doesn't seem like this kind of thing has happened before, or at least by such a scale. So there is a chance, given your mother's incapacitated atm, that your father was simply opening the messenger for her, and happened across the message...? In either case, his excuse seems to be just that, an excuse.

To answer your question frankly, it really depends person to person. The same way someone might not share the secrets of a childhood friend, another might share the secret with their SO to ask for their advice on the matter. I imagine that as parents they'd talk about you with each other none the less, not discussing every last detail, but sharing their feelings all the same.
From what it sounds like it's normal IMO.

I highly doubt your father would read each and every e-mail addressed to your mother, or vice versa, there just wouldn't be any real need. It'd take a certain measure of paranoia, and disrespect for that to happen. And if it boils down to just that, I imagine you'd know about it by the first e-mail or two...

(I hope your mom gets better btw! <333)

People don't necessarily tell their partner everything, but when it's something like a shared email address, it's actually pretty reasonable to assume anything sent to that email is, while not always strictly intended to be read by both, at least sent with the knowledge that there's a pretty good chance both people will read it. You're essentially emailing a very small mailing list or GD box.

If you want to be able to send your mother email for her eyes only, suggest she get her own email address for private correspondence.

I've been married for several years, and yeah, you can expect that partners will tell each other pretty much everything, even private things talked about with other people. But we always preface those things with, "Don't tell anyone I told you this, but..." or, "If anyone asks, you don't know about this."

But yeah, since they share an email, expect that anything sent to it can and will be read by both of them. Although I think it is kind of rude that your dad actually responded to what was in the email even though it said it was specifically for your mom.

I've never been in that serious of a relationship, but I've never considered keep no secrets/tell each other everything to mean you tell each other literally everything, because there is not actually time in the day for that. However, I would expect partners to discuss topics of mutual interest and importance, even when it involves private things about another person, and as their daughter your parents see you as a topic of mutual interest and importance. I do think you should be able to communicate with your mom without your dad listening in, but I guess don't expect you mom to never tell your dad about things you told her in confidence.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #4411 ]

Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice

Re: Advice