[ SECRET POST #4478 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4478 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 21 secrets from Secret Submission Post #641.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

The thing about most fanfic is that SO much of it is built heavily on fantasy - even more so than most original fiction I think. It's a big part of what gives fanfic that je ne sais quoi, that id appeal, that yumminess factor that is has. And of course how the men are portrayed as lovers is a part of that. (The women too, usually, but especially the men.)

Personally, I think you're right that there are a lot of men out there who are inconsiderate lovers. But I also think there are plenty of men (especially mature men who are well into adulthood) who are considerate lovers. What there aren't a ton of is the kind of idealized, "perfect" male lovers we see constantly in fanfic.

You know. The ones who masterfully give their partner the best orgasm of their life, then have the stamina to keep going until their partner comes again (or maybe multiple more times if it's het). The ones who intuitively know exactly how to talk to their partner and touch their partner, down to the minute nuance, and who care so damn much about pleasuring their partner that their own pleasure is just an after thought. The ones whose libidos are perfectly synced to their partner's, so they somehow only ever want sex at a time when their partner is also totally dtf. The ones who are so in love that every other time they've ever had sex is rendered pale and distant by the agonizing fulfillment of having sex with their beloved. The ones who are so madly in love and perfectly devoted to their partner that there is literally nothing sexual in their mind that is not linked to their partner.

I mean, does most of that sound enticing? IMO, yes. But most of it is so OTT that it's not fair to expect it of anyone.

Whereas if what you want is, basically, a man who cares about making sure his partner enjoys sex, respects that his partner doesn't always want sex when he does, is open to constructive communication where sex is concerned, and recognizes that sex is a win-win endeavor, not a win-lose competition...then I think finding someone like that is doable. Harder than it should be? Yes, absolutely. But doable.

[(Anonymous)]

"a man who cares about making sure his partner enjoys sex, respects that his partner doesn't always want sex when he does, is open to constructive communication where sex is concerned, and recognizes that sex is a win-win endeavor, not a win-lose competition"

A man who matches all of the criteria sounds harder to find than a unicorn.

[(Anonymous)]

1. I'm sorry that's been your experience.

2. It shouldn't have to be anybody's experience.

3. It isn't everybody's experience.

[(Anonymous)]

Many women settle because they can't find a man who matches the criteria.

[(Anonymous)]

Many women settle because they're afraid they won't be able to find a man who matches the criteria.

Many women settle because our sexist af society has made them feel like maybe they don't really deserve a man who matches the criteria - like it's asking too much.

Many women settle because their dad treated their mom as less-then-equal, so they don't have a strong template of what to look for.

I don't judge any of these women. They're trying. This shit is tough. Tougher than it should be, I'll absolutely give OP that.

[(Anonymous)]

Many women also aren't perfect themselves and don't necessarily have the moral high ground.

[(Anonymous)]

Goodness no. I'm sorry you think that. My husband is definitely one of them. He was a good and considerate lover when we met and sex was good. Now, ten years later when we really know each other, sex is absolutely amazing.

respects that his partner doesn't always want sex when he does

Well, isn't that a bit odd to assume a man wants to have sex more than a woman? Most women I know, including me, always want sex.

[(Anonymous)]

Well, isn't that a bit odd to assume a man wants to have sex more than a woman?

Regardless of how much sex a woman wants, there are going to be times when he wants sex and she doesn't. And IMO men are more likely to have a problem with that than women are, in the case of the roles being reversed.

Most women I know, including me, always want sex.

Fair enough. Most of the women I know, including me, have significantly lower sex drives than our male partners. No one experience is universal, obviously.

[(Anonymous)]

That's your expectation talking. It's been my universal experience to the contrary, you just gotta know how to pick 'em.